What Sid Meier has taught me

[Stefu]

I got thinking. Sid has surely, through his wondrous games, taught me quite a lot of world history and life in general.

I mean, from Civ 1 on.

Civ 1 taught me that all of the Africa - and Eurasia, too - is really controlled by Zulus. All that jazz about Zulus being beaten at Rorke's Drift is just Yankee propaganda. The Green Menace is at us, baby.

Civ 1 also taught me that the development of labor unions was really a good thing. Not for wages or working hours or anything like that - for all that Mechanized Infantry.

Civ 1 taught me we could just start building a space rocket to Alpha Centauri right now - and we could put tens of thousands of people in it and have it go at a respectable fraction of the speed of light and it would land succesfully. I wonder why none of the ***** governments has done it.

Civ 1 taught me that now that we got Electronics, we're using those Colosseums for entertainment more than ever. Must be quite a boon for Italy, that.

Civ 1 taught me that leaders of the world survive for 6000 years, even in democracies. I wonder why they put up with the charade of pretending to be different leaders.

Civ 1 taught me that people in democratic nations can curse up a storm about troops being sent far away, but when all those troops get killed, people turn content. In other words, democracy makes people news masochists. Vietnam was a diversion, and it's all controlled by Zulus, anyway.

Civ 1 taught me that colonization is a dangerous business. After all, if a city of size 20 builds a Settler, it means that 200,000 people leave it, but when the city's established, there are only 10,000 people in there. So, 190,000 people must have died in the way. Truly there must always be some sacrifices for a growing nation.

Civ 1 taught me that travellers were hardy folk in the olden days. After all, no matter you being a little three-town Bronze Age civilization in Greece, the travellers still can tell you about projects undertaken by Aztecs, Zulus and Mongols.

And lastly, Civ 1 taught me that if you're a warrior spirit, and feel like you're a fortified on a mountain, there's nothing that can take you down, not even bombers and battleships.

Then there was good old Colonization. While that, for some reason, omitted all those Zulus, it still taught me many important lessons.

Colonization taught me that no matter how someone hates you, all you have to do to make them like you is destroy their capital. Maybe that only applies to Indians.

Colonization taught me that all those Elder Statesmen of Britain and other countries, doubtless verbally defending the King and Country for dozens of years, become flaming agents of rebellion the moment they set their foot in America. Must be something in the water.

Colonization taught me that artillery shrinks when it's attacked, and it can't be repaired, even though ships can.

Colonization taught me that Indians hate criminals when you send them to learn things, but love them when you make them missionaries and send them to convert them. Those inconsistent Indians. No wonder they got exterminated.

Colonization taught me that defeated soldiers never die, they just fade away - and are then captured by other powers and taught to be Sugar Planters.

Then we get to the Civ2. Civ2! Too bad Civ1 had already taught me most of the stuff Civ2 taught me, but there still were some lessons.

Civ 2 taught me that you, too, can wander in jungle fastly - if you just wear skis.

Civ 2 taught me that all the Sioux lived in the places they did battle in with Americans. They probably were human shields, all. Civ 2 also taught me that Sioux are more important a civilization than Arabs because they figured more prominently in American history.

The "Red Front" scenario made by Captain Nemo for Civ 2 taught me that Stalin could have whopped Nazi ass more quickly had he just built cities on all those fortified positions and ferried those positions on Kharkov and Leningrad and other such cities under attack.

I'm sure Alpha Centauri and Civ3 have also taught me something, but their lessons haven't been so important. Well, except for the one about capitalism making you stupid, at least if you look at the way the AI uses Morganites. What has Sid Meier taught you?

[reds4ever]

..the yankees were at Rorkes Drift?

well, having seen 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'U351', whats one more piece of heroics for Hollywood to comandier?

[Demerzel]

Ah yes U-571, a superb piece of historical fiction indeed. God bless the USA!

Sid Meier & Civ 1 taught me that 5 cannons can cross the world, crushing all in their path and make you ruler of the world.

Civ2 taught me to not expect to crush all phalanx units beneath my tank as they will use their spears in ways I couldn't imagine

[Bereta_Eder]

Civ 1 world map taught me you dont even need to build athens, you just stroll to rome and capture an already made city. then a bit north to paris or berlin, the same.
then you meet the russians got to have something more than settlers to get their cities

[Bereta_Eder]

i know its cheating

[Hurricane]

In Civ3, that chopping down jungles has nothing to do with global warming.

[Hurricane]

That a ship takes 50 years to cross the world, but a tank army can do the same using rail in an instant.

In Civ3, that you can airlift Infantry divisions, but not one great leader.

[Stefu]

Taking out Iraq might have been a strategic error. I mean, now that the Babylonians have been conquered, the Zulus are inevitable going to pop up somewhere and kick everybody's ass.

[DaShi]

Civ2 taught me that when Civil Wars occur one side inevitably becomes British.

[Serb]

Pirates taught me that it's enough to defeat an enemy's captain and remaining 228 sailors will surrender in awe.

[red_jon]

Colonisation taught me that -

Slavery is all an anti-white myth! Fight the power!

Natives were stupid, unpredictable and violent. They deserved to be destroyed - it's the only way those poor, opressed whites could exist!

The mother country NEVER sent military assistance. They must know they're treating you badly, because all those expeditionary troops are there solely if you rebel.

And Civ 2-

Germany and France never met each other (both are blue). WW2 saw Germany march across an empty load of land to it's west. Why did the allies get so uppity?

The Romans and the Celts also never met (both white). The Romans just marched across an empty load of land to it's north. Why were they seen as brilliant conquerers?

The Suez canal has existed since the dawn of time.

Global warming doesn't involve flooding, just the England turning into a lot of swamps.

And Civ1-

Pirates would never raid a town with a barracks in it - even if it contained no troops. However, a town could have 10 riflemen in it and without that barracks, the pirates have free reign.

Without city walls your coastal city could flood! Even if it's built on a mountain. See, global warming always existed.

CTP2

Greenland is the most fertile land on the planet. Seeing as it's a massive expanse of grassland...

[Andrew1999]

Railroad Tycoon taught me the steel is made entirely from coal and that power plants produce paper.

[red_jon]

Transport Tycoon tought me that people don't care where they or their mail goes, as long as they go somewhere.

[Arrian]

Pirates! taught me that with a Fast Galleon & 200 men, I could take over the Carribean.

-Arrian

[Jack the Bodiless]

The Civ games taught me that:

All forms of pollution produce the same black or orange gunk (with white bits that inexplicably form themselves into skull patterns) that can be cleaned up by men with shovels.

The real reason that so many recent wars are US-led is because the US owns the United Nations, which lets them declare war on a whim. If any other democracy tries it, their nuclear power plants will explode.

Until recently, even primitive cultures could irrigate fertile land with seawater.