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**Elok** · July 25, 2006, 09:24

I never got to know three of my grandparents. Two died before I was born, and the third shortly after. My grandma's headed downhill now at the age of 88 (incipient dementia), and I'm not sure sudden isn't better. But if your grandpa's got advanced Alzheimer's, you probably know how horrible a long, slow decay can be.

All I can say is: I'm sorry, bud.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 09:44

yeah it's a slow decay and it's depressing to see, but I've been living in another city and away for some years now, and that means I haven't had the time to see him a lot lately except on Christmas. My point is, even though the decay is evident and has been going on for a long time now, I wouldn't mind if he stuck around for few more years. I don't want to be working my ass off and get the next call saying he passed and I wasn't even there to see him once or what ever.. you know..

Plus I hate funerals. I really really hate funerals. The Finnish Lutheran way of doing the whole funeral thing should be the hidden level of Dante's Hell. It's nothing but a pain fest for hours. I'd like nothing more than getting together with everyone, eating well, drinking some and talking about the good times, you know.. for the memory.

But NOOOOOO... it's the 30 minute organ pieces played back to back with the occasional cough and snif, everyone looking at their feet, sitting on the most uncomfortable seats made by man (in the 1800s). Then few singing ones with the organs, that mostly are about death and destruction, sang with voice as if you are in extreme pain or extremely bored.

After that we kick another gear on and if there wasn't people enough in pain, we make sure you are and stick knives in your backs for about few hours. Then you go home and that was it. Nothing else.

I hate funerals. Every single time I think I should be like Miles Davis and refuse going into them and just announcen that I'm sorry, I will never do funerals again in my life, except my own and that's it, no disrespect, but I won't attend.

But that doesn't really work, because everyone thinks I'm an a-hole after that so I have to. Because we like to suffer in groups. No one likes funerals so it's like the army, if you don't show up, you're an a-hole because you think you're so special, no one is having fun anyway so get your ass on the grass like the rest of us..

I'd like to suggest we change the whole way we do these funerals, let's do it like some other people do.. we get together, eat, drink and talk. That's it. No pain fest. I don't want myself to have a funeral like that anyway. My friends should have a decent evening and have warm memories, not a pain fest.

OK I'm done venting.

Oh well.. I just hope for few more years. That is all. I hope he will be granted just that because he is a good man.

**SlowwHand** · July 25, 2006, 09:55

Too good a man to stay here like he's having to, Pekka. Think of it like that. Might help you, I don't know.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 09:59

Yeah I don't know Sloww.. I mean, there's a chance he makes it too.. I don't want to paint any pictures to the walls, not more than I already have. He might as well have few more years, or even more. It's the pneumonia he has to get over with. It's been on 6 days now though and he's in a hospital.

If not few more years, then few more months, my work ends in 5 weeks so I can then travel back there and go see him.

But he's definitely one of the good guys.. classical golden age generation. You know, he looks just like them movie stars in those old films. He is a cool cat from the capital, city guy, with all the moves and that stuff. Professional who worked for Exxon (managment level), officer (Cpt) of the army, national level sailor and gymnast, a handsome fellow.. and a great grandpa. Survived the war and made something of himself. He lifted our family to the more prosperous level.

You know. Few more years.

**SlowwHand** · July 25, 2006, 10:35

I'll keep a good thought.

**snoopy369** · July 25, 2006, 10:44

Sorry to hear that

Hopefully he'll recover.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 10:46

this is starting to majorly suck now...

Mmm.. the situation is, that he is half way going to the other side right now.. docs won't give him any more nights, it's like any moment now... I didn't know it was THAT bad.

They say he had to get that hernia thing fixed, but he hasn't been able to crap for a while (I think) so they had to empty him from the mouth, meaning he had to puke a lot. This naturally was not the best possible idea (but maybe the only option), because it infected his longues. They've been giving him antibiots, IV, and basically it hasn't been of any help at all. It's been going for the worse, the pneumonia even with the medicine.

The docs said, that there's nothing else they can do about it. The problem is pneumonia right now, that is the life threatning thing and it's not going away, it's spreading and it's gotten the best of him.. he's unconsious most of the times... and the docs say they can't do anything more.

It's like .. ****.. are you sure there's nothing? I trust you if you say so, because you know, but I also know you say this because it's a money thing, so is there really nothing we can do about it than giving some antibiotics.. nothing? Everything is worth a shot...

Major suckage happening right now.. and I have to go to work and today was the night I was supposed to deal with these few ****** that we've been having problems. No ****ing way, not today.. Umhh.. I don't want to work but I have to go.. there's simply no one to replace me now and theres' no work if I dont' show up.... that's just impossible but this ****ing sucks so much I don't know what to think.

I told my aunt who is in the hospital to say Hello for me to my grandpa... he is unconscious but maybe he can hear me.. I don't know... this is not a good day to be working, or week for that matter.. I'm too much on the edge and thinking about this righ tnow I don'¨t know but I'm having extremely difficult times controlling my emotions right now.

