Tomorrow is killing me

[Pekka]

I have the interview tomorrow. It's killing me. I'm still nervous, very nervous. My stomach is all upset and I even have that little sweat of pain and fear.

It seems I can't shake off the feeling that this is the single most important moment of my life tomorrow. It's make it or break it. On top of that, I have extremely tight schedule with the flights. I have to make a connecting flight within 15 minutes. That's a leap of faith, but it was the only flight I could take so I can't help the situation. Then, at the destination, I have to make it to a bus within 10 minutes, so that's another stressful fact.

Maybe the worst fact is that I got myself a new shirt and I'm going with the suit I was against. Not that I think it's the best possible way to deal with this and I'm the only one wearing a suit, but I can't find my belt for the other pants, so basically I have to wear the suit. That's OK, and I went to get a new shirt. There weren't any that I liked, so I got one ordered and it arrived today as promised. Except it isn't the shirt I wanted. Ok, I can handle it, even though it is .. gasp... pink, but the tie that comes with it is also pink with some brokeback mountain type of patterns. It would be pretty OK for like... a coctail thing, but I'm just not 100% sure and I need to be, because this all is more pressure to me.

So that's basically ****ed. I have to go and get another new shirt today, something available, also most likely get a new tie with that as well so it fits great, so that's another 100-150 euros away from me. That's like.. I've spent 300 euros soon just today on two shirts and ties, maybe more, maybe close to 400 euros.

What can I say, it's not the money and I definitely can't afford these but I need this position so bad I can't even describe how perfect it would be for me. So if I'm going with a suit, I'm going with a damn suit and not some curtains wrapped around my body.

So I'm still very nervous, I have lots of places I can make a mistake, that's the mistake I'm making, I'm thinking of mistakes. I should be focusing on success right now. AND I have to explain things in there, I have to explain how my studies will be finished and it's always a mess even though I can say very soon. It'll be lke "so how many days?" "Dude, I don't know, I have to take like two courses and finish my thesis" "So when is it finished?" "Soon" "How soon?" ****! Because if I give a deadline, I damn well better make it. It's cool, but they might push it faster than I'm currently doing it, so if they push it, I have to agree and say I'll make it, and then I just have to make it. It's not like I get so much sleep now, better yet if I have to push my deadlines.

I'm just nervous, that's all. I'm nervous because I've never been this nervous. This means so much to me. I'm nervous because I don't know if I can be less nervous tomorrow. Usually I'm relaxed the day I have to perform, but now I don't know, usually I'm not this nervous at this stage so... who knows. I don't know how to calm my nerves. It's so bad that my stomach is *****ing as well so that's not helping. But I'll try. I just have to give it my best tomorrow, no excuses.

[Japher]

you'll do fine

[Pekka]

I hope so. I'm a bit more relaxed now. I went and got that new shirt (again) and had to get a tie with it. Cost me a long penny, I also decided to get a new haircut even though I had one 2 weeks ago. Just to be _sharp_. In few hours, I'll shine my best shoes for suits. I'm looking pretty sharp. I feel good about it. I'm worried it's a bit too sharp, maybe too executive. I mean I feel good in it and look good, but there's a point when other suits starts to look bad in comparison and they hate your ass. I was against this idea, but now that I'm for it, I'm going full throttle. I don't do crummy half assed suits. I do excellent or not at all, I just don't see the point having those crap suits that 95% of males are wearing every day. What's the point?

Yeah they cost money, I mean I just end up spending almost 400 euros for two shirts and ties and with my salary, hey, that was it for this month. The point is, if the suits looks like crap, it prolly is. If it looks good, it prolly is good, feels good and says something about the person wearing it, that is they put effort to make sure they got the right stuff and spent good money on it. But just like I said, I don't understand why one would throw on a crappy suit just because it's a suit. There's a point wearing it and that's to be smart dresser and to the occasion and then you can show respect to that occasion by showing effort.

It's got to fit perfectly and cut you a new look, that's the way I see it. So that thing is now covered. My head is a bit clowdy now, I can't think straight so I guess that was all the energy spent on mental efforts to fight the fear I'm having.

But if I don't succeed tomorrow, it just means the reality for you twisted the wrong way. I'll ace it tomorrow. Maybe they like someone else a bit better, but still I will ace it tomorrow and show them what I have and hopefully I will come back tomorrow as a happy man, drunk obviously, celebrating the path creation for the next 3 years.

[Japher]

The clothes make the man. If, for some reason, you don't cut it tomorrow at least you'll know it wasn't the suit.

