Announcement

**Spec** · May 21, 2005, 09:39

**Spec** · May 21, 2005, 09:41

--------------COMPANY MEMO-----------------

It has been brought to the attention of this office that many employees have been dying while on duty for apparently no good reason. Further, some employees are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which do not fit into our company program.
Ettective immediately-----This practice must be discontinued!

On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without investigation under Regulation No. 20, Section D (non-productive labor).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held by a desk, typewrite", drawing board, telephone or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a 90-day period of grace will be granted.

The following procedure will be strictly adhered to:

If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and origin of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly to avoid waking the employee if he or she, is asleep (which is permitted under the present regime and union contract). If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.

NOTE: In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching action may occur. Do not be misled by this manifestation.

In the event that any employee fails to abandon whatever he is doing when it comes time for coffee break, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has set in.

Signed

The Management

**Provost Harrison** · May 21, 2005, 09:46

I'll have to remember that one

**JohnT** · May 21, 2005, 10:10

To: Lord Vader
From: Admiral Piett
Re: My Recent Promotion

May the Force be with you, Lord Vader.

For starters, I would like to thank you for my recent elevation from lowly captain to Admiral of the Emperors fleet. I promise that I will do everything I can to avoid the mistakes of my predecessor, Admiral Ozzel.

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

However, I must make you aware of a number of issues regarding my sudden promotion. Please be patient and understanding as you read the following list.

1. While my rank has been increased, this information apparently has not been given to the Imperial Payroll Department. Please notify them of my promotion, and if I may be so bold, have them adjust my pay retroactively to the date I was promoted. I, myself, am perfectly satisfied to do this job while being paid a scale commiserate with what one should expect of a first-year Captain... unfortunately Lord Vader, my wife is not.

2. My sudden promotion has apparently sparked an internecine debate that I am unable to quell. Many people of higher rank are refusing to obey my orders, declaring that you did not follow the established procedures set up by the Executive Committee. I am too busy chasing and fighting the rebel scum to worry about their petty concerns, and I was thinking a word or gesture from you, Lord Vader, would do much to bring order within the ranks.

3. I am concerned by reports that indicate that you might have a familial relationship with the person or persons involved in the destruction of the last Super Space Station, the "Death Star" as the system techs have called it. While I am sure that this has the potential to be quite a touchy subject, in my new duties as Admiral I have no choice but to bring it to the Emperors attention.

Thank you for taking your time in addressing my concerns. I'm sure that everything will be resolved shortly with you by my side, Lord Vader!

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

Most faithfully and always yours,

Admiral Piett

CC: The Emperor Palpatine, The Executive Committee, the Imperial Payroll Department.

**Provost Harrison** · May 21, 2005, 10:19

Imperial Payroll Department

**JohnT** · May 21, 2005, 16:11

This place is just too damned serious.

Lighten up, people!

**BeBMan** · May 21, 2005, 16:36

To: Lord Vader
From: Admiral Piett
Re: My Recent Promotion

May the Force be with you, Lord Vader.

For starters, I would like to thank you for my recent elevation from lowly captain to Admiral of the Emperors fleet. I promise that I will do everything I can to avoid the mistakes of my predecessor, Admiral Ozzel.

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

However, I must make you aware of a number of issues regarding my sudden promotion. Please be patient and understanding as you read the following list.

1. While my rank has been increased, this information apparently has not been given to the Imperial Payroll Department. Please notify them of my promotion, and if I may be so bold, have them adjust my pay retroactively to the date I was promoted. I, myself, am perfectly satisfied to do this job while being paid a scale commiserate with what one should expect of a first-year Captain... unfortunately Lord Vader, my wife is not.

2. My sudden promotion has apparently sparked an internecine debate that I am unable to quell. Many people of higher rank are refusing to obey my orders, declaring that you did not follow the established procedures set up by the Executive Committee. I am too busy chasing and fighting the rebel scum to worry about their petty concerns, and I was thinking a word or gesture from you, Lord Vader, would do much to bring order within the ranks.

3. I am concerned by reports that indicate that you might have a familial relationship with the person or persons involved in the destruction of the last Super Space Station, the "Death Star" as the system techs have called it. While I am sure that this has the potential to be quite a touchy subject, in my new duties as Admiral I have no choice but to bring it to the Emperors attention.

Thank you for taking your time in addressing my concerns. I'm sure that everything will be resolved shortly with you by my side, Lord Vader!

Death to the Rebel Alliance!

Most faithfully and always yours,

Admiral Piett

CC: The Emperor Palpatine, The Executive Committee, the Imperial Payroll Department.

