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I am attempting to write a poem to send to my girlfriend, as seen in Kurt Vonnegut's EPICAC. Please assess its viability and offer suggestions. I am going to put it on a Valentine's Day card assuming she doesn't start screwing someone else first, which is highly likely since I am planning on telling her I have some sort of incurable STD when I get tired of her, which probably won't happen until after Valentine's day. Please check my iambic pentameter as well, though I break meter at the end for obvious thematic reasons (you break meter when you want to surprise someone and keep them wanting more).
What is bigger than the sky,
The clouds up so very high,
The tears from an African's eye,
The penis of the elephant so wry? (wikipedia confirms this) -->PARENTHESIS NOT IN THE POEM
My dear, I cannot, I cannot tell a lie;
It is your boobs.
I tried "breasts" but it is too many syllables and she might think I was going for a Haiku, when this is more styled after a Chaucer or a Milton (European style poetry as opposed to the Japanese or Far East Asian). She's kind of skanky so I doubt she would be prudish if I gave this to her but she majored in English so any faults would stare at her like a sore thumb
What is bigger than the sky,
The clouds up so very high,
The tears from an African's eye,
The penis of the elephant so wry? (wikipedia confirms this) -->PARENTHESIS NOT IN THE POEM
My dear, I cannot, I cannot tell a lie;
It is your boobs.
I tried "breasts" but it is too many syllables and she might think I was going for a Haiku, when this is more styled after a Chaucer or a Milton (European style poetry as opposed to the Japanese or Far East Asian). She's kind of skanky so I doubt she would be prudish if I gave this to her but she majored in English so any faults would stare at her like a sore thumb
) or else shorten elephant to 'phant, or both (as it is you have 9 syllables there without saying elephant in one syllable, which is odd). Or make this true iambic pentameter, which means 10 syllables, and add some words elsewhere.
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