Announcement

**Grandpa Troll** · September 16, 2008, 16:34

Pet's Diary

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

**Grandpa Troll** · September 16, 2008, 16:35

Men Vs. Woman

NICKNAMES:
>> > If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will
>> call
>> > each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
>> > If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
>> affectionately
>> > refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and
>> Four-eyes.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > EATING OUT
>> >
>> > When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each
>> throw
>> > in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
>> of them
>> > will have anything smaller and none will actually
>> admit they
>> > want change back.
>> > When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > MONEY
>> >
>> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
>> doesn't
>> > need but it's on sale.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BATHROOMS
>> >
>> > A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and
>> > toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
>> > towel .
>> > The average number of items in the typical woman's
>> > bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
>> more
>> > than 20 of these items.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > ARGUMENTS
>> >
>> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
>> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
>> new
>> > argument.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > FUTURE
>> >
>> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a
>> husband.
>> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a
>> wife.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > SUCCESS
>> >
>> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his
>> wife
>> > can spend.
>> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > MARRIAGE
>> >
>> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
>> > doesn't.
>> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
>> change,
>> > but she does.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > DRESSING UP
>> >
>> > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
>> plants,
>> > empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and
>> get
>> > the mail.
>> > A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > NATURAL
>> >
>> > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>> > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > OFFSPRING
>> >
>> > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
>> She
>> > knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
>> > friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
>> dreams.
>> > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
>> the
>> > house.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>> > A married man should forget his mistakes.
>> There's no
>> > use in two people remembering the same thing!
>> >
>> > SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor
>> and
>> > who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy
>> reading
>> > it.

**Grandpa Troll** · September 16, 2008, 16:37

Hot and Cold Sex......

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man:
>> 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns
>> you would like to ask me about?'
>>
>> 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually
>> cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second
>> time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
>>
>> After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
>> 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that
>> you would like to discuss with me?'
>>
>> The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
>> The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern.
>> ; He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with
>> you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
>> Do you know why?'
>>
>> 'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied.
>> 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second
>> time is in August.'

**Grandpa Troll** · September 16, 2008, 16:38

A Husbands Letter

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and
> left
> > it on the
> >
> > dining room table:
> >
> >
> >
> > ' To My Dear Wife,
> >
> > You will surely understand that I have certain
> needs
> >
> > that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
> I am
> > very happy
> >
> > with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore,
> after
> > reading this
> >
> > letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact
> that
> > I will be
> >
> > spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at
> the
> > Comfort Inn
> >
> > Hotel.
> >
> >
> >
> > Please don ' t be upset - I shall be back home
> before
> > midnight. '
> >
> > ------------------------
> >
> > When the man came home late that night he found the
> foll
> > owing letter
> > on
> > the dining room table:
> >
> >
> >
> > ' To My Dear Husband,
> >
> > I received your letter and thank you for your
> >
> > honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to
> take
> > this
> >
> > opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years
> old.
> > As you know,
> > I
> > am a math teacher at our local college.
> >
> >
> >
> > I would like to inform you that while you ' re at
> the
> > Comfort Inn, I
> > will
> > be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
> students,
> > who is also
> > the
> > assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like
> your
> > secretary,
> > he
> > is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an
> > excellent
> > knowledge
> > of math, you will understand that we are in the same
> > situation,
> > although
> > with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more
> > times than 54
> > goes
> > into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime
> > tomorrow. '
> >

**Grandpa Troll** · September 29, 2008, 18:46

I LOVE MY JOB!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

**Krill** · September 29, 2008, 19:01

**Grandpa Troll** · October 17, 2008, 17:14

Givin Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replie d the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

**Zkribbler** · October 17, 2008, 17:18

Told by John McCain:

Oprah Winfrey calls Sen. Obama "The One."
I call him, "That One."
He has a pet name for me too. He calls me "George Bush."

**Chemical Ollie** · October 17, 2008, 17:22

I don't get the last ones

**Grandpa Troll** · October 17, 2008, 22:35

Originally posted by Chemical Ollie
I don't get the last ones

My post sir?

**Grandpa Troll** · November 23, 2008, 21:02

The Tattoo

Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his member and goes home to show his wife.

She says: "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth."

**Grandpa Troll** · November 23, 2008, 21:04

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends

. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

**Grandpa Troll** · November 23, 2008, 21:06

Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies,"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 6ft 6 in black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:, "I'm Leroy. If I catch you, you're mine..."

**Zkribbler** · November 23, 2008, 21:10

A defendant calls up his lawyer, who says, "I have good news and bad news."

The defendant gulps. "Er....give me the bad news first."

"The blood tests are back, and your blood matches that which was found at the murder scene."

"Oh my god! That's terrible!! What's the good news?"

"Your chlorestral is down, and you don't have diabetes."

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Humourous Jokes and Thoughts

Humourous Jokes and Thoughts

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