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So I'm basically in love with my bestfriend. Recently I've had very powerful impulses to hold her and kiss her. Thankfully I'm a smart man. I know that for one, I have no idea if she would want that, and two, she's ****ed in the head when it comes to physical intimacy, so wouldn't be comfortable with it even if she did want it.
Instead I decided to have a conversation with her. One of the things that makes our friendship so good is that we communicate perfectly. We never hide anything from each other, always share everything, and there are never really awkward moments; there's no tension between us, ever.
We had a long and open dialogue that lasted the majority of the day and ranged far and wide. Of course, there being no tension, this incredibly serious conversation was still interspersed with the random bits of childish laughter that fill all of our converaations. I winded my way towards sensitive subjects, often going off on tangents before I got to the actual topic, and every time she knew well before I made my point what my point was, because that's just how we work.
What it all boils down to is that a part of her is attracted to me. A part of her wants the same things that I do, wants to kiss me, wants to be more intimate with me. A few days ago she dreamt that I had kissed her and it seemed so natural within the dream. Another part of her, a larger part, wonders just why the hell we're not together. Both of us acknowledge that we've never had a better relationship with any other person in our entire lives. She almost views us being romantically involved as simply the next step in our relationship, as a natural, logical progression of who we are. It just seems so right, she said.
And then there's another part of her. And this is the largest part of her. This is the part that is currently controlling her actions. This is the part that recognizes that all but one of her previous romantic relationships have ended catastrophically and traumatically. She is absolutely mortified of having a romantic relationship. The last one, which was rather short, ended very badly, and put her over the edge, as she said. She made someone literally hate her, and she wasn't even trying to. She was trying to make things good. ****ed it up in the process.
It's going to take her a long time to sort out and deal with all the issues that have pretty much ruined her love life. She doesn't know if she'll ever be over these things.
So she doesn't want to have anything to do with romance.
She doesn't want anything romantic with me.
And I shouldn't hold my breath, because she may never be okay with these things. I'm not just waiting for her to be healthy again.
Both of us know that there is something so good and wonderful here, and that it's just within our grasp.
But we can't have it.
Yah, **** you too, God.
Instead I decided to have a conversation with her. One of the things that makes our friendship so good is that we communicate perfectly. We never hide anything from each other, always share everything, and there are never really awkward moments; there's no tension between us, ever.
We had a long and open dialogue that lasted the majority of the day and ranged far and wide. Of course, there being no tension, this incredibly serious conversation was still interspersed with the random bits of childish laughter that fill all of our converaations. I winded my way towards sensitive subjects, often going off on tangents before I got to the actual topic, and every time she knew well before I made my point what my point was, because that's just how we work.
What it all boils down to is that a part of her is attracted to me. A part of her wants the same things that I do, wants to kiss me, wants to be more intimate with me. A few days ago she dreamt that I had kissed her and it seemed so natural within the dream. Another part of her, a larger part, wonders just why the hell we're not together. Both of us acknowledge that we've never had a better relationship with any other person in our entire lives. She almost views us being romantically involved as simply the next step in our relationship, as a natural, logical progression of who we are. It just seems so right, she said.
And then there's another part of her. And this is the largest part of her. This is the part that is currently controlling her actions. This is the part that recognizes that all but one of her previous romantic relationships have ended catastrophically and traumatically. She is absolutely mortified of having a romantic relationship. The last one, which was rather short, ended very badly, and put her over the edge, as she said. She made someone literally hate her, and she wasn't even trying to. She was trying to make things good. ****ed it up in the process.
It's going to take her a long time to sort out and deal with all the issues that have pretty much ruined her love life. She doesn't know if she'll ever be over these things.
So she doesn't want to have anything to do with romance.
She doesn't want anything romantic with me.
And I shouldn't hold my breath, because she may never be okay with these things. I'm not just waiting for her to be healthy again.
Both of us know that there is something so good and wonderful here, and that it's just within our grasp.
But we can't have it.
Yah, **** you too, God.
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