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Having spent nearly the entire Bush administration abroad, I've finally returned and am trying to re-acclimate myself. But, frankly, I'm confused -- and occasionally appalled -- at the developments that have taken place in my absence. A little help please.
1) Which came first, obscenely large Americans or the obscenely large portions they're served in restaurants nationwide?
2) And why are there now fat punks? I was at a punk show (and, yes, I'm a balding, overweight, middle-aged man, but it's not like I was pretending to be otherwise) and was surrounded by porked-out punks. Kids, I lived through the origins of punk: whatever else punks are, they're supposed to be emaciated nihilists who mock "fat hippies." Fat punks? WTF?
3) The US loses money on every nickle it mints. So why on earth did we spend money redesigning the thing 3 times in 3 years? Were we trying to drive up the demand for nickles or something?
4) When I left, my favorite cable channel was Bravo, which was devoted to top-notch cultural programming. Upon my return, I've sought out Bravo again, only to be confronted with endless fashion-themed reality programming and some hideously self-absorbed harpy named Kathy Griffin. There's really an audience for this? Really?
5) Which of these two books I saw at Borders last week has the more appropriate title: The Complete Idiot's Guide to The Last Days or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Elves and Fairies?
6) So I'm in the grocery store cereal aisle, reuniting at long last with my beloved Grape Nuts, when I see a cereal box claiming that it "Increases your child's attention and energy by 20%!" The cereal? Brown Sugar and Maple Syrup Frosted Mini Wheats. That's right: we seem to be touting the health and behavioral benefits of what comedy duo Proctor and Bergman would have called "sugar-coated, sugar-encrusted, sugar-fortified little bits of sugar." How many people will burn in hell for that bit of marketing genius?
7) Why do so few people know how much Rhode Island rocks as a vacation destination?
I'm sure I've got more, but that will get you started. Remember to use a Number 2 pencil and to show all your work.
1) Which came first, obscenely large Americans or the obscenely large portions they're served in restaurants nationwide?
2) And why are there now fat punks? I was at a punk show (and, yes, I'm a balding, overweight, middle-aged man, but it's not like I was pretending to be otherwise) and was surrounded by porked-out punks. Kids, I lived through the origins of punk: whatever else punks are, they're supposed to be emaciated nihilists who mock "fat hippies." Fat punks? WTF?
3) The US loses money on every nickle it mints. So why on earth did we spend money redesigning the thing 3 times in 3 years? Were we trying to drive up the demand for nickles or something?
4) When I left, my favorite cable channel was Bravo, which was devoted to top-notch cultural programming. Upon my return, I've sought out Bravo again, only to be confronted with endless fashion-themed reality programming and some hideously self-absorbed harpy named Kathy Griffin. There's really an audience for this? Really?
5) Which of these two books I saw at Borders last week has the more appropriate title: The Complete Idiot's Guide to The Last Days or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Elves and Fairies?
6) So I'm in the grocery store cereal aisle, reuniting at long last with my beloved Grape Nuts, when I see a cereal box claiming that it "Increases your child's attention and energy by 20%!" The cereal? Brown Sugar and Maple Syrup Frosted Mini Wheats. That's right: we seem to be touting the health and behavioral benefits of what comedy duo Proctor and Bergman would have called "sugar-coated, sugar-encrusted, sugar-fortified little bits of sugar." How many people will burn in hell for that bit of marketing genius?
7) Why do so few people know how much Rhode Island rocks as a vacation destination?
I'm sure I've got more, but that will get you started. Remember to use a Number 2 pencil and to show all your work.
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