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.... appreciation for my dad that is.
I've choked for an hour or so just thinking about the past few days. I moved tons of stuff to my new place far away from here. My dad helped me, but the way it happened made me feel sad for the way I'm a bastard.
For the past few years, I've been getting closer to my dad, but I see him rarely. Maybe... once a month tops. That's not a lot considering that I live only few hour drive away. But I've been busy, blaablaablaa. It's true, but I could always see him more. So I feel guilty, very guilty right about now. I've felt guilty before but it seems that I haven't since the first time I felt guilty, that... I haven't done anything. I realize now, I realize why I feel so sad and choke up thinking about it. It's because the way he is so selfless and I'm such a selfish *******. I usually ask money, he doesn't ask anything ever and is glad to be able to help me. I think he likes when he can help me, but that implies that he is glad also because he then is in contact with me. This definitely doesn't mean that I contact him for money, don't get the wrong idea, but I think that's partially why he always likes helping. Just like yesterday and today. He did a superman job and I feel miserable.
I think he wanted to help me also so he can see my new place and thinks well maybe it'll be a long time before he has a reason to visit me again so who knows.. better do it now. He drove 250km to my old place, we got a moving truck and we carried all my stuff there, 3 hours it took. 3 freaking hours even though I Had prepared everything. And he carried more than I did. I was mostly a little ***** who can't carry his own weight. That's cool, but he is getting old, so it's first embarrasing that he did so much but I soon started feeling guilty. I SHOULD be the one running and saying take that light one I'll take the heavy one. And then he did these brilliant quick fixes on the go because my **** didn't work, my plan was totally not going to work (lifting difficult furniture etc), so he was McGyver and took them apart in a matter of 5 minutes, and then when we got to my new place, he put them back together in 10 minutes. I was like wtf, that takes me a day? While I was watching him do it of course, because I'm a little ***** who can't carry his own weight.
So then he paid for the moving truck, gasoline, food and everything for these couple of days as well. THat was a long penny too. So we drove 650km to the new place, arrived late at night, unpacked, it was 1AM and finally we went to sleep. Back up 5AM, because I had arranged stuff to do the next day because I'm an unrealistic ***** about the time these things take. So we coudl only sleep for 4 hours, and then back 650km, and then he drove back home another 250km. This all within 30 hours. It was a hellish job, a true nightmare. He never complained, not once. Not even those suggestions. We're father-son, I know when he would be frustrated, he doesn't have to say it or act the part. But he wasn't, not once. And he drove the biggert part as well, so I could sleep my weak ass for longer. And it was mostly for the company I think, he just wanted my company and help me and stuff. And he paid for it as well.
Am I grateful? YESSSSS!!!! But I'm mostly sad. I'm not happy, I'm sad, because I'm an ant and I can't do the same back for my old man. This is just one example in the series of superman vs. ant.
I need to do something about it. I need to not feel guilty and sad, which is hedonistic in a way. Here I am, trying to sneak around the fact that I've been an ant adn not feel bad about it, so that's another bastard move from me. But I really want to do something that.... I can really show how much I've appreciated all this stuff, especially for the last couple of years. He doesn't take my money, not that I have any. He's not rich, but money offerings won't be good. We're not huggy touchy feely, it's out of the realm of my culture's father-son relationships, but i want to show my feelings in a way that he sees how much I appreciate everything.
So Dads of Polyton, any suggestions? He doesn't want to travel a lot so ... getting him a vacation isnt' something he'd be into. I Knwo this sounds crazy, but the best thign I could do for him is to finally hook up with someone and get serious and get a baby. So he could see his grandchild(ren). He isn't going to get younger, and while I'm taking plenty of time to study and mess around and not do things like normal people, that's something I think he'd really just like to see. But that's not a reason to get a baby so... but I'll start to figure out and change my mentality into more "it should happen sooner than later" instead of "career first".
But what else is there? SOmething more immidiate? What could I do? I know he is proud of me and I know he is hyped that I get to do my dissertation, but .... I need to be more active. I need to show the full extent of my appreciation somehow. It's so big that I choke up just thinking about the selfless him vs. the selfish me. And I don't choke for none of the rest of you mofos, or all the hungry peopel in the world.