To: Admiral Piett
From: Lord Vader
Re: Re: My Recent Promotion

Admiral, just for clarification:

1. Do not expect more money before you bring me those rebels I want. Consider yourself lucky that I didn't ask any of the bounty hunters to do the job!

2. If you are not able to bring order into your troops I may rethink your promotion. And pray to the force that I don't inform the Emperor about your weakness!

3. This is the first and the last warning: the Emperor as well as myself, we both don't care about these little intrigues. This isn't the ****ing trade federation, just in case you don't know. So better be careful. There are more fleet officers in need of a command than you little son of a Hutt!!!

Lord Vader

**Tuberski** · May 21, 2005, 16:44

An oldie, but a goodie:

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget, Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor, who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

***

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials “debris.”

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to our request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them be aware that they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter due to inability to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.) So,as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization -- the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

ACK!

**MrFun** · May 21, 2005, 16:50

To: Super Target Guests

From: A Very Important Cashier

We appreciate the fact that you come here repeatedly to shop at our store, in spite of you leaving shopping carts at the end of the checkout lanes, so as to set up obstacles for other guests, and for employees.

We also appreciate your loyal patronage in spite of the fact that you constantly complain of any speck of mess in the public restroom that was probably the result of your own incosiderate neglect of cleaning up after yourself.

And we sincerely appreciate your repeated patronage with our store in spite of the fact that you have no qualms about smacking your kid in the checkout lane, thinking that this will get the kid to stop crying, when in fact it does nothing, or makes the situation even worse for our ears.

Having expressed our appreciation of loyal guests such as yourself, we would like to mention a few issues:

Do not presume that the cashier is so dense that he does not know what kind of vegetable or fruit he is about to weigh for you. It's not because he doesn't know the type of frut or vegetable, you dumbass, but that he is looking to see the code for that particular produce if he has not already committed that code to memory. Insulting the cashier's intelligence by saying, "Those are bananas" is simply uncalled for.

If you have coupons, give them to me promptly, early enough during the checkout process. Yes, I can scan the receipt, and then process the missed coupons after having scanned all your merchandise, but this is a waste of ****ing time for: yourself, me, and for the guest behind you.

If you bring a merchandise to be checked out that does not have a barcode/price on it, do not act shock that the cashier has to deprive you of two more minutes of your life to call the department to get the barcode number or the price of the merchandise. If you are that anal about time, MAKE SURE YOU BRING A MERCHANDISE THAT HAS THE TAG.

If you forgot your wallet/purse and left it in your vehicle because you're retarded or demented, and you ask me to hold the stuff for you until you return, I will do just that. But don't start huffing and puffing if I had suspended your transaction so I can take care of other guests and if I'm in the middle of taking care of someone else. Believe it or not, I will retrieve your transcation and take care of you once I'm done with the current guest. Contrary to what you may think, the universe does not revolve around you.

No apologies if this memo offends you in anyway, but if you still return to shop here again, we will still appreciate your patronage so we can take more money from you.

From a very important cashier

**MrFun** · May 21, 2005, 19:35

You're right JohnT . . . . . .

a lot of guys on here need to lighten up instead of letting this thread plummet.

**Verto** · May 21, 2005, 22:15

Originally posted by MrFun
To: Super Target Guests

From: A Very Important Cashier

Adding to this one, as Super Target is undoubtedly facing the same problems as Albertsons..

Dear Customer,

It has come to my attention you have decided to forgo the three lanes currently open and operated by Albertsons Associates, and have instead chosen to scan and pay for your transaction through the Self Checkout Lane(SCOT). Congratulations and taking this bold new step into the 21st century. However, please keep in mind the following:

1.) The Self Checkout Lanes are just that; lanes in which one can check oneself out. Do not come into the lane with a kart full of groceries expecting a.) the experience to be instantaneous and b.) the Associate manning the SCOT station to check out YOUR ENTIRE ORDER FOR YOU WHILE YOU ***** ABOUT HOW YOU HATE THE SCOT AND HOW THE GODDAM AISLES DO NOT FORM A PERPENDICULAR ANGLE TO THE TROPIC OF CANCER.

2.) As an Albertons Associate, I am ~~required~~ eager to help you, and all senior citizens, out with any questions you have. However, interrupting me while I am in the middle of checking out another customer; speaking on the phone with another department; otherwise immediately and obviously involved in something, because you cannot wait in line to buy a newspaper is not appropriate; neither is coming up behind me out of nowhere to tap me on the shoulder and give me 1.50$, leaving before letting me know what the money is for.

3.) Do not come into the store at EXACTLY 10:48PM and complain about the store only having one lane and the SCOT open. Conform to society's norm or go to Wal-Mart.