Besides **** thsi company, I need to be with my grandpa right now. I know I'll get fired if I go and I can't afford that but.. anyway, **** my company very much thank you.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 11:04

This is a bad idea. Fortunately I have an assistant.. She's very nice and we get along well so I hope she can help me a bit more today and this week.. this thing can still go on for a week or so, who knows, but this edge thing isn't suited for me. I just... I know there will be people crying for few days off for the weekend so they can go drink or something (well they told me they want to go drinking so I'm not guessing), I hope they won't come today and pass my assistant against my orders.. No.. I wont' be violent but I just can't be having discussions with few people right now.. just won't work, I hope they get the message and deal with my assistant as I have instructed. I'm not in the mood right now. I don't know if this makes me a bad boss but **** it, I don't care right now.

I'm sliding into self pity right now and it's not healthy. When my grandma died, I dealt with it in a very teenager way. But it was healthy and normal. When my best friend died, I couldn't deal with it at all. Now, my grandpa is going away and he is the cornerstone of what I think is an example of a succesful man, a real man, I just k now what will happen after this is over.. there will be the bitter fight over belongings, people hogging **** that doesn't belong to them, it'll be ugly and I hate it already. I just say to them that I don't need anything, I'd like few memoirs, few pictures maybe or som ething like that but if I have to 'fight' for stuff, I already give up. *******s can ruin everything for all I care for themselves.

LIke I said, I can't control myself now... I'm observing myself and my fingers are typing, but my head is a fuzzy place and I don't know how to deal with this. I am emotionally impotent as I have told you when I joined Poly.. I'm a bit better now but still quite inept. Umm..... I should be basically isolated for few weeks, that's hwo I do it. now I'm not only unable to be with him, I'm also forced to work and dela with high pressure job and loads of employees. I'm going to be unprofessional because I just can't think straight I have other things on my mind I can't quite deal with myself.

My professional move tonight will be leave me alone I do not want to talk to anyone. I'm glad my managers don't do shifts, because if they did, I'd had to deal with them too, and from them I just can't disappear. It'll be along night ahead. I hate it already. This whole week will be nothing but long nights, not a good thing but hey what cna you do.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 11:15

And I feel like a traitor too. Why am I protecting my own 'career' by saying to myself I can't just say screw you I need to be going and if you don't understand that, then I don't want to work here. It's the whole managing thing, I mean, there's no one managing my teams and they are not allowed to make most of the decisions and they can't do the reporting so.. I basically have to be there. Everyone that could replace me for a while, you know, help out and take my area as well are on vacation, sick leave or what ever. You knwo those few of those idiots are on motivational sick leave, they're not sick, they just don't want to work for a while and extend their vacations, it's extremely obvious, and when **** like this happens, well we have to pay for it.

If I had any balls, I'd show up working today and say I have to leave now, au revoir, see you in the next life. Alas, I have no balls, but future regrets about this gutless behaviour of mine.

I'm sure grandpa understand though.. he's a succesful man, he knows what it takes.. but the price seems too high sometimes... I don't know I'm just typing and blabbering becaus eI don't know what else to do. Maybe this is like one of those ways when you keep walking you know, because if you stopped, you'd fall and collapse.

Kind of like fixated on doing and performing because you need at least half of your brains to be guessing what you're trying to do so you can't be taken over fully because it will take you out. I just don't know.. talking about myself here, I'm on survival mode right now.

**snoopy369** · July 25, 2006, 11:29

Can you ask for some bereavement leave? In the U.S. most companies give a few days off (paid or unpaid, depending) when a relative dies ... or at least ask your boss ... after all, your boss is human, too ...

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 11:33

My boss is on summer vacation. Basically so are other managers of that level and higher ups.

Basically I'm the top dog there this week in these shifts. And no, they have to shut down the work if I don't show up. So no, I can't be away.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 11:37

The worst side of this is that (for me) I don't know how to deal with this. I guess no one really knows how to, but I'm like on the other extreme side of the ones who really don't know. I have no tools for this.

I'm already in the analytical survival mode. I see myself, I'm watching myself functioning from the roof. Everything seems to be working, a bit diffenrelty, but still working. It's almost 7PM and I'm sweating a little, a lot from the hands. My vision is a bit blurry and my brains are working in cycles; slow moments and extremely fast leaps. I'm fairly disoriented and I don't know what comes after the analytical mode. I'm too muhc of a worrier anyway so I can't be in that mode now, it would overheat and I would melt.

I just don't want to deal with people right now, no one. I don't even want to go out.

I don't have a traditional fever but I'm super hot right now.. very very hot.. and starting to get tired as well.

**Pekka** · July 25, 2006, 11:51

Another interesting notion, I find barking dogs, shouting kids and ringing doorbells extremely irritating right now. Extremely. Irritating.

edit: and now I feel clear again. Hmm... weird. Goes in cycles.

**Spiffor** · July 25, 2006, 12:11

Pekka, go to see him. From what you're writing, it's now or never. And if you don't go to see him, if you don't do what you consider to be the right thing, you'll keep that nagging regret all your life.

As to your company, you're not at fault for going to visit your grandfather on what might be his deathbed. Any manager worth his salt should be aware that problems can happen, and that a coworker might be incapacitated. When he took his vacations, and let the others take their vacations as they wanted, he should have thought about it.
When a situation happens where there are no options when one coworker can't come up to work, it's a proof of a bad management, not of a bad coworker.

Besides, if bereavement days are mandatory in France (they are), I sure imagine they're mandatory in Finland too.

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