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I have been struggling with life for some time. For years I have been reclusive, unwilling to share myself with others and to make changes in my life while getting increasingly dissatisfied with it.
I gradually stopped communicating with my friends and family and the only people i have left are those who are strong enough to believe that our relationship is worth their efforts. I haven't helped them much.
I thought i was going into depression with a mixture of fear and relief. Fear of failure - to me depression was a failure at life - and relief - wishing i could let someone else fix me or numb me. Just get me out of this.
Over the last year though, i've taken some steps to try and get out of this pattern. Irine, my best friend / girlfriend / nagging witch (correct spelling) has pushed, nagged, convinced and enticed me into change. And i've driven her crazy. Because it's hard. Writing this is hard. Putting myself on the screen is hard. I don't do this. And that's how i know it's good. Like working out: if it don't hurt - it's no good.
So i try to talk to people more, i join my co-workers at the cafeteria and shoot the ****, i go to dinner with new people that i try to consider as friends. I walk the walk. And this thread is one more step. I told Irine i was going to write this last friday but i was copping out. So she reminded me.
Thanks Irine.
One of the first posts i made in the OT was in a thread about Imran's cat passing away. Everybody who posted in the thread was supportive and caring. I wasn't. I basically said " Enough already, I know it's not fun but it's only acat for Gods sake". And was flamed in return. That's the first time i saw a hint of the community part of this place. How you guys actually had a relationship, to whatever degree or level i'm still not sure.
Anyway. Last week i created a thread for my own birthday since you bitc... guys always forget.
Provost posted some inane comment - didn't even get a smilie - but Imran was actually the first to wish me a happy birthday. I thought it was nice. And for some reason i thought back on his cat thread. And for some reason, that triggered something. I just figured how much i was missing by not participating, pretending i don't care or that others don't care for me. And i started crying, at work. It's strange the reactions that i'm having recently. My birthday thread wasn't work safe apparently.
Irine calls this a breakthrough and i think she's right. Well, I'm no expert at this - i guess it reads it's a bit like scrambled eggs - and i know i didn't put in everything i wanted to but here it is.
And Imran, I'm sorry for your loss.
I gradually stopped communicating with my friends and family and the only people i have left are those who are strong enough to believe that our relationship is worth their efforts. I haven't helped them much.
I thought i was going into depression with a mixture of fear and relief. Fear of failure - to me depression was a failure at life - and relief - wishing i could let someone else fix me or numb me. Just get me out of this.
Over the last year though, i've taken some steps to try and get out of this pattern. Irine, my best friend / girlfriend / nagging witch (correct spelling) has pushed, nagged, convinced and enticed me into change. And i've driven her crazy. Because it's hard. Writing this is hard. Putting myself on the screen is hard. I don't do this. And that's how i know it's good. Like working out: if it don't hurt - it's no good.
So i try to talk to people more, i join my co-workers at the cafeteria and shoot the ****, i go to dinner with new people that i try to consider as friends. I walk the walk. And this thread is one more step. I told Irine i was going to write this last friday but i was copping out. So she reminded me.
Thanks Irine.
One of the first posts i made in the OT was in a thread about Imran's cat passing away. Everybody who posted in the thread was supportive and caring. I wasn't. I basically said " Enough already, I know it's not fun but it's only acat for Gods sake". And was flamed in return. That's the first time i saw a hint of the community part of this place. How you guys actually had a relationship, to whatever degree or level i'm still not sure.
Anyway. Last week i created a thread for my own birthday since you bitc... guys always forget.
Provost posted some inane comment - didn't even get a smilie - but Imran was actually the first to wish me a happy birthday. I thought it was nice. And for some reason i thought back on his cat thread. And for some reason, that triggered something. I just figured how much i was missing by not participating, pretending i don't care or that others don't care for me. And i started crying, at work. It's strange the reactions that i'm having recently. My birthday thread wasn't work safe apparently. Irine calls this a breakthrough and i think she's right. Well, I'm no expert at this - i guess it reads it's a bit like scrambled eggs - and i know i didn't put in everything i wanted to but here it is.
And Imran, I'm sorry for your loss.
I pretended in the other thread but really i just don't look for it. If KH or someone else does it i may or may not pick up on it: depends on the days i guess.
I posted the thread and had a look to see if it was ok, then i noticed my old location field said "On my way out". I thought that needed a change too.
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