Chinese Humour

[joncha]

[Alinestra Covelia]

Time to renew an old classic Chinese humor article:

This ran in Off Topic in 2003 (I presume), when the Chinese were trying to develop their own codec.

AP WIRE
Slug: economic-WED-JUL-30-2003
Byline: Alinestra Covelia
TITLE: Chinese codec paves new era in porn

[Breakline]
The cries are growing louder and more insistent, as the pressure mounts for the Chinese government to legalize pornography. Beijing based nationalists and liberals alike agree that in order to truly assert its influence on the world as far as audio/video output is concerned, the Chinese government must allow its homegrown porn stars, currently eking out an existence on fringe publications, to enter the mainstream.

Statistics released by the State Pornography Assessment and Nudity Commission (SPANC) suggest that despite being the world's largest nationality (17% global populace), pornography featuring Chinese citizens makes up for only a paltry 1-2% of total online bongo footage. That's compared to 87% porn featuring white Americans, who make up 3.5%; and 10% porn featuring former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson, who makes up 0.0000000006% of the global census.

Adult filmmakers of various Southeast Asian countries have jumped at the chance to fill the market demand for naked but vaguely-Chinese-seeming bodies, flooding the industry with models of greater cost (Taiwan) or regional variations thereof. Said Reuters spokesman Burblechuff Foofoo Friday, "If the Chinese government could lift its protectionist state run tariffs and checks, a blossoming domestic porn industry could be well on its way to establishing a global reach by 2008."

Taiwanese porn star Jade Hsu spoke out Tuesday on the sometimes-unethical practices of the industry.

"They ask us to change our names, to paint corners into our eyes, and to pretend we can't pronounce 'r' sounds," she complained. "Then they give you drugs and force you to do bukkake," she continued, before her publicist administered a bitch slapping.

But there is little that can be done to stem the tide of cheap imitations in an industry where a discerning expert is an all too rare occurrence.

"Who amongst the Americans knows that 'Hsu' is a very Taiwanese surname?" asked pornographist expert and doctor of sexology Gunther Bottenhagen of NYU's Climactic Research Center. "Pornnoisseurs the world over are getting fleeced into buying or downloading or finding discarded under bushes so-called 'Chinese' pornography that really isn't the real deal."

Bottenhagen said that in order to guard against piracy and imitations, most buyers should ask for samples in advance and then take them to experts for consultation before buying. He added that he was free most Monday afternoons.

However, some fear that the damage has already been done to Chinese porn futures.

"Whenever I log onto an Asian movie site, they're always advertising Japanese and Korean women," said Times correspondent Jayson Blair. "They managed to get the stereotypes out there quickly and efficiently, that Japanese school girls love oral, and that Korean business managers take it up the arse. They have managed in the short space of five years to corner user awareness, leaving nascent Chinese porn stars struggling to find a niche market. Whether they can find another entry point or angle into the jackpot will spell life or death for the Chinese market."

Blair added thoughtfully "They do say China has a greater horse population than any other country. Shame to waste it."

Dissatisfied with the 'chop suey' Asian-a-like American industry, with such imitation Asians as Tera Patrick, Asia Carrera, and Kobe Tai, many western men are turning to Asian girlfriends, braving all the conversion, overheads, and cost inefficiency that that entails.

"Yeah, I know Angela Carter said that marrying for sex is like buying a jumbo jet just for the peanuts," said a Texas Klan Wizard who asked not to be named. "Just the other day, I was looking for a GameCube action replay on eBay, and there was one going but you had to buy the GameCube as well. I already had one but I bought it just the same, so I could get the action replay. This was something similar," he concluded somewhat lamely.

This comes as a severe blow to Chinese historical pride, especially as the sexual liberties of the Sung and Tang dynasties are the stuff of legends.

Said Beijing farmer Xiao Yunliang, "I want to see China great again. And I only know that that will have been accomplished when I see Chinese astronauts in space, Chinese fighter jets in the skies, and Chinese pornstars engaging in DVDAs and Cleveland Steamers on my VCD machine."

Tentative plans to catapult a Chinese porn industry have met with two obstacles - the lack of a charismatic leader to spearhead the main thrust, and fears of rampant piracy. The Chinese government is said to be in talks with Beijing-born singer Yan Zi and Hong Kong-based artist Faye Wong to promote media crossovers. The talks are being kept under wraps, after an early clinch with basketball giant Yao Ming resulted an in acrimonious split, after which Yao immediately pulled out and stopped shooting for the cameras.

Nevertheless, hopes are slowly rising that with the advent of proprietary porn codecs hitting the internet later this year, Chinese stars can get the backing and funds injection they have desired for decades. National recognition also tops most respondents' concerns.

"It really pisses me off that when you type 'Wang' (a common Chinese surname) into the search engine, you get nothing but sex sites," said irate Imperial TIE Fighter pilot HuManBing. "Hopefully when our girls achieve greater coverage and market penetration, that anomaly will be rectified. They could start with (Hong Kong singer) Wang Fei," he said. "Once she gets her kit off, all those Google porn hits mistakenly ringing in her name would be entirely justified."

American President George W. Bush was busy lynching buffalo at his Texas ranch and was unavailable for comment.
[enditem]

[Urban Ranger]

Originally posted by Smiley
The population of China is about 50 times that of North Korea. Even if the entire North Korean population were to empty out into China, it'd be hardly noticeable.

Only if they were evenly distributed.

If DPRK collapses the people will flee into Manchuria, which puts a very heavy burden on the provinces.

[Ecthy]

Manchuria? All China needs to do then is violate more chemical factory security and they will get rid of them.

[DarkCloud]

Kuciwalker-

It's not a bot. It's the DL of an old, now banned, poster.

I see... Which one? It can't be EVC or Stewart Spink... is it one of the ACOLers?

[Kuciwalker]

Ming wouldn't tell, but those with access to staff forums should be able to find out

[DanS]

Originally posted by Urban Ranger
Only if they were evenly distributed.

If DPRK collapses the people will flee into Manchuria, which puts a very heavy burden on the provinces.

If it's about the money, then China probably could convince the US to pick up part of the tab.

[St Leo]

Originally posted by DanS
If it's about the money, then China probably could convince the US to pick up part of the tab.

And the US would then borrow from China to pay the bill?