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The Tories, Britain's Conservative Party, have traditionally been the bastion of right-wing politics in drizzly old Britain. It used to be a sort of musty and mildewed conservatism, all knotted up in the class structure and concepts of how the world would be a better place if everyone just jolly well knew their place and behaved themselves. It was spiritually akin to a damp old tartan travel blanket that smells of biscuits.
The trouble was that once that had been blown away by the abrupt lurch to Thatcherism, they lost the plot. They've been wobbling across the political spectrum like a drunk toddler in platforms ever since. Under Major (who started as Thatcher's darling but ended up on the left of the party) the pro-EU stance caused massive divisions between left and right wings that resulted in them finally losing power in a crushing defeat.
William Hague then attempted to make headway against an overwhelming Labour majority by going for single anti-EU issues. This meant that the Tories became almost entirely defined by the issue that was still causing the biggest divisions within the party- a bit like a "Miss World" contestant happily showing the cameras her weeping herpes lesions. It really didn't help that Hague, lacking Major's debating skills (despite his image as a wimp, Major was a formidable Parliamentary infighter), attempted to adopt a bluff and hearty "common-sense-man-of-the-people" that left him displaying all the charm of a verrucca. Result? Another landslide victory for Labour.
Next, Iain Duncan Smith took over. For a bizarre few months it looked like the Tories were turning into the Labour Party, as they attempted to botch together a cuddly and caring image. This was in spite of the fact that IDS was a noted hard-right pro-Thatcherite, as were most of his power-base? Did it work?
Did it ****.
So then they tried "Stealth politics". This appeared to consist of keeping as low a profile as possible, in the hope that the Labour Party would join the KKK en masse, or that Blair would announce that he really fancied the idea of skull-****ing orphans. I have never known a major opposition party become so anonymous- in contrast the Liberals started resembling media whores on Angel Dust.
Now they're attempting to lurch back to the right. Unfortunately, it's all going horribly wrong.
Put bluntly, the Tories have always been the party of schemers and plotters. They've tended to shy away from open conflict of the type that used to tear Labour apart, and have instead gone in for Macchiavellian smear tactics behind closed doors. In the absence of any clear direction, they're tearing themselves apart. Here are the key figures.
Iain Duncan Smith
Odd, Buddha-esque little man who would fade into the background even if he stripped bollock-naked and tied flashing neon lights to his tackle. Like his predecessor, William Hague, IDS was chiefly elected because of one key factor- he wasn't Ken Clarke. Hard-right by nature, he appears to have nowhere near the levels of charm and character to win over the unconvinced- he's hopelessly uncharismatic. He's also been too inconsistent to persuade the purists. Unelectable to anyone valuing consistency and/or strong leadership.
Ken Clarke
Rumpled and wrinkly buffer, like your disreputable uncle who used to get bladdered on sherry and try to look up your sister's skirt. Steadfastly championing the pro-Europe left wing of the party since Major's days, which means that to many of the Tories he is the seed of the devil. Highly influential, and charismatic with it, but any Tory party with him in charge would instantly split in two. Unelectable to anyone holding the traditional Tory views that "Europe" is a euphemism for "Sausage-eating Commie perverts".
Michael Portillo
Ludicrous, quiffy-haired and rubber-lipped clown, noted for his towering vanity. Imagine a cross between Mick Jagger and Mussolini and you're getting close. Unashamed political whore who would happily sell Britain's entire population of under-5's to vivisectionists if he thought it would get him a shot at the PM's job. Missed out on the leadership race in 1997 because he'd lost his seat (Ha ha ha), lost in the 2001 challenge because everybody hated him (Ha ha ha). Is now putting the boots into IDS in the hope of (bizarrely) becoming deputy leader under Clarke. Unelectable to any "traditional family values" Tories who object to the fact that he used to touch other men's bottoms. Everyone hates him.
Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit
Nasty old coffin-dodgers. Both occasionally removed from their vats of formaldehyde to noisily suggest that whoever the Tories have as leader would be a disaster and that we might as well start building statues of Lenin around the country. Unelectable to anyone with a memory.
So where does that leave them? Blair is more vulnerable now than he's ever been, but just at the point where they should be attacking him, they're fighting each other. They're also cursing the fact that to attack Blair's pro-war stance to capitalise on the dissenter's votes would probably result in Thatcher or Tebbit calling them a big bunch of poofters.
