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Confederate News "Serving the South Since the Great Collapse"
President Mrmitchell Encourages Gun Use
President Mrmitchell has outlined a plan to encourage gun readiness in the South should a war break out, or should POOPheads refuse our request for Arkansas.
-All hunting restrictions have been removed. There is open season on every animal that can "be killed with a gun." Mrmitchell was quoted as saying, "If there's a bullet in it, it has been legally hunted" at the press conference.
-Gun owning restrictions are now much looser. Citizens can own all the way up to machine guns if they agree to serve in the Army at any time of war.
-Training classes for firearms, especially types used by an organized army, have been opened in all 3 states. Large attendance has made the events a "runaway success."
It is hoped that the programs will raise gun readiness and encourage public support for a trained army.
South repeats demands of Arkansas, Mississippi
President Mrmitchell said that the South would be forced to go to WAR with POOP if it could not give us Arkansas. "Those (synonym for POOP) heads are talking bull(POOP) when they say Arkansans worship that idol pickle. We all know that Arkansans are really true Christian conservatives that are being oppressed under POOP er, uh, oppression." Southerners expect that an invasion of POOP territory would start a rebellion by the Arkansans under POOP control.
Study of Florida done
A study of Florida has determined it not necessary for Southern growth. "It's all only old people," said a scientist who asked to remain unknown.
South offers trade, peace with all nations that oppose POOP oppression of Arkansas and Mississippi
Southern diplomats today announced that "gracious diplomatic relations, free trade, and lasting peace" would be offered to "every nation that helped the Southern cause of reuniting with the two Oppressed States." POOP officials have not commented, although they recently burnt down a series of rural towns in Arkansas and stole Mississippi's pig. POOP denies the latter charge.
HOW DARE YOUR CARTOGROPHERES NOT INCLUDE US IN YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAP!??
I didnt know if it was recent or not when I edited it.
IC:
To The Redneck South: We will gladly trade you our larger caliber weapons such as artillery, as they are of no use to us. Our surrounding enemies are all weak and we need only guns for hunting. If you could send a sampling of female slaves, of the special variety , I would gladly send you a howitzer to start things off! Though Im not sure how it will get there, perhaps the rail lines are still working? We could always send it by water.... or perhaps some of our machine guns will do instead?
We shall support you in your efforts to liberate Mississippi and Arkansas by selling you supplies and equipment. We have a few fighter planes on the assemly line. In return we ask that you help us open up trade routs. Our goods need safe and maintained routes to travel through, so it would be a great help for both of us if you acted as a stabilizing presence in the midwest and south.
to NAD:
We tried to send the runner back but he didn't make it. Further investigation revealed that there are a number of raider clans operating in former British Colombia, preying off the lcoal population and any traders that attempt to pass through. We are taking steps to rectify this, and as soon as the way is clear we would be happy to trade goods and allow you to ship on our roads.
Cascade Republic calls up army, invades British Colombia to secure roads and railroads and pacify the area. So far Vancouver and Victoria have been incorporated and forces are pressing up along the sea and bringing the transportation routes under control.
The entire Cascade fleet, consisting of a few warships and some transports, has embarked and arrived at the Hawaiian Islands. The fleet was greeted warmly as it brought supplies and goods the Hawaiians have been without these last few years. The arrival was indeed very timely for it is estimated Hawaii only had about 3 weeks worth of Spam left. An alliance has been signed with Hawaii and there rather substantial fleet is helping to regularize flow of goods.
Other News
Rumors have been making their way north of important events in South America. Apparently, a 12-way war is beign fought in Ecuador, Colombia, and Venezuela between the countries' governments, drug lords, and rebels, including a group of mercenaries financially backed by Brazilian warlords. A civil war in Argentina has put a Marxist empire in power there. Mexican refugees, fleeing the Mexico-city based military dictatorship, are attempting to cross into the former border states. The dictator's army has arrived, and is killing anyone they suspect of attempting to leave, as well as generally pillaging the countryside, though no incursions into other territory has yet occurred.
