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I've been musing for some time over the question "What, in terms of political history, is the worst place on Earth?". With that question in mind, I started checking out some of the likeliest candidates for a starring role in a Filth column.
This was very nearly a feature about China. I've always had a soft spot for the sheer scale and inventiveness in slaughter that the Orient produced- tales of Queens having their limbs hacked off and then being drowned in barrels of wine are music to my ears. One day their time will come...
However one country, astonishingly, beats them. It's history covers but a fraction of the time that China has been around, but for sheer concentrated barbarity it has no equal. No other country can matched it for ruthless and blood-drenched weirdos in positions of supreme power. Not even Scotland. Would the winner please step forwards?
Hello Paraguay.
Now Paraguay doesn't make the news much, and it never has. It just hides away behind its more glamorous neighbours, skulking away in a particularly grotty area like a geo-political haemorrhoid. That's a simile that suits it well, for Paraguay really is the arsehole of the planet. While other Latin American states gave us sexy beverages, sultry racing drivers and intriguing new ways to wear one's pubic hair, Paraguay has been the testing bed and living museum of crap politics.
It's early years were your usual South American tale of woe- Conquistadors, diseases, Jesuits, massive repression of the native Indians, yadda yadda. Noting special at all, really. The fun kicks off when Paraguay broke free of Argentina and became independent in 1811, under....
Jose Gaspar Rodriguez de Francia 1766-1840.
Or, as he preferred to be addressed, "El Supremo". He was Paraguay's first dictator, and under him Paraguay became a sort of prototype socialist state a good 100 years before it became trendy in the world at large. Dr Francia gets a mixed press- he was far from the average totalitarian dictator because certainly wasn't a corrupt man. Every day he withdrew a miserly two pesos from the treasury to fund his entire household needs. He was ruthless in his pursuit of the corrupt, and the state treasury's coffers swelled handsomely under his control.
However he was murderously egocentric. Anyone, without exception, failing to accord him the respect he felt he was due was immediately executed on the spot. He ruled without ministers wielding sole and total control of the nation. Being vehemently anti-religion he seized all church property, persecuted the clergy, and for a time made marriage illegal. He also banned fiestas, abolished every form of social distinction, closed all colleges and had all dogs shot (he didn't like dogs much).
Hating the aristocracy, and the racism they displayed to the Indians, he passed incredibly draconian marriage tax laws to ensure that the only people the landowners could afford to marry were native Indians. This worked rather well, and helped avoid racial conflict in the country, so he made mixed-race marriage compulsory.
Paraguay's borders were closed and it became a hermit state. Uninvited foreigners were imprisoned for years, while other immgrants simply had all their property confiscated. El Supremo liked confiscating things.
If you want a flavour of what this prototype Stalin was like, examine how he treated his own family. His sister married without his permission, so he had her husband shot. And the priest who married them. His sister disappeared, presumably bearing more bullet-holes than previously. Finally, when he realised that his daily allowance of two pesos was not enough to feed both himself and his daughter, he generously legalised prostitution so that she could lawfully earn a living. Bless him.
Carlos Antonio Lopez 1790- 1862
Gained power on the death of Dr Francia in 1840, and was the polar opposite of his predecessor. He managed three years of constitutional rule before getting bored and abolishing the constitution. From then on he ran Paraguay as his personal piggy bank, and by his death he personally owned over half the country. If Dr Francia was the prototype Stalin/Pol Pot, Lopez was the classic fat military dictator with both grubby paws in the state's coffers. Lopez re-opened the borders, established diplomatic relations across Europe and America, and almost picked a fight with the USA in 1845.
Beyond his amazingly rapacious corruption, Lopez was a pretty deft ruler and he steadly built up Paraguay's military power. He freed many political prisoners, allowed some dissent and abolished slavery (in name only)- his philosophy seemed to be that as long as you gave him all your money he wasn't that bothered about what you got up to. However his son was the worst thing to ever hit South America.....
Francisco Solano Lopez 1827- 1870
One of the worst rulers of all time, young Francisco watched his father steadily build up Paraguay's military power, and became over-confident. Pausing briefly to marry Eliza Lynch (an Irish prostitute) he started making aggressive interventions in the war between Brazil and Uruguay, which resulted in him declaring war and invading Brazil in 1864. When Argentina refused to allow Paraguayan troops to move through their territory, Lopez declared war on them too. Finally the new Uruguayan puppet government declared war on Paraguay, which meant that Paraguay was at war with nearly all of its neighbours simultaneously, hopelessly outnumbered and out-gunned.
