Humourous Jokes and Thoughts

[Grandpa Troll]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $h!T my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

Have a good day!

[Grandpa Troll]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[Chemical Ollie]

Re: Weight loss program

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 6ft 6 in black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Ming has once banned me for posting that joke here (as a cartoon)

[Grandpa Troll]

Carolina Girls



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their

new wives duties.



The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she

was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on

the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put

away.



The second man had married a woman from Texas . He had given his wife

orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The

first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was

better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were

done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a girl from North Carolina . He told her that

her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,

laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.



He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't

see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down,

and he could see a little out of his left eye ..

enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.