I was a teenage engineering apocalypse

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Regular readers will have gathered by now that disasters and maimings are but a step away when I decide to do some of that "real man" stuff that involves manual labour. Today was certainly no exception- in terms of pain and physical peril it was a pretty good one.

On the face of it, this should have been simple. My alternator belt shredded while I was driving home on Friday- this is no great catastrophe as I'm fairly good with motors and have fixed things like this before. So yesterday I went out to buy a spare and fix it. So far, so good.

I became uneasy when I saw all they had was Unipart spares. I've had trouble with these before, as they're never quite right for the job- they're designed to suit botch jobs across as wide a range of cars as possible in the traditional engineering spirit of "**** it. That's close enough". Still, it was all they had, so I bought one and went for it. I guessed it would be on the tight side so I adjusted everything I could to get as much slack as possible and had my big screwdriver ready to crowbar the bugger into place.

First attempt at levering the belt over the wheels- I was attempting to ease it over with a pushing motion, putting my weight into it. Just as I felt sure it was going to work, the screwdriver tip sprung out of it's purchase and I fell forward. Damage? Two skinned knuckles, a healthy show of blood and lots of muffled cursing along the lines of "'king thing! F'king get over! Y' f'k!".

Second attempt was a carbon copy. Again I'm falling into the works, scagging the same bastard knuckles and bumping the bridge of my nose on the bonnet prop. Now the claret's really starting to drip, and my language is now unrestrained by thoughts of the feelings of my family or neighbours. The word "mother****er" gets used, as do many genital references.

Third try. Another slip, but this time no further injury. However I'm starting to get irrational, and that's not a good thing.

Fourth attempt. This was the good one. Now I've reversed the purchase of the screwdriver and I'm pulling it towards myself. This was intended to reduce the risk of further injury to myself, but what it actually achieved was to turn my car into a weapon. I'm not buggering about now- I'm really pulling back on the screwdriver in an attempt to stretch the belt into place. Then I lose my grip...

The principles of leverage, and the impressive levels of potential energy of the alternator belt under tension, do their thing. The released belt snaps forward like a bowstring and propel the screwdriver out of the engine bay. It's doing about 150 mph and rotating end-over-end like some sort of ninja ****ing death weapon. In fact it's just like a throwing knife, only propelled with a force no unaided human arm could achieve. It flew across the street (fortunately failing to impale any passing kids through the head) and slammed into a neighbour's front door.

Full comedy value would have been achieved by it sticking in point-first and quivering like one of Robin Hood's arrows, but it didn't. It just bounced off, gouging out a chunk of wood in the process. That was fun.

I phoned the RAC at this point and left it to the experts.

[Dis]

[spartak]

[FrustratedPoet]

:ninja:

[Az]

I do feel your pain, though. If you're not certain, leave it to the pros. I have the burns to prove it.

[DRoseDARs]

Ya' know, they make proper tools for this.

[DRoseDARs]

Screwdriver?

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Proper tools are for the weak. Real men use whatever they grab first, and hurt themselves.

[DRoseDARs]

Or impale themselves or others.

[Kuciwalker]

[Immortal Wombat]

If those damn kids come lazily past on their rollerblades, paying no attention as they roll down the middle of the road - one more time - as I'm reversing the car onto the drive, I might have to conduct some experiments on the propulsion of sharp implements and the consequential headwounds.

[Sikander]

I'm completely a puss when it comes to working on cars and carpentry. I have no experience and want none. For some reason I've always been leery of these fields of endeavor, and despite the slight downgrading of my value as a male that disinterest in tools and cars has, I'm pretty stubbornly happy to leave the skin on my knuckles intact.

Strangely I'm not afraid of hard physical labor of other sorts, like digging or hacking down weeds, or chopping down trees etc. My landscaping is getting pretty extensive, and everything beyond the clay in my yard has been done by me and a friend of mine. I've planted 9 trees, 20 rose bushes, 12 lilacs, 3 butterfly bushes, and laid in tons of stone in walkways, stairs and beds. But one look at a rusted on bolt on a car and I'm reaching for my wallet to pay a mechanic.

[Dis]

well I know most of the workings of my engine. I'm just lazy.

I'll do small stuff like hoses myself. those are easy.

But I just recently had my serpentine belt done. Though that was kind of expensive. It only took the guy 2 mintues to do. Though much of that cost might have been the belt itself.

[Pekka]

[mrmitchell]