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Best ways to scare the **** out of your daughter's waiting date(s)
Hopefully if you're successful it will stay at singular rather than plural for quite a while, no??? So - what tips have you crazy old men to give to the up and coming parents of this Jesus Christ's third millenium? So far I vividly remember the below even from 5 years ago:
1 - Shake his hand not too tightly, but strong enough to border uncomfortable. This will have him wondering whether you're simply a sort of friendly eccentric - or planning to dose 6 gallons of kerosene and a lit match upon his timid sitting in your favorite archiebunker chair.
2 - Smile warmly and sincerely, until he does so in return. Then hold the smile at an akward length and throw in a few erratic twitches of the left eye.
3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.
4 - Your collection of records is a good way to break the ice - kids these days do know who the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or even Ziggy Stardust (were). After which - Your collection of .50 calibre softhead bullets and "School of the Americas" themed Desert Eagle silencers, is the logical progression.
5 - The word "testicle" can never be used too often in conjunction with "axe", "crushed", "tribal stew" or "bunny muffin".
Additions? I might send this out as a "FORWARD 2 UR 8 BEST FREENDS IN MALAYSIA PROPER FOR GOOD LUCK AND BONZAI KITTEN" mass e-mail with your names accompanying the contributions!
1 - Shake his hand not too tightly, but strong enough to border uncomfortable. This will have him wondering whether you're simply a sort of friendly eccentric - or planning to dose 6 gallons of kerosene and a lit match upon his timid sitting in your favorite archiebunker chair.
2 - Smile warmly and sincerely, until he does so in return. Then hold the smile at an akward length and throw in a few erratic twitches of the left eye.
3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.
4 - Your collection of records is a good way to break the ice - kids these days do know who the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or even Ziggy Stardust (were). After which - Your collection of .50 calibre softhead bullets and "School of the Americas" themed Desert Eagle silencers, is the logical progression.
5 - The word "testicle" can never be used too often in conjunction with "axe", "crushed", "tribal stew" or "bunny muffin".
Additions? I might send this out as a "FORWARD 2 UR 8 BEST FREENDS IN MALAYSIA PROPER FOR GOOD LUCK AND BONZAI KITTEN" mass e-mail with your names accompanying the contributions!
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