Please cirtique my writing

[Kuciwalker]

We all know how that turned out last time

[LordShiva]

Yeah, well the American South is a poor excuse for a South

[Elok]

Agreed.

[Bkeela]

The arrogance of the first sentence instantly put me off.

You may call me 'reader' halfway through the essay, because chances are that I have found interest in what I'm reading by then, and will continue to do so, but don't assume I will read the entire piece first off: far too familiar and quite rude actually.

An introduction is not only a taste of what is to come, but should be so charged as to draw the reader onto the next paragraph. That is hard when the pompous pronouncement proclaims such petulant preaching - of what one can only guess. Even by the second paragraph it is uncertain just whose history is painfully being explained (as if to a one year old).

Give up writing now, unless you want to become a proof reader or something, because content is paramount.

Pure juvenile garbage.

[aneeshm]

I'm thinking of replacing every instance of "Islamic" with "medieval". That way, those who will understand will understand, and those who won't don't matter. Also, in the Taliban and Bamiyan Buddhas example, I can replace "Muslim glory" with "religious glory".

Will that improve the tone?

[Barnabas]

Originally posted by LordShiva
Yeah, well the American South is a poor excuse for a South

But I think the south of india is relatively wealthier than the north

[Mao]

*BURSTS INTO ROOM*

SPACING! SPACING!!! HAS SOMEONE COMMENTED ON THE SPACING AND COMMAS YET!!! OH WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE COMMENT ON THE COMMAS AND SPACING!!!

*reads post*

oh. well then.

[aneeshm]

Originally posted by Brachy-Pride


But I think the south of india is relatively wealthier than the north

It is quite a bit wealthier. It is also much less barbaric. Almost all the social evils associated with India are found overwhelmingly in the north.

Here is a two-part column about this:

Part I:The South, Ascendant
Part II:Why is the South doing well?

[Tingkai]

Re: Please cirtique my writing

Aneeshm: The opening is severely flawed, in terms of style and content.

Being ponderous is not a sign of intelligence.

There is no need to inform me that I am a reader.

There is no need to say that your essay give you a chance to do something.

If you first refer to a malady, then do not refer to it again in the same paragraph as "the same malady." That's redundant. Also, you would be better off using another word on second reference, like illness or disease.

Receptable is a good choice of word, as in something that people vomit into.

Break up the first sentence into two to create better pacing.

Oh, and as others have mentioned, there is no space before a comma.

When listing a series of items, it is often best to use only three points. This gets your idea across. More than three gets boring. And if you use a repetition, like our this and our that, use it throughout.

No need for quotation marks around the word small.

A tighter version of your first paragraph would be:

Let me warn you, this essay is not just an opportunity to critically and unsparingly analyze the greatest malady afflicting our nation. It is also a receptacle for the emotions that this illness provokes within me. The sickness is that our dreams, our aspirations and our expectations can only be described as small, and not befitting the greatness to which our nation must lay claim to as her right.

But several major problems remain in terms of content.

Why do need to warn the reader?

Why do you want to make an emotional argument instead of a rational analysis? Do you think an emotional rant will convince more people?

A major problem is that you are insulting the reader. You claim that our dreams, aspirations and expectations are small and not befitting.

Well, speak for yourself, mate. What do you know about my aspirations. Who are you to say that I expect to little.

If you want to persuade people, then don't alienate them.

Oh, a nation's greatness is not a right that can be claimed, but something that is achieved. No one has a right to greatness.

[DaShi]

Originally posted by aneeshm


It is quite a bit wealthier. It is also much less barbaric. Almost all the social evils associated with India are found overwhelmingly in the north.

Here is a two-part column about this:

Part I:The South, Ascendant
Part II:Why is the South doing well?

Once again, blaming furriners.

It couldn't at all be because the south contained the most coastline for trading, fishing, and other regional advantages.

[LordShiva]

Originally posted by DaShi
It couldn't at all be because the south contained the most coastline for trading, fishing, and other regional advantages.

No, it's not that. It's because South Indians are smarter

[DaShi]

That too.

[aneeshm]

Being from Madhya Pradesh and Maharashtra, I have no problems with people praising or insulting the North or the South - I'm from neither.

[DaShi]

Worst of both worlds, huh?