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I Hear America Calling (Dave Barry)

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  • I Hear America Calling (Dave Barry)

    From the Sunday Washington Post:

    I Hear America Calling
    Telemarketers can dish it out, but apparently they can't take it

    By Dave Barry

    Sunday, October 12, 2003; Page W40


    I've been writing columns for a long time now, two or three centuries at least. I've written on topics that touched a nerve among you readers -- the moronic-TV-commercials nerve, the loud-cell-phone-talkers nerve, and of course the low-flow-toilet nerve. I even touched -- and I regret this deeply -- the Barry Manilow nerve.

    But I've never touched a nerve like the one I touched when I wrote about telemarketers.

    To review: Recently, I wrote a column about the National Do Not Call Registry, which allows you to go to an Internet site (www.donotcall.gov) and register your phone number. The plan is that most telemarketers would then be prohibited from calling you.

    The Do Not Call Registry is wildly popular with the human public. More than 50 million households have signed up. This displeases the telemarketing industry, which believes it has a constitutional right to call people who do not want to be called. Several telemarketing groups have filed lawsuits to block the registry.

    So in my column, I printed the toll-free telephone number of one of these groups, the American Teleservices Association. My thinking was:

    Hey, if the ATA feels its members have a constitutional right to call you, then surely the ATA feels that you have an equally constitutional right to call the ATA.

    Well.

    It turned out that a lot of you were eager to call up the telemarketing industry. Thousands and thousands of you called the ATA. I found out about this when I saw an article in a direct-marketing newspaper, DM News, which quoted the executive director of the ATA, Tim Searcy. Here's an excerpt from the article:

    "The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him, Searcy said . . . The Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA, Searcy said. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages."

    That's correct: The ATA received no warning that it was going to get unwanted calls! Not only that, but these unwanted calls were an inconvenience for the ATA, and wasted the ATA's time!

    I just hope nobody interrupted the ATA's dinner.

    Anyway, you can imagine how I felt. I would have called the ATA myself to express my feelings, but the ATA finally had to disconnect its phone number. Really.

    I myself received approximately 7 billion phone calls, letters and e-mails on this topic. About 99 percent came from consumers who are wildly enthusiastic about the idea of calling telemarketers. Many of these consumers wanted me to publish more telemarketers' numbers, including residential numbers. As one e-mailer put it: "I think we should call them at home and try to sell them the idea of not calling people at home."

    The other 1 percent of the response came from people in the telemarketing industry, who pointed out that I am evil vermin scum, and -- even worse -- a member of the news media. Their main arguments are that (a) telemarketers are hardworking people, and (b) if they're not allowed to call people who don't want to be called, telemarketing jobs could be lost, and the U.S. economy would suffer. Tim Searcy of the ATA was quoted in the Los Angeles Times as saying that the impact of the Do Not Call Registry would be (I did not make this quote up) "like an asteroid hitting the Earth." Yes. An asteroid!

    As I write these words, lawyers and politicians and lobbyists and judges are swarming all over the telemarketing issue, so I don't know what the legal status of the Do Not Call Registry will be when you read this column. But it appears that the telemarketers plan to continue their efforts to save the planet by fighting for the right to call people who do not want to be called.

    I realize that this makes many of you angry. I realize that many of you would like to, once again, let the telemarketers know how you feel. And I am, frankly, tempted to reveal to you here that the American Teleservices Association (www.ataconnect.org/) seems to have a phone line working (at least for now) at 317-816-9336.

    But would it be right to reveal this? I mean, yes, you could call the ATA again. But the ATA surely doesn't want you to call again. It's inconvenient!

    And to insist on calling somebody who doesn't want to be called, even if you have the legal right to call . . . well, that's just plain rude.

    So I am taking the high road.



    © 2003 The Washington Post Company

  • #2
    I think this is absolutely brilliant.

    Comment


    • #3
      *bump*

      Comment


      • #4
        Nice...
        Monkey!!!

        Comment


        • #5
          It'd be even better if they had an 800 number. Drive their phone bill off the wall

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          • #6
            awesome, man
            A lot of Republicans are not racist, but a lot of racists are Republican.

