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**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:32

This one made me laugh too:

"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians
(INDUCTING A GAY BISHOP) are an affront to Christians everywhere.
I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII,
and his wife Catherine of Aragon,
and his wife Anne Boleyn,
and his wife Jane Seymour,
and his wife Anne of Cleves,
and his wife Katherine Howard,
and his wife Catherine Parr
are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian
marriages. "

As did this:

Attached Files

**Bereta_Eder** · December 3, 2003, 19:32

@ the pic

**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:35

How about this:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business ... "

" ... Now give me back my dog."

Or this:

Attached Files

**Pekka** · December 3, 2003, 19:37

at the last picture

**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:37

Am looking to sell a digital camera. I no longer need it, as I am in
the hospital. Attached is the last photo I took so you can see the
picture quality

Attached Files

**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:40

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My

elbow hurts terribly.? I guess I had better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just

give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to

do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.... heck of a lot

cheaper than a doctor!" So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and

took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer
lit

up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel

and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,

stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped
some

oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited

ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.

The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs rings.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Or this one:

Attached Files

**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:42

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fraecknig amzanig huh?

Last pic:

Attached Files

**Verto** · December 3, 2003, 19:42

This isn't humor!

True humor involves the French, and how cowardly they are!

**Asmodean** · December 3, 2003, 19:47

NIGHTMARE #1:
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the
top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired
nervously. No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation."

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of
a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep
in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded
to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently
squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with
ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She
said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna
see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine
if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so
much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you
can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy
voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do
it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Asmodean

**Verto** · December 3, 2003, 19:49

Those bring back memories...

**Whaleboy** · December 3, 2003, 20:05

Theres two gay men having sex in their apartment. The "active" guy finishes and withdraws, and says to his partner:

"I'm going out to get a Chinese, I'll be back in 15 minutes, while I'm gone, no masturbating."

So he goes out and 15 minutes later he comes back with a Chinese. Opens the door and finds the entire apartment covered in semen. Everything, the walls, floor, furniture, ceiling, its like something out of a dutch Christmas card. After looking around in disgust, the guy that just got back says:

"I thought I told you no masturbating?"

The other guy says:

"I didn't, I farted".

**Verto** · December 3, 2003, 20:08

**orange** · December 3, 2003, 20:15

to the last one!!!

**General Ludd** · December 3, 2003, 20:17

You made the texan sick.

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