Within two years, suicidal attempts to invade Brazil and Argentina had shattered the Paraguayan army and the country was being invaded from all directions. Massacres and disease decimated the population. Frantic Paraguayan Generals tried to persuade Lopez to seek peace, but he refused to stop fighting and had them all executed (usually by having them tied to anthills to be eaten alive by the ants). When his 70 year old mother and two sisters tried to make him see reason, he had them all repeatedly beaten savagely and kept them nailed into wooden crates, from which they were only removed for further beatings. His two brothers and two brothers-in-law were executed.
Finally, and mercifully, Lopez was killed in battle. The War of the Triple Alliance caused the death of an estimated 80% of Paraguay's population, making it pro rata the bloodiest war ever. By the final days, the Paraguayan army consisted of children as young as six attacking enemy artillery placements with clods of earth.
Interlude
Between 1870 and 1954, the shattered Paraguay had no fewer than 40 Presidents, mostly crap dictators, and assassinations were rife. It was lucky to have any at all- it was only it's convenience as a buffer zone between Brazil and Argentina that ensured it's continued existance. It was left with a liberal constitution, and hordes of ambitious and corrupt politicians that formed two parties- the Colorados and the Liberals- and these parties have picked over Paraguay's bones since. The Colorados ruled from 1887 to 1904, when the Liberals revolted. Then in 1932, the **** hit the fan again....
Eusebio Ayala/ Jose Felix Estigarribia
This pair made quite a double-act. Ayala was President, and Estigarribia was his leading General. Between them they launched a war against Bolivia over control of the Chaco river region- an important area to two land-locked countries. It was also a hell-hole- a disease-ridden morass of snakes and ants full of highly pissed-off Indians. The Chaco War was three savage years of slaughter, in which wounded soldiers were flayed alive by ants. Surprisingly, Paraguay managed to win this one.
Ayala and Estigarribia couldn't celebrate for long, however. Within a year they had been deposed by a coup and imprisoned. Estigarribia made a comeback, and became President in 1939. He was just (in typical Paraguayan style) abandoning the constitution and installing himself as sole dictator when an aeroplane crash transformed him into a gooey red smear across the landscape.
General Higinio MorÃnigo
Replaced the puddle of blood and gristle that used to be Estigarribia. Compared to the others mentioned here, Moringio seems a little half-arsed. Yes- he was a brutal and repressive military dictator, but this is Paraguay, dammit. He gets a mention because he firmly installed the Colorados into power (where they've been pretty much ever since) and bloodily persecuted the Liberals. He also displayed un-Paraguayan levels of military restraint by waiting until 1945 before entering the Second World War (declaring war on Germany and Japan). Unfortunately he wasn't as effective at brutally slaying his opponents as other Paraguayan dictators, and in 1947 a devastating civil war erupted in which he was deposed by his own party.
Interlude
6 relatively quiet years. Admittedly the country had just had the crap kicked out of it (again), and it had 6 Presidents during this time (2 were democratic, astonishingly). It had 2 coups, and one "coup within a coup". It was almost dull. Then the next nutter strode up...
Alfredo Stroessner (1912- )
Stroessner was the son of German immigrants. Many of the immigrants to Paraguay were German, and in the 1920's German nationalist groups kept springing up that were noted with approval by a certain Mr Hitler across the Atlantic. After 1945, Paraguay became one of the most popular destinations for fleeing Nazis seeking the solace of Aryan neighbours and a nicely militaristic dictatorship- most notably Josef Mengele.
Stroessner presents an example of what Hitler could have been if he hadn't been so determinedly expansionist. He was the longest-serving dictator in Latin American history, and quietly kept his atrocities within Paraguay's borders. His power was propped up by some shrewd diplomacy- Stroessner was the right-wing golden boy of the USA until the late 60's, and when his relationship with the States soured he allied himself to the Brazilian juntas. There were numerous large civil projects completed, but half Paraguay's economy was dedicated to the military (which, in Paraguay, exists to combat internal enemies, not external ones) that supported his regime.
Stroessner had two particular hallmarks- one was widespread persecution of the Indian minorities, the second was having political opponents thrown out of aeroplanes, leaving the Paraguayan landscape liberally dotted with splats of dissident puree. He was so good at this that he lasted until 1989 before being toppled in yet another military coup.
Recent years.
My trusty old Encyclopaedia Britannica signs off making hopeful noises about the restoration of democracy in Paraguay following the arrival of a democratic government in 1993. Fat chance.
In 1996, Paraguay was on the brink of a military coup when General Oviedo objected to his sacking and started getting ambitious. Widespread protests on the streets in favour of democracy resulted, and Ovideo backed down. Unfortunately, in 1999 he was back. The vice-President Dr. Luis Maria Argaña was assassinated with the prime suspects being Oviedo and the President, Raúl Cubas. Cubas was ousted in a Congressional coup and fled the country along with Oviedo.
In nearly 200 years of existance Paraguay has lurched from one dictatorship to another. Only one democratic leader has served a full term, the Colorados still hold power and the military is still primed and ready to attack internal opponents. Have you booked your holiday yet?
