I can't stop being the other guy

[Apocalypse]

Really.

In the past year I've done at least something significant with at least 15 or so girls and all but one or two have had boyfriends or fiances at the time.

A few weeks ago I decided to just stop doing anything with anyone unless I knew for sure they were single. This is due to one of them I had a big friends with benefits thing going on got married. She still hasn't told me, she just keeps flirting. I just know from other people.

Well, this past weekend I did stuff with friend I've known for a while now and also know clearly she has one. She even mentioned him a few times this weekend. Still didn't stop anything from happening.

I don't even know how to find a single girl anymore. Everyone interested in me seems to have a significant other. Sometimes I know about it before something happens, other times I don't. I don't know what do to for this to stop happening.

[Tiamat]

How about asking them straight up when you first go out, meet or whatever. If something is about to get started suggest that you clear the air and find out, then if she does back off even if Mr. Happy doesn't want to. It usually won't work out. They may come to you for a little fun but the S.O. is the one they are going to go to and stay with for the long haul.

[Apocalypse]

Yeah I know. I really don't want it to continue, it's just that it seems ot happen easily. I don't know what I do in particular that makes me attractive to those types of girls and not the single ones.

[Urban Ranger]

Maybe you are attracted to them and not to the single ones.

[Tiamat]

No, it's just that your probably sweet and nice etc.. and obvioulsy a decent lay since it keeps happening. For women it's the saftey issue. You're safe because they know it will never go any further then a little rummpy pummpy and then they can go back to their SO and security. Is there something about you that may come across as you not being a secure person? Ie: job stability or realtionship stability?

[Urban Ranger]

I don't think that's the case Tia, or the same thing would happen to all of us nice guys. But it doesn't.

[Apocalypse]

Originally posted by Tiamat
No, it's just that your probably sweet and nice etc.. and obvioulsy a decent lay since it keeps happening. For women it's the saftey issue. You're safe because they know it will never go any further then a little rummpy pummpy and then they can go back to their SO and security. Is there something about you that may come across as you not being a secure person? Ie: job stability or realtionship stability?

Well, it has gone various lengths. I don't think it is because they think it will stop at a certain point necessarily. It has gone all the way.

Right now there is probably a stability issue. This summer at least I have no where to live for at least two months. Well, I have places, but I'm not sure if it will be either here or Texas. I'm still looking into issues. It's just up in the air because I can't live with my parents anymore.

[Apocalypse]

I don't consider myself a nice guy either. I'm considered bit of an ******* actually, especially by the two girls who probably know me best right now.

[Tiamat]

Makes my point even easier. You are not someone they are willing to give up their SO for. You're not stable, your a bit of a dick so it's just a booty call for them. All the way in the mind of a woman doesn't count unless it's with your SO. Face it honey...your just a booty call or satisfaction for a momentary need but the SO's have you beat hands down. These girls go into it with you knowing nothing will ever come of it, eyes wide open so to speak. They know what their doing, they just never clued you in.

We can be caddy little bit*hes when we want.

[Apocalypse]

I know it's a booty call sometimes. I was asked by a friend at UT to stay with her for my spring break. I told her no once I learned that she actually had a new boyfriend and just wanted to play with me for the week. Since a previous girl I slept with had gotten married the day I had left for this break, I ended up deciding not to see her.

I understand it is kinda just for fun for them, but I'd like to stop it some how and make myself a bit more attractive to single women.

[The Emperor Fabulous]

There's the problem: don't go for UT girls. I've known three, and each of them had a "boy on the side", and I was he for one of them without realizing it.

Those Longhorns are trouble.

[Ted Striker]

Originally posted by Tiamat
Makes my point even easier. You are not someone they are willing to give up their SO for. You're not stable, your a bit of a dick so it's just a booty call for them. All the way in the mind of a woman doesn't count unless it's with your SO. Face it honey...your just a booty call or satisfaction for a momentary need but the SO's have you beat hands down. These girls go into it with you knowing nothing will ever come of it, eyes wide open so to speak. They know what their doing, they just never clued you in.

This is pretty much exactly what's going on.

We can be caddy little bit*hes when we want.

Number one way to chase a man out of your life, being proud of it just makes the process go faster.

[Flip McWho]

God if I ever found out my gf was having a bit of booty call on the side she'd be gone so fast she'd be like gone so fast.

Whatever happened to not cheating?

[Barinthus]

For one thing, move out of your parents'. Easier said than done I know.

Wait a minute - let me clarify this up. You want to stop being others' sidedish and maybe find a nice girl to see if you can foster a relationship with?

If that's the case, definitely move out. Think about qualities you would want in a woman for a relationship. Then apply those to yourself.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't have a goal for herself, isn't working toward a goal, living with her parents or demostrates some kind of dependency on her parents, doesn't shows stability emotionally and finacially.

I've been in a similar situation as you, I was the other guy for a while. During college years it used to bother the heck out of myself. I guess being a sweet guy who smoked weed, was widely known as a middle man for drug dealers, something of a social oddity who couldn't keep up with current fashion trends didn't help my case at all despite being fairly good looking.

Ever since I graduated from college and held real jobs (well sort of), lives on my own, stopped some of my more nefarious tendencies in the dark world of drugs , I actually stopped being 'the other guy.'

There are times where I've dated (shagged to be more precise) girls that I would never consider having a relationship with. They often didn't have a job, lived with their mommy and daddy, depended on them for money, didn't finish college, and so on. I recall this one wonderful lay I would might have considered exploring a relationship with if she had finished college, was living on her own, and had some serious goals for herself. But alas she didn't.

Now I'm back to being the other guy and it doesn't bother me since I've gotten cynical after having my heart broken repeatedly. However I am going to end it since I recently found out that I'm far far away from being the only other guy for that particular woman. I do have to look out for little Bar, ya know.

I will never forget a female friend who told me once that after I get my masters, women would be banging on my door. In a way it made sense - obtaining a masters would demostrate a greater sense of security and stability which a relationship needs. We'll find out after I get my degree at UCSD two years from now I suppose.

The point to my ramblings here is if you want to be considered a relationship material - you have to make some adjustments in your life. Step back and examine yourself. Think of things you would want in a woman for a relationship and apply those to yourself.

[SpencerH]

So you've got the benefits of a relationship without all the baggage? .... and the downside is?