            Comment


            • #7
              I tried calling that number. It doesn't work.
              Try http://wordforge.net/index.php for discussion and debate.

              Comment


              • #8
                I would have called the ATA myself to express my feelings, but the ATA finally had to disconnect its phone number. Really.
                Monkey!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  some jobs will be lost.

                  some of you guys have to admit this.

                  But I have heard about a growing trend of door to door sales resurgence. I suspect many telemarketers will have to do that. Seeing as most telemarketers are fat and lazy- they could use the excersize of door to door sales

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                  • #10
                    Amusing.

                    I've seen the point made a couple of times now, and I don't know why it hasn't caught on: the people on the "do not call" list are extremely unlikely to buy stuff from telemarketers anyway. So they're not only wasting our time, but their own. This should actually HELP the industry, by eliminating people who aren't going to buy anyway. Like me.

                    -Arrian
                    grog want tank...Grog Want Tank... GROG WANT TANK!

                    The trick isn't to break some eggs to make an omelette, it's convincing the eggs to break themselves in order to aspire to omelettehood.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Considering that I have NEVER EVER purchased anything as a result of a telephone solicitation, you would think that the ATA would welcome the opportunity to take me off all of there lists. Calling me is a waste of resources, (even if it's just a few seconds on an auto dialer). I would have to assume that most of the other 50 million are similar. This should be a money saver for the industry. Let them concentrate on the other 150 million that are too dumb to put themselves on the do not call list. I'm sure their sales per hour will go up.

                      RAH
                      Darn Arrian beat me to it.
                      Yes it may mean a few less workers but those remaining should have a higher sales rate.
                      It's almost as if all his overconfident, absolutist assertions were spoonfed to him by a trusted website or subreddit. Sheeple
                      RIP Tony Bogey & Baron O

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Actually, it's 50 million households IIRC. Which means that roughly half of the families in the US have signed up.

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                        • #13
                          then let them concentrate on the 50 million households without intelligent life.
                          B♭3

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                          • #14
                            I think their former number was a 1-800, Sky. That was probably additional incentive for them to shut it down.

                            And I think the irritation of the telemarketers is based on the fact that a large part of what keeps their sales profitable isn't people who really want what they're hocking, it's the people who don't know how to say no, often wind up buying the crap to avoid hanging up on the caller, and have put themselves on the list to avoid the situation altogether. Like with Spam, there's a certain sucker-to-rejection ratio that needs to be met for their solicitation to be profitable, but for all sorts of reasons that ratio is MUCH higher for telephone sales. For one thing, almost nobody ever listens to automated sales, so most solicitations require live callers. It's also more expensive to make a phone call than to bulk e-mail. You can harass hundreds of people online for less than fifty cents. The only thing they have going for them is personal, voiced communication, which is much more persuasive than text.

                            Obviously that won't work if you keep them from even calling, and to make it worse they couldn't go underground like spammers could if an equivalent law were passed for e-mail, because offline business requires a physical counterpart larger than a database in an empty room somewhere. A lot easier to trace too.

                            Which is not to say that I don't applaud Barry wholeheartedly. Solicitors are annoying and provide no useful service for the human race. They aren't even pleasantly, aesthetically useless like artists. If I were him I'd get a bomb detector in my mailbox though. Publicly trying to ruin the livelihood of legalized con artists isn't what I'd call safe...
                            1011 1100
                            Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rah
                              Considering that I have NEVER EVER purchased anything as a result of a telephone solicitation, you would think that the ATA would welcome the opportunity to take me off all of there lists. Calling me is a waste of resources, (even if it's just a few seconds on an auto dialer). I would have to assume that most of the other 50 million are similar. This should be a money saver for the industry. Let them concentrate on the other 150 million that are too dumb to put themselves on the do not call list. I'm sure their sales per hour will go up.


                              Can you take me by the hand, and explain to me your paradox that putting my phone number on the "do not call" list will increase the number of telemarketers calling my number?

                              But I have not done that anyway -- but I'm not sure I understand your paradox.
                              A lot of Republicans are not racist, but a lot of racists are Republican.

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