This was very nearly a feature about China. I've always had a soft spot for the sheer scale and inventiveness in slaughter that the Orient produced- tales of Queens having their limbs hacked off and then being drowned in barrels of wine are music to my ears. One day their time will come...
However one country, astonishingly, beats them. It's history covers but a fraction of the time that China has been around, but for sheer concentrated barbarity it has no equal. No other country can matched it for ruthless and blood-drenched weirdos in positions of supreme power. Not even Scotland. Would the winner please step forwards?
Hello Paraguay.
Now Paraguay doesn't make the news much, and it never has. It just hides away behind its more glamorous neighbours, skulking away in a particularly grotty area like a geo-political haemorrhoid. That's a simile that suits it well, for Paraguay really is the arsehole of the planet. While other Latin American states gave us sexy beverages, sultry racing drivers and intriguing new ways to wear one's pubic hair, Paraguay has been the testing bed and living museum of crap politics.
It's early years were your usual South American tale of woe- Conquistadors, diseases, Jesuits, massive repression of the native Indians, yadda yadda. Noting special at all, really. The fun kicks off when Paraguay broke free of Argentina and became independent in 1811, under....
Jose Gaspar Rodriguez de Francia 1766-1840.
Or, as he preferred to be addressed, "El Supremo". He was Paraguay's first dictator, and under him Paraguay became a sort of prototype socialist state a good 100 years before it became trendy in the world at large. Dr Francia gets a mixed press- he was far from the average totalitarian dictator because certainly wasn't a corrupt man. Every day he withdrew a miserly two pesos from the treasury to fund his entire household needs. He was ruthless in his pursuit of the corrupt, and the state treasury's coffers swelled handsomely under his control.
However he was murderously egocentric. Anyone, without exception, failing to accord him the respect he felt he was due was immediately executed on the spot. He ruled without ministers wielding sole and total control of the nation. Being vehemently anti-religion he seized all church property, persecuted the clergy, and for a time made marriage illegal. He also banned fiestas, abolished every form of social distinction, closed all colleges and had all dogs shot (he didn't like dogs much).
Hating the aristocracy, and the racism they displayed to the Indians, he passed incredibly draconian marriage tax laws to ensure that the only people the landowners could afford to marry were native Indians. This worked rather well, and helped avoid racial conflict in the country, so he made mixed-race marriage compulsory.
Paraguay's borders were closed and it became a hermit state. Uninvited foreigners were imprisoned for years, while other immgrants simply had all their property confiscated. El Supremo liked confiscating things.
If you want a flavour of what this prototype Stalin was like, examine how he treated his own family. His sister married without his permission, so he had her husband shot. And the priest who married them. His sister disappeared, presumably bearing more bullet-holes than previously. Finally, when he realised that his daily allowance of two pesos was not enough to feed both himself and his daughter, he generously legalised prostitution so that she could lawfully earn a living. Bless him.
Carlos Antonio Lopez 1790- 1862
Gained power on the death of Dr Francia in 1840, and was the polar opposite of his predecessor. He managed three years of constitutional rule before getting bored and abolishing the constitution. From then on he ran Paraguay as his personal piggy bank, and by his death he personally owned over half the country. If Dr Francia was the prototype Stalin/Pol Pot, Lopez was the classic fat military dictator with both grubby paws in the state's coffers. Lopez re-opened the borders, established diplomatic relations across Europe and America, and almost picked a fight with the USA in 1845.
Beyond his amazingly rapacious corruption, Lopez was a pretty deft ruler and he steadly built up Paraguay's military power. He freed many political prisoners, allowed some dissent and abolished slavery (in name only)- his philosophy seemed to be that as long as you gave him all your money he wasn't that bothered about what you got up to. However his son was the worst thing to ever hit South America.....
Francisco Solano Lopez 1827- 1870
One of the worst rulers of all time, young Francisco watched his father steadily build up Paraguay's military power, and became over-confident. Pausing briefly to marry Eliza Lynch (an Irish prostitute) he started making aggressive interventions in the war between Brazil and Uruguay, which resulted in him declaring war and invading Brazil in 1864. When Argentina refused to allow Paraguayan troops to move through their territory, Lopez declared war on them too. Finally the new Uruguayan puppet government declared war on Paraguay, which meant that Paraguay was at war with nearly all of its neighbours simultaneously, hopelessly outnumbered and out-gunned.
Within two years, suicidal attempts to invade Brazil and Argentina had shattered the Paraguayan army and the country was being invaded from all directions. Massacres and disease decimated the population. Frantic Paraguayan Generals tried to persuade Lopez to seek peace, but he refused to stop fighting and had them all executed (usually by having them tied to anthills to be eaten alive by the ants). When his 70 year old mother and two sisters tried to make him see reason, he had them all repeatedly beaten savagely and kept them nailed into wooden crates, from which they were only removed for further beatings. His two brothers and two brothers-in-law were executed.