[DanS]

If I can ask, how much did you spend on this suit?

[Pekka]

DanS, this suit? I didn't buy a whole new suit, but when I bought the black one that is my main suit, it cost... uhm... pants and jacket something like 900 euros? Can't remember correctly. Maybe a grand total, plus extra for things like shirt and shoes. But it's few years back. But I have only two suits, the other one is cheaper, but it's more coctail than not. But I'm always willing to spend on a suit, that's been my modus operandi in the past as well.

It's not like I spend a lot on clothes though. Suits are the only thing I spend, other than that, I'm a very easy going dresser. I like comfort over everything, so shorts, t-shirts, jeans.. that's kind of my thing. And sandals. Yeah. Not a hippie though.

Japher, EXACTLY. No excuses about nothing. That's a good thing, for better and for worse.

[Pekka]

DanS, actually, I was taught 'suit etiquette' almost from a toddler by my grandpa. I was always checking out his cool cuffs, he had tons of that kind of stuff.

So he always taught me stuff, he was a reaaal smart dresser, very, very good. I mean still is, but the point is, it's kind of been embedded in my head that I need to do certain things in certain way. I'm very strict about it. Very strict, I don't let anyone dress me in a suit or try to correct things (nothing to correct, but sometimes people start twisting things). I'm almost anal about it and I admit it would be frustrating for most, but it's not their problem, I don't tell them what to wear, or how to do things in a suit.

Actually my grandpa once gave me a pair of his best cuffs, the ones I always had my eyes on for years. Really, really good looking 'white pearls'. They're kind of old but don't look old, but they are. It was a big thing when he gave them to me as present, because they were dear to him and one of his favourites, but he gave them to me and I promised to carry them with 'smartness'.

[DanS]

OK, that sounds about right for a suit of clothes. On the other hand, probably you will have the best suit in the room. As you say, that is sometimes delicate. Especially so in academia.

In the US (and in Washington especially), cuff links are often a little too flashy, so I don't wear them. If I were a high-powered exec, I might wear them.

[Pekka]

Yeah yeah, I won't wear the cuffs, not in this case. Too flashy IMO. I'll leave 'all the extra' out of the picture.

And yes, especially so in academia, that's a bit touchy. And I understand it to a certain extent, I mean when you wear a suit, be smart about it, but then there's always the hmmmm factor, even when I just have a black suit so it's just pretty normal anyway but it can be touchy.

So I am dressing down just a bit, I also picked a... non-offensive, conservative type of shirt and tie, nothing wild, nothing flashy, but nothing crappy either.

But to me it's important, because I feel better if I feel like I'm looking sharp. It just shows, you get a boost of confidence if you're a bit nervous, it just helps me to perform. I don't want to be thinking if I look OK, no distractions. So to me it's a ritual, tomorrow morning, I'll take it all extra slow. I'll turn on some music, eat slow (something safe), take a long shower, dress slow.. and then it's on, ready for battle. It is a conscious preparation for something, so you need to be prepared and not 'Uh I didn't prepare'. A bad start is a bad start and it can be avoided easily.

In fact all this talking about nothing is just me preparing. I'm getting the nervous feelings out. This helps me a lot. I think I'll be feeling good tomorrow, I mean I'm feeling a lot better already . I'm just too conscious about myself so when I need to be at my best, I get a bit nervous. But my competitive drive is kicking in and I'm positively nervous, not just too anxious and clouded.

[Jon Miller]

This is for a graduate researcher position?

I think I may have shaved.

JM

[Pekka]

Yes. I guess you went one of them positions where you shave and go. Won't fly in security field though. This entity holds seminars with guests regularly from the government and security services etc. That is, if you're in this field, the researchers actually speak in conferences and consult entities such as the state.

So I kind of shaved as well.

[Pekka]

Well, I'll leave in 5 minutes for the airport. Be back later today. Thanks for the support, hopefully good news when I return.

[Jon Miller]

Originally posted by Pekka
Yes. I guess you went one of them positions where you shave and go. Won't fly in security field though. This entity holds seminars with guests regularly from the government and security services etc. That is, if you're in this field, the researchers actually speak in conferences and consult entities such as the state.

So I kind of shaved as well.

I don't know of a single graduate research position in physics that isn't shave and go. Not to say that some people don't dress up, but it isn't required.

JM

[Wiglaf]

I am very embarrassed to ask this, but pekka aren't you a finnish pornstar? what are you doing in graduate level physics interviews?

[Pekka]

wiglaf, it's not physics, JM is in physics.

I do computer science, and more to the point, security.