Can you critique my translation?

[Varwnos]

I am not sure if some words are correct, i used a dictionary for them. Anyway, here is the short piece:

"I can remember the first days of my move to the apartment. It was my will, which my parents agreed to grant, to acquire a space of my own, as a recompense for my success in the exams for entering the university. In any case this would have to be small enough, and most importantly its rent should not be expensive, but I quickly realized after I had tentatively seen a few such locations in the center of the city that it would not at all be impossible for one to be found and be meeting those criteria.
Moreover I can say that I was quite lucky in this quest of mine, since in the end that which was rented was the one that I had been most fond of. That it was found in a very large building, in the absolute center of the city, in its fifth floor, was near my university department, were all facts that rendered it exceptionally appealing to me. But aside from all of those there was also something else, and that was the view from its balcony.
To be precise it was not just the view from the balcony towards the lower buildings all around, and the road below, but also the view of the balcony itself, from one part of the road. The first hours after my agreement with the intercessor I found myself again in the road and glanced for the first time- still unaware of the position from which it would be possible for me to observe it all the more clearly- at the tiny balcony with the black, tall bars. The apartment from that road seemed so isolated in serenity, high, above everything which was taking place in the clamor, and the passers-by walking hastily in front of my immobile body appeared to me hapless of ever withdrawing from there to such a protected paradise.
"

[Krill]

Can we have the original as well? It's pretty good, but the orginal would be usful to check for specific phrases.

[Varwnos]

The original is in greek though.. It is from a short story i wrote.

[ZEE]

too many commas. better sentence structure is all i can see at the moment...

[Krill]

Well, even if it is in Greek, you could always PM Markos to check it over for you if you wanted.

[BlackCat]

Isn't that "but" and "impossible" conflicting ?

Besides that, hope that you have good lungs - not many pauses to breathe in

[Krill]

No, the "but" and impossible aren't conflicting. But you are right about good lungs,

[Varwnos]

I am also interested in whether you liked the actual piece itself as well- which i guess is partly connected to whether or not the translation was decent, of course (the other part being the original material)
It is the start of a horror story about hallunications in the new apartment.

[Krill]

Let's say that while it won't win you the pulitzer, it is far from a horrific peice of writting.

[Krill]

I like it but there will always be someone out there who doesn't like how something has been written....

[snoopy369]

Re: Can you critique my translation?

Originally posted by Varwnos
I am not sure if some words are correct, i used a dictionary for them. Anyway, here is the short piece:

"I can recall the first days of my move to the apartment. My parents had agreed to grant my desire to acquire a space of my own, as a recompense for my success in the exams for entering the university. The apartment I chose would have to be small enough, and most importantly its rent should not be expensive. I quickly realized after I had tentatively seen a few such locations in the center of the city that it would not be difficult to find one that met the criteria.
I was quite lucky in this quest of mine, since in the end the apartment that I rented was the one that I was most fond of. That it was found in a very large building, in the absolute center of the city, on the fifth floor, and was near my university department, were all facts that rendered it exceptionally appealing to me. Aside from all of those, however, there was also something else: the view from its balcony.
To be precise it was not just the view from the balcony towards the lower buildings all around, and the road below, but also the view of the balcony itself, from one part of the road. The first hours after my agreement with the (lessor/manager/agent) I found myself again in the road and, unaware of the position from which it would be possible for me to observe it more clearly, glanced for the first time at the tiny balcony with the black, tall bars. The apartment from that road seemed so isolated in serenity, high above everything which was taking place in the clamor of the city; the passers-by walked hastily in front of my immobile body, hapless of ever withdrawing from there to such a protected paradise.
"

I made a few suggestions ... I think greek has a very different treament of sentence structure, so you end up with much more verbose sentences towards the beginning. English typically has the subject and primary verb right up front in proper sentences; you can occasionally use different structure to slow the pace down (such as to describe scenery or just to slow down a fast paced paragraph) but don't use them constantly.

I also changed tenses in a few places, I don't make any claim to be perfect on this but I usually know them; but if this was an exercise in some tense or something like that of course change them back.

[Wittlich]

Lets see ... Just after a quick review:

"I can remember the first days of my move to the apartment. It was my desire, which my parents agreed to grant, to acquire a space of my own as a reward for my success in the university entrance exams. In any case, the apartment had to be small enough and most importantly, its rent should not be expensive. However, after I had visited a few such locations in the center of the city, I realized that it would be possible for one to be found that met my criteria.
Looking back, I can say that I was quite lucky in this quest of mine, since in the end that which I rented was the one that I had been most fond of. The apartment was located in a very large building, in the absolute center of the city, on the fifth floor, and near my university department, were all facts that rendered it exceptionally appealing to me. But aside from all of these facts, there was also something else - the view from its balcony.
To be precise, it was not just the view from the balcony towards the lower buildings all around and the road below; but the view of the balcony itself from one part of the road. The first hours after my agreement with the landlord, I found myself again on the road and glanced up for the first time - still unaware of the position from which it would be possible for me to observe it all the more clearly- at the tiny balcony with the black, tall bars. The apartment from that road seemed so isolated in serenity, high, above everything which was taking place in the clamor with and the passers-by walking hastily in front of my immobile body appeared to me hapless of ever withdrawing from there to such a protected paradise."

[BlackCat]

Originally posted by Krill
No, the "but" and impossible aren't conflicting.

Well, it seems that that sentence is a bit problematic - snoopy369 and Wittlich disagrees a bit.

[Krill]

It is not but...impossible, it is: ...that it would not be impossible. They aren't part of the same clause.

[Krill]

It's saying: It's hard, but not impossible. Wittlich changed the meaning of the sentence (Wittlichs' means the exact opposite).