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In the course of my entertainment for this evening, I have discovered a cosmic truth of mind-numbing significance:
ETHANOL HAS THE POWER TO ALTER THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.
With only a few glasses of wine, the crude shackles of inertia and gravity are loosed from our arms. Move your head but an inch, and your brain will experience the sort of acceleration usually associated with the Indianapolis 500, and at the same time, you will feel only the gentle deceleration of an ordinary red-light intersection when said movement ceases. A simple compound of ethyl alcohol and scopalamine patches might conceivably enable a human being to endure the kind of rapid pressure increases that normally result in instant death. An unfortunate side effect is that you cannot control anything worth jack, so all transports will still require robotic remote controls for the duration of flight. But, given a critical mass of aspirin and hot-water bottles upon landing, the astronauts of the future might nearly touch the speed of light!
Unfortunately, this also means that there will never be Irishmen in outer space, as the amount of human "fuel" required for an entity of such formidable tolerance would far exceed the amount of mass allowed by efficient flight plans. But this way, at least the British can take off, and let those indomitable celts have the whole planet.
But this is not all. I have also uncovered a critical failure of the American justice system. For nearly fifty years, it has been common law among our courts that you cannot make anything "separate but equal." But look in any schoolroom today, and what do you see but quack science teachers, with their "fractions," trying to undermine everything our country holds dear? One half! One Third! One Fifth! Since time out of memory, they have thwarted our way of life with unfair segregation of formerly unified metaphysical quantities. End it now! Vote NO on fractions today!
Alcohol: for a kinder, more sparsely populated future with a greatly enhanced appreciation of the greatest hits of Cream. All together now,
Her name is Aphrodite,
and she rides a crimson shell,
and you know you cannot leave her,
for you touched the distant sands,
with Tales of Brave Ulysses,
How his naked ears were tortured
by the sirens sweetly singiiiiiiiiing.....
ETHANOL HAS THE POWER TO ALTER THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.
With only a few glasses of wine, the crude shackles of inertia and gravity are loosed from our arms. Move your head but an inch, and your brain will experience the sort of acceleration usually associated with the Indianapolis 500, and at the same time, you will feel only the gentle deceleration of an ordinary red-light intersection when said movement ceases. A simple compound of ethyl alcohol and scopalamine patches might conceivably enable a human being to endure the kind of rapid pressure increases that normally result in instant death. An unfortunate side effect is that you cannot control anything worth jack, so all transports will still require robotic remote controls for the duration of flight. But, given a critical mass of aspirin and hot-water bottles upon landing, the astronauts of the future might nearly touch the speed of light!
Unfortunately, this also means that there will never be Irishmen in outer space, as the amount of human "fuel" required for an entity of such formidable tolerance would far exceed the amount of mass allowed by efficient flight plans. But this way, at least the British can take off, and let those indomitable celts have the whole planet.
But this is not all. I have also uncovered a critical failure of the American justice system. For nearly fifty years, it has been common law among our courts that you cannot make anything "separate but equal." But look in any schoolroom today, and what do you see but quack science teachers, with their "fractions," trying to undermine everything our country holds dear? One half! One Third! One Fifth! Since time out of memory, they have thwarted our way of life with unfair segregation of formerly unified metaphysical quantities. End it now! Vote NO on fractions today!
Alcohol: for a kinder, more sparsely populated future with a greatly enhanced appreciation of the greatest hits of Cream. All together now,
Her name is Aphrodite,
and she rides a crimson shell,
and you know you cannot leave her,
for you touched the distant sands,
with Tales of Brave Ulysses,
How his naked ears were tortured
by the sirens sweetly singiiiiiiiiing.....
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