I've choked for an hour or so just thinking about the past few days. I moved tons of stuff to my new place far away from here. My dad helped me, but the way it happened made me feel sad for the way I'm a bastard.
For the past few years, I've been getting closer to my dad, but I see him rarely. Maybe... once a month tops. That's not a lot considering that I live only few hour drive away. But I've been busy, blaablaablaa. It's true, but I could always see him more. So I feel guilty, very guilty right about now. I've felt guilty before but it seems that I haven't since the first time I felt guilty, that... I haven't done anything. I realize now, I realize why I feel so sad and choke up thinking about it. It's because the way he is so selfless and I'm such a selfish *******. I usually ask money, he doesn't ask anything ever and is glad to be able to help me. I think he likes when he can help me, but that implies that he is glad also because he then is in contact with me. This definitely doesn't mean that I contact him for money, don't get the wrong idea, but I think that's partially why he always likes helping. Just like yesterday and today. He did a superman job and I feel miserable.
I think he wanted to help me also so he can see my new place and thinks well maybe it'll be a long time before he has a reason to visit me again so who knows.. better do it now. He drove 250km to my old place, we got a moving truck and we carried all my stuff there, 3 hours it took. 3 freaking hours even though I Had prepared everything. And he carried more than I did. I was mostly a little ***** who can't carry his own weight. That's cool, but he is getting old, so it's first embarrasing that he did so much but I soon started feeling guilty. I SHOULD be the one running and saying take that light one I'll take the heavy one. And then he did these brilliant quick fixes on the go because my **** didn't work, my plan was totally not going to work (lifting difficult furniture etc), so he was McGyver and took them apart in a matter of 5 minutes, and then when we got to my new place, he put them back together in 10 minutes. I was like wtf, that takes me a day? While I was watching him do it of course, because I'm a little ***** who can't carry his own weight.
So then he paid for the moving truck, gasoline, food and everything for these couple of days as well. THat was a long penny too. So we drove 650km to the new place, arrived late at night, unpacked, it was 1AM and finally we went to sleep. Back up 5AM, because I had arranged stuff to do the next day because I'm an unrealistic ***** about the time these things take. So we coudl only sleep for 4 hours, and then back 650km, and then he drove back home another 250km. This all within 30 hours. It was a hellish job, a true nightmare. He never complained, not once. Not even those suggestions. We're father-son, I know when he would be frustrated, he doesn't have to say it or act the part. But he wasn't, not once. And he drove the biggert part as well, so I could sleep my weak ass for longer. And it was mostly for the company I think, he just wanted my company and help me and stuff. And he paid for it as well.
Am I grateful? YESSSSS!!!! But I'm mostly sad. I'm not happy, I'm sad, because I'm an ant and I can't do the same back for my old man. This is just one example in the series of superman vs. ant.
I need to do something about it. I need to not feel guilty and sad, which is hedonistic in a way. Here I am, trying to sneak around the fact that I've been an ant adn not feel bad about it, so that's another bastard move from me. But I really want to do something that.... I can really show how much I've appreciated all this stuff, especially for the last couple of years. He doesn't take my money, not that I have any. He's not rich, but money offerings won't be good. We're not huggy touchy feely, it's out of the realm of my culture's father-son relationships, but i want to show my feelings in a way that he sees how much I appreciate everything.
So Dads of Polyton, any suggestions? He doesn't want to travel a lot so ... getting him a vacation isnt' something he'd be into. I Knwo this sounds crazy, but the best thign I could do for him is to finally hook up with someone and get serious and get a baby. So he could see his grandchild(ren). He isn't going to get younger, and while I'm taking plenty of time to study and mess around and not do things like normal people, that's something I think he'd really just like to see. But that's not a reason to get a baby so... but I'll start to figure out and change my mentality into more "it should happen sooner than later" instead of "career first".
But what else is there? SOmething more immidiate? What could I do? I know he is proud of me and I know he is hyped that I get to do my dissertation, but .... I need to be more active. I need to show the full extent of my appreciation somehow. It's so big that I choke up just thinking about the selfless him vs. the selfish me. And I don't choke for none of the rest of you mofos, or all the hungry peopel in the world.
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