4.) Do not call an Albertons Associate over to your SCOT station and immediately a.) complain that you are being charged the wrong price b.) demand the item be taken off and c.) that the manager be called over, when the solution to your problem involves taking your Albertons Preferred Card and scanning it, thereby causing the computer to give you the PREFERRED SAVINGS TO WHICH YOU OH SO POLITELY HAVE SPOKEN OF.

5.) Do not leave your 7 year old child sitting in the kart, and expect me to load groceries into it.

6.) Do not come into the store at 7:15AM on a Saturday morning wanting 100$ cashback, and expect me to have a drawer full of twenty-dollar bills. Do not complain that you are having to accept eight five-dollar bills, and DO NOT tell me how normally you would "make me go get you 'real bills'". Should this 'request' actually be made, it would garner the same response: we are not a bank.

6.a) Do not expect me to have eight dollars in Sacagawea coins; do not threaten to talk to my manager about how horrible Albertsons is when I inform you that we do not have in our possession any coin currency other than quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, unless a customer has used them to pay for a transaction.

6.b) Do not pretend that you, someone I have never seen before, are my buddy and ask if I can "hook you up" with "a couple dollars" because you "left in your car". It is not my job or obligation to provide you with the funds necessary to feed your addiction to a.) beer or b.) tobacco products.

7.) Do not complain that you had to waddle "ALL THE WAY INTO THE STORE" to get on a handicapped cart; it is idiotic and impractical for us to keep them stationed in the parking lots, next to the handicapped spaces. And no, I do not feel sorry that you actually had to get off your ass to buy ice cream and smokes.

8.) When checking out, it is usually considered polite to not speak on the cell phone, as this hinders the speed and smoothness with which we can take care of your order. However, I'm sure that your conversation is far more important than myself, or the other mere mortals standing in line behind you. We understand completely that not only did you have to take that call, but that you had to leave the lane completely so as to have your privacy. In fact, feel free to not come back for five minutes, by which time I have suspended your transaction and taken care of other customers. And of course, I should not have done so, as you take priority, since you have "other places to be".

9.) Feel free to ask me questions as I am a.) going to, or on, my break; b.) leaving my shift entirely. However, when I am leaving the store with my Albertsons shirt tucked under my arm, on a cell phone, do not push a cart at me and act as if you are helping me out; this is especially important when my attention is focused on something else, like the person with whom I am conversing, or getting my keys out of my pocket. When, upon recovering from the kart that just hit the side of my leg, I ask what the hell you are doing, and do not take your cart back in the opposite direction and put it away, don't waste my time threatening to get me fired.

Judging by the attention with which you give the audio and written instructions on the SCOT screens, you undoubtedly crumpled this memo up and threw it, along with a Starbucks coffee, into the kart you just discarded and allowed to hit the Shop 'N Scan display.

**JohnT** · May 21, 2005, 22:18

Originally posted by BeBro

To: Admiral Piett
From: Lord Vader
Re: Re: My Recent Promotion

Admiral, just for clarification:

1. Do not expect more money before you bring me those rebels I want. Consider yourself lucky that I didn't ask any of the bounty hunters to do the job!

2. If you are not able to bring order into your troops I may rethink your promotion. And pray to the force that I don't inform the Emperor about your weakness!

3. This is the first and the last warning: the Emperor as well as myself, we both don't care about these little intrigues. This isn't the ****ing trade federation, just in case you don't know. So better be careful. There are more fleet officers in need of a command than you little son of a Hutt!!!

Lord Vader

To: Lord Vader
From: Admiral Piett
Re: Your Clarification to my memo of last Thursday

May the Force be with you, Lord Vader!

Lord, I must take issue with your response to my memo. I am but a single man, unable to ... aararrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!

--------------------------

To: Captain Mindu
From: Lord Vader
Re: Your New Appointment

Admiral Piett has failed me for the last time. He was as clumsy as he was stupid. You are in command now, Admiral Mindu.

**JohnT** · May 21, 2005, 22:27

To: The Jedi Council
From: Mace Windu
Re: My Wallet

After leaving the council chambers Friday evening, I became very consternated when I found that I had misplaced my wallet. Given to me by an old friend, now passed away, I am quite fond of the wallet and the memories it brings of my earlier life.

My efforts in searching the council chambers and my office have failed to locate it. My staff has been scurrying over the entire weekend - but to no avail. I have even tried to use the powers of the Force, but even they have failed me.

If you locate my wallet, please notify me posthaste. It's easy to identify:

It's the one that says Bad MotherF*cker on it.

**MrFun** · May 21, 2005, 23:40

I love you, Verto.

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