Please cirtique my writing

[MikeH]

It's way too long, I can't be bothered to read it.

[aneeshm]

Originally posted by Arrian


What are you trying to say here? Is it something like this:

There are some institutions left in India that are not completely hollow and might yet be infused with new life. [would be good to mention examples]. These institutions can be of use if we reinvigorate [reinvent?] them to suit our needs in modernity, rather than cling to their current forms [ack, need a better word there than forms] blindly.

Or have I totally missed what you're trying to say? I'm with Cort - it's not easy to understand where you're going with that paragraph.

-Arrian

You've got it absolutely right. That is precisely what I am trying to say.

[Arrian]

Ok, in that case I think my version is clearer.

I haven't read the whole thing... I may, actually, since this is a pretty slow day at the office, but I also need to eat lunch soon.

edit: I'm gonna have serious trouble with the message, though, yeesh.

-Arrian

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by aneeshm

They are, however, the last remnants of institutions which can still be made relevant and can still restore us to the glory to which we are today too small to aspire, and beyond, and therefore the need today is not to stick to them blindly, but to infuse new life into them.

What, precisely, is the problem? Why don't you get it?

Well, try reading it out loud in one breath. It twists and turns one way then another, leaving the reader tangled and confused.

After 'aspire', bits seem to be getting tacked on as afterthoughts. If I knew what you were trying to say I'd suggest an alternative. Maybe try rewriting it as two sentences.

- or try parsing it into its components.

Subject : They
Verb : are
then the rest of it seems to be some convoluted description of the subject with and ... and ... and. It's like a rant.

[DaShi]

Originally posted by Cort Haus


I think he made it clear that he was looking for a critique of style, not content.

Yes, but the content is important in identifying the style. If I go any further I risk Godwinizing the thread and taking it off topic as the same time.

[Arrian]

Yikes, having read the whole thing... I dunno how interested I am in making it more eloquent. I'm not really sure if I'm a "civilisational enemy" or not.

-Arrian

[aneeshm]

Originally posted by Arrian
Yikes, having read the whole thing... I dunno how interested I am in making it more eloquent. I'm not really sure if I'm a "civilisational enemy" or not.

-Arrian

When I say civilisational enemy, I refer to the way the British treated India and Indians from the time of the declaration of their official rule to their eventual leaving ("Indians and dogs not allowed", etc.), or the way that the Mughals and Sultans treated their Indian subjects and their culture, and the way almost all indigenous systems were all but finished during that period . The British have given up their ways, but the Arabs still haven't.

[Arrian]

Using terms like "civilisational enemies" and "Muslim invaders" to 17 and 18 year olds is potentially dangerous. Are you trying to incite hatred? Based upon other parts of your speech, I don't think so. Given that, toning down the rhetoric about the foreign devils (my words, I know, but that's the feel of it) might be appropriate.

-Arrian

[BeBMan]

Like Arrian, I'd say terms like "civilisational enemies" are too easily misunderstood . But then it depends for what you use this stuff - for some kind of propaganda it might be the right tone. For a real analysis or so it's certainly not....

[Kuciwalker]

Originally posted by aneeshm
Seems you didn't read what I posted. It's fixed.

You've got errors in the first couple lines.

[Heresson]

plz correct "out nation" to "our nation".

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by Heresson
plz correct "out nation" to "our nation".

already pointed out. :noah:

[Heresson]

I hate Englishmen. I'm putting a curse of Polish and Pakistani immigration upon You.

[LordShiva]

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by Heresson
I hate Englishmen. I'm putting a curse of Polish and Pakistani immigration upon You.

Coming second sucks, doesn't it. I'm sure you can find some more errors, though.

Anyway, teh Poles are already here. Soon your country will be empty and the Germans and Russians will have it all to themselves.