Right now, the Tories are a joke. It's hilarious. If there is a God, he must really hate them, and he's laughing his arse off. There's a chance that at the next election they'll lose even more ground and fall to third place. It's poor form to gloat, but I'm afraid I can't resist it.
Hee, hee. Gloat, gloat, gloat.
The trouble was that once that had been blown away by the abrupt lurch to Thatcherism, they lost the plot. They've been wobbling across the political spectrum like a drunk toddler in platforms ever since. Under Major (who started as Thatcher's darling but ended up on the left of the party) the pro-EU stance caused massive divisions between left and right wings that resulted in them finally losing power in a crushing defeat.
William Hague then attempted to make headway against an overwhelming Labour majority by going for single anti-EU issues. This meant that the Tories became almost entirely defined by the issue that was still causing the biggest divisions within the party- a bit like a "Miss World" contestant happily showing the cameras her weeping herpes lesions. It really didn't help that Hague, lacking Major's debating skills (despite his image as a wimp, Major was a formidable Parliamentary infighter), attempted to adopt a bluff and hearty "common-sense-man-of-the-people" that left him displaying all the charm of a verrucca. Result? Another landslide victory for Labour.
Next, Iain Duncan Smith took over. For a bizarre few months it looked like the Tories were turning into the Labour Party, as they attempted to botch together a cuddly and caring image. This was in spite of the fact that IDS was a noted hard-right pro-Thatcherite, as were most of his power-base? Did it work?
Did it ****.
So then they tried "Stealth politics". This appeared to consist of keeping as low a profile as possible, in the hope that the Labour Party would join the KKK en masse, or that Blair would announce that he really fancied the idea of skull-****ing orphans. I have never known a major opposition party become so anonymous- in contrast the Liberals started resembling media whores on Angel Dust.
Now they're attempting to lurch back to the right. Unfortunately, it's all going horribly wrong.
Put bluntly, the Tories have always been the party of schemers and plotters. They've tended to shy away from open conflict of the type that used to tear Labour apart, and have instead gone in for Macchiavellian smear tactics behind closed doors. In the absence of any clear direction, they're tearing themselves apart. Here are the key figures.
Iain Duncan Smith
Odd, Buddha-esque little man who would fade into the background even if he stripped bollock-naked and tied flashing neon lights to his tackle. Like his predecessor, William Hague, IDS was chiefly elected because of one key factor- he wasn't Ken Clarke. Hard-right by nature, he appears to have nowhere near the levels of charm and character to win over the unconvinced- he's hopelessly uncharismatic. He's also been too inconsistent to persuade the purists. Unelectable to anyone valuing consistency and/or strong leadership.
Ken Clarke
Rumpled and wrinkly buffer, like your disreputable uncle who used to get bladdered on sherry and try to look up your sister's skirt. Steadfastly championing the pro-Europe left wing of the party since Major's days, which means that to many of the Tories he is the seed of the devil. Highly influential, and charismatic with it, but any Tory party with him in charge would instantly split in two. Unelectable to anyone holding the traditional Tory views that "Europe" is a euphemism for "Sausage-eating Commie perverts".
Michael Portillo
Ludicrous, quiffy-haired and rubber-lipped clown, noted for his towering vanity. Imagine a cross between Mick Jagger and Mussolini and you're getting close. Unashamed political whore who would happily sell Britain's entire population of under-5's to vivisectionists if he thought it would get him a shot at the PM's job. Missed out on the leadership race in 1997 because he'd lost his seat (Ha ha ha), lost in the 2001 challenge because everybody hated him (Ha ha ha). Is now putting the boots into IDS in the hope of (bizarrely) becoming deputy leader under Clarke. Unelectable to any "traditional family values" Tories who object to the fact that he used to touch other men's bottoms. Everyone hates him.
Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit
Nasty old coffin-dodgers. Both occasionally removed from their vats of formaldehyde to noisily suggest that whoever the Tories have as leader would be a disaster and that we might as well start building statues of Lenin around the country. Unelectable to anyone with a memory.
So where does that leave them? Blair is more vulnerable now than he's ever been, but just at the point where they should be attacking him, they're fighting each other. They're also cursing the fact that to attack Blair's pro-war stance to capitalise on the dissenter's votes would probably result in Thatcher or Tebbit calling them a big bunch of poofters.
Right now, the Tories are a joke. It's hilarious. If there is a God, he must really hate them, and he's laughing his arse off. There's a chance that at the next election they'll lose even more ground and fall to third place. It's poor form to gloat, but I'm afraid I can't resist it.
Hee, hee. Gloat, gloat, gloat.
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