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WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe blow Monday, when he was rejected by the newly created "Bride Of Ashcroft."
Unwrapped from bandages at a press conference, the ungodly Bride twitched grotesquely several times before turning to face her would-be mate. Reporters in attendance said the Bride recoiled upon setting her eyes on Ashcroft's horribly misshapen visage, letting out a blood-curdling scream.
"When the lovestruck Attorney General tried to embrace the Bride, she shunned him, just as the entire world has shunned him," CNN reporter William Hurlbut said. "It was truly tragic."
Unwrapped from bandages at a press conference, the ungodly Bride twitched grotesquely several times before turning to face her would-be mate. Reporters in attendance said the Bride recoiled upon setting her eyes on Ashcroft's horribly misshapen visage, letting out a blood-curdling scream.
"When the lovestruck Attorney General tried to embrace the Bride, she shunned him, just as the entire world has shunned him," CNN reporter William Hurlbut said. "It was truly tragic."
Since becoming Attorney General in January 2001, Ashcroft has placed a number of limits on civil liberties, restrictions which have earned him the enmity of the ACLU and other such organizations. Recently, however, Ashcroft has also begun to draw criticism from another sector: angry peasant villagers. Chasing him with pitchforks, torches, and dogs through the foggy streets of the nation's capital, irate mobs have emerged in recent weeks as a substantial obstacle to Ashcroft's plans.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!" said Ashcroft as he fled one recent mob, before disappearing into the night.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!" said Ashcroft as he fled one recent mob, before disappearing into the night.
Does not! That is scurilous, ban-bait rumor!
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