Attached Files
Those walls are absent of glory as they always have been. The people of tents will inherit this land.
Confederate News "Serving the South since the Great Collapse"
Name changed: Confederate States of America
Our name was now changed to reflect our history. And that "Redneck South" is a ****ty name.
South Carolina Asked to Join Confederacy
Diplomats are now in the capital of South Carolina, asking them to join the Confederacy. Although everyone expects the offer will be accepted, the government there has set up a public vote to determine it. Results are expected to be in tomorrow, with a landslide victory in favor of joining.
Confused Floridans Elect President
In southern Florida, retirees today elected George Bush President, mistakenly voting for him instead of Al Gore. This is surprising, because there were no polling stations or even an election at the time, but hell, it's Florida.
Draft Introduced
The Southern Legislature passed by a vote of 25 - 4 to require all men between 18 and 30 to serve if a state of war is to arise, or if the nation is placed on alert. Soon following the passage, President Mrmitchell placed the nation on alert, vaguely referencing a POOP threat.
Mexicans Flee to Texas
Mexicans have been fleeing the dictatorship that has arisen in Mexico, to Texas, and to Arizona and California. The Confederacy welcomes all immigrants who will join the Confederate Army, and can understand orders to "rush over the border and kill anyone carrying a pickle."
President Mrmitchell Issues Ultimatum
President Mrmitchell today gave his final demand to the POOPheads: that the territories of Arkansas and Mississippi be given to the Confederacy. Mrmitchell repeatedly coughed and yelled "TENESEE!" during the speach also, but he says he has a bad cold.
We would be happy to trade with you, guns for pretty much anything (need anything that can be farmed?). Your current agreement is acceptable. We assume they can be transported through neutral Former Canada and Former USA.
CASCADE (TOP SECRET):
As soon as we have control of Arkansas, Mississippi, and *COUGH*TENNESSEE*COUGH* damn I've got a bad cold, we will give up our warmongering ways, seeing that we will have been reunited as One South.
Regardless of our current conflicts, we promise you that your shipments and citizens will be carefully protected when inside our nation.
GREATER QUEBEC (TOP SECRET);
We are aware that you want Lousiana. If you agree to give us military and economic support, we will capture Louisiana for you, and give it to you once the War on POOP is over. Except for New Orleans. We'll split it as a kind of dual control thing.
Armies have gathered on the borders of Arkansas and Mississippi, ready to invade the POOP-Oppressed Territory (POT, and, that's actually not a pun.
President Mrmitchell has given the POOP 16 hours to give over Arkansas, or have it and Mississippi and Tennessee taken by FORCE.
Riots in South Carolina have started. There, the citizens cannot wait for a seemingly far-off vote. They want to join now. South Carolinan governer has not yet acted.
Huge forces have gathered in the Texan side of Texarkana. Smoke was seen rising from the Arkansan side but Confederate forces promise they have not done anything yet.
New states enter CSA
The Governor of South Carolina has, pressured by protestors demanding it, replied that that state will join the Confederacy effective immediately.
Riots in Oklahoma City have shut down the city and spread statewide due to inefficiency of the territorial governor. The state's residents asked the CSA to allow it to join, and the response is "yes". The CSA now includes Oklahoma, Texas, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Its population is currently being counted.
Breaking News: The POOP Situation
No official response to the demands has yet been given by POOP leaders. President Mrmitchell's 16 hour period allowed to surrender Arkansas peacefully is already 2 hours shorter. It has been varified that fires have broken out in Arkansan Texarkana, but President Mrmitchell assures the world that this is the oppressed Arkansans' own doing to try to break POOP rule. As POOPheads in the North continue to remain silent on the issue, the grip of government control in Southern POOPland seems to be slipping. Confederate soldiers have yet to do anything, and have not even entered enemy territory.
To Great New Republic (TOP SECRET):
That's alright. All you have to do is stay in yer own business and the CSA will have no diplomatic problems with you. In fact, why don't we go ahead and sign a non-agression pact?
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