Tweet
I've been thinking of writing a book titled Common Sense 101, or, So You Were Born In Ohio.... I figure that if I'm going to be stuck here in Ohio for the immediate future, I might as well try to make things a little more pleasant for me all for all of the hapless Ohioans whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. This is a rough draft of my first chapter, "Rules of the Road." Any constructive criticism y'all can offer would be most appreciated.
1. If it is dark outside, then turn on your headlights.
"But loinburger, I do turn my headlights on at night!" Perhaps this is true, but you may have noticed, my dear Ohioan, that there is often a three-mile-thick cloudbank that is blanketing the sky, and that this cloudbank might be there regardless of whether it is noon or midnight. This cloudbank, having the tendency to block the sun, will also tend to make it dark outside.
"Now you're just talking crazytalk, loinburger. Why should I turn my headlights on at noon?
" Because, like I just pointed out it's often dark at noon. I'm afraid that this course may be too advanced for you -- you should consider enrolling in "Common Sense 100, or, So You're An Idiot..."
2. Hey Jackass, try going the speed limit for a change!
That's right, you may think that you're a speed demon by going 50 MPH in a 65 MPH zone, and you may be forgiven this error by virtue of the fact that you were born in Ohio, but please don't let it happen again.
3. Move the **** over!
If you insist on going under the speed limit, then please do so in the right-hand lane. The fast lane (also called the "passing lane") is given that name for a reason, namely, that a good rule of thumb to employ when using this lane is that you should be either a. going fast and/or b. passing somebody. Violation of rules 2 and/or 3 may result in me driving my car up your ass.
"Clearly, if you drive your car up my ass, then you are driving too fast for conditions! You should slow down!" Actually, I'm driving perfectly in control. The reason that I'm going to drive my car up your ass is because I hate you.
4. Hey buddy, I'm in the same boat as you.
It is a common misconception among many Ohioans that tailgating somebody will either a. cause them to speed up or b. cause them to move over. While this may sometimes be true, a good rule of thumb to employ is that if the guy in front of you (in this case me) is closely following the guy in front of him, then there's not a whole helluva lot that the guy in front of you can do about his situation. Tailgating him will not cause him to speed up nor will it cause him to move into the next lane to the right (which you will note is filled with trucks going 60 MPH). On the contrary, it may cause him to slam on his brakes just to piss you off.
5. Put the pedal to the metal!
There is no excuse for you to require 60 seconds to accelerate from 0 to 60. No excuse. (Unless your car is on fire, I suppose. Then you are forgiven.)
6. Turn your car already, dammit!
Barring bumps in the road and/or inclement weather conditions, you will note that most normal human beings are perfectly capable of keeping control of their car while turning left/right at up to (or even in excess of!) 15 MPH. I understand that you are not a normal human being (what with being born in Ohio and whatnot), but please, at least make some attempt to go faster than 1 MPH when making a turn.
7. Why the hell are you backing up???
If you are in the middle of the intersection waiting to making an unprotected left-hand turn, and the light turns yellow/red before an opportunity to turn presents itself, then one of the stupidest things that you can do is to back up out of the intersection into the guy waiting behind you. See rule 6 to determine what you should do in this situation.
1. If it is dark outside, then turn on your headlights.
"But loinburger, I do turn my headlights on at night!" Perhaps this is true, but you may have noticed, my dear Ohioan, that there is often a three-mile-thick cloudbank that is blanketing the sky, and that this cloudbank might be there regardless of whether it is noon or midnight. This cloudbank, having the tendency to block the sun, will also tend to make it dark outside.
"Now you're just talking crazytalk, loinburger. Why should I turn my headlights on at noon?
" Because, like I just pointed out it's often dark at noon. I'm afraid that this course may be too advanced for you -- you should consider enrolling in "Common Sense 100, or, So You're An Idiot..."2. Hey Jackass, try going the speed limit for a change!
That's right, you may think that you're a speed demon by going 50 MPH in a 65 MPH zone, and you may be forgiven this error by virtue of the fact that you were born in Ohio, but please don't let it happen again.
3. Move the **** over!
If you insist on going under the speed limit, then please do so in the right-hand lane. The fast lane (also called the "passing lane") is given that name for a reason, namely, that a good rule of thumb to employ when using this lane is that you should be either a. going fast and/or b. passing somebody. Violation of rules 2 and/or 3 may result in me driving my car up your ass.
"Clearly, if you drive your car up my ass, then you are driving too fast for conditions! You should slow down!" Actually, I'm driving perfectly in control. The reason that I'm going to drive my car up your ass is because I hate you.
4. Hey buddy, I'm in the same boat as you.
It is a common misconception among many Ohioans that tailgating somebody will either a. cause them to speed up or b. cause them to move over. While this may sometimes be true, a good rule of thumb to employ is that if the guy in front of you (in this case me) is closely following the guy in front of him, then there's not a whole helluva lot that the guy in front of you can do about his situation. Tailgating him will not cause him to speed up nor will it cause him to move into the next lane to the right (which you will note is filled with trucks going 60 MPH). On the contrary, it may cause him to slam on his brakes just to piss you off.
5. Put the pedal to the metal!
There is no excuse for you to require 60 seconds to accelerate from 0 to 60. No excuse. (Unless your car is on fire, I suppose. Then you are forgiven.)
6. Turn your car already, dammit!
Barring bumps in the road and/or inclement weather conditions, you will note that most normal human beings are perfectly capable of keeping control of their car while turning left/right at up to (or even in excess of!) 15 MPH. I understand that you are not a normal human being (what with being born in Ohio and whatnot), but please, at least make some attempt to go faster than 1 MPH when making a turn.
7. Why the hell are you backing up???
If you are in the middle of the intersection waiting to making an unprotected left-hand turn, and the light turns yellow/red before an opportunity to turn presents itself, then one of the stupidest things that you can do is to back up out of the intersection into the guy waiting behind you. See rule 6 to determine what you should do in this situation.
Comment