Finally, and mercifully, Lopez was killed in battle. The War of the Triple Alliance caused the death of an estimated 80% of Paraguay's population, making it pro rata the bloodiest war ever. By the final days, the Paraguayan army consisted of children as young as six attacking enemy artillery placements with clods of earth.
Interlude
Between 1870 and 1954, the shattered Paraguay had no fewer than 40 Presidents, mostly crap dictators, and assassinations were rife. It was lucky to have any at all- it was only it's convenience as a buffer zone between Brazil and Argentina that ensured it's continued existance. It was left with a liberal constitution, and hordes of ambitious and corrupt politicians that formed two parties- the Colorados and the Liberals- and these parties have picked over Paraguay's bones since. The Colorados ruled from 1887 to 1904, when the Liberals revolted. Then in 1932, the **** hit the fan again....
Eusebio Ayala/ Jose Felix Estigarribia
This pair made quite a double-act. Ayala was President, and Estigarribia was his leading General. Between them they launched a war against Bolivia over control of the Chaco river region- an important area to two land-locked countries. It was also a hell-hole- a disease-ridden morass of snakes and ants full of highly pissed-off Indians. The Chaco War was three savage years of slaughter, in which wounded soldiers were flayed alive by ants. Surprisingly, Paraguay managed to win this one.
Ayala and Estigarribia couldn't celebrate for long, however. Within a year they had been deposed by a coup and imprisoned. Estigarribia made a comeback, and became President in 1939. He was just (in typical Paraguayan style) abandoning the constitution and installing himself as sole dictator when an aeroplane crash transformed him into a gooey red smear across the landscape.
General Higinio MorÃnigo
Replaced the puddle of blood and gristle that used to be Estigarribia. Compared to the others mentioned here, Moringio seems a little half-arsed. Yes- he was a brutal and repressive military dictator, but this is Paraguay, dammit. He gets a mention because he firmly installed the Colorados into power (where they've been pretty much ever since) and bloodily persecuted the Liberals. He also displayed un-Paraguayan levels of military restraint by waiting until 1945 before entering the Second World War (declaring war on Germany and Japan). Unfortunately he wasn't as effective at brutally slaying his opponents as other Paraguayan dictators, and in 1947 a devastating civil war erupted in which he was deposed by his own party.
Interlude
6 relatively quiet years. Admittedly the country had just had the crap kicked out of it (again), and it had 6 Presidents during this time (2 were democratic, astonishingly). It had 2 coups, and one "coup within a coup". It was almost dull. Then the next nutter strode up...
Alfredo Stroessner (1912- )
Stroessner was the son of German immigrants. Many of the immigrants to Paraguay were German, and in the 1920's German nationalist groups kept springing up that were noted with approval by a certain Mr Hitler across the Atlantic. After 1945, Paraguay became one of the most popular destinations for fleeing Nazis seeking the solace of Aryan neighbours and a nicely militaristic dictatorship- most notably Josef Mengele.
Stroessner presents an example of what Hitler could have been if he hadn't been so determinedly expansionist. He was the longest-serving dictator in Latin American history, and quietly kept his atrocities within Paraguay's borders. His power was propped up by some shrewd diplomacy- Stroessner was the right-wing golden boy of the USA until the late 60's, and when his relationship with the States soured he allied himself to the Brazilian juntas. There were numerous large civil projects completed, but half Paraguay's economy was dedicated to the military (which, in Paraguay, exists to combat internal enemies, not external ones) that supported his regime.
Stroessner had two particular hallmarks- one was widespread persecution of the Indian minorities, the second was having political opponents thrown out of aeroplanes, leaving the Paraguayan landscape liberally dotted with splats of dissident puree. He was so good at this that he lasted until 1989 before being toppled in yet another military coup.
Recent years.
My trusty old Encyclopaedia Britannica signs off making hopeful noises about the restoration of democracy in Paraguay following the arrival of a democratic government in 1993. Fat chance.
In 1996, Paraguay was on the brink of a military coup when General Oviedo objected to his sacking and started getting ambitious. Widespread protests on the streets in favour of democracy resulted, and Ovideo backed down. Unfortunately, in 1999 he was back. The vice-President Dr. Luis Maria Argaña was assassinated with the prime suspects being Oviedo and the President, Raúl Cubas. Cubas was ousted in a Congressional coup and fled the country along with Oviedo.
In nearly 200 years of existance Paraguay has lurched from one dictatorship to another. Only one democratic leader has served a full term, the Colorados still hold power and the military is still primed and ready to attack internal opponents. Have you booked your holiday yet?
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