Yupo Frag and The Barn Burner versus Farmer John

[unscratchedfoot]

Yeah, this will be a hard fight by the looks of what's shaping up. French military production is estimated to be 12 times that of Prussia based on number of cities coupled with the Diety production discount. The Russians lost their whole field army in the massacre north of Paris, Spain is cooked, and all the other countries are locked in a senseless, unending free-for-all brawl so they are offering little if any assistance. Russia's also going at it with Turkey in a freshly reopened war and just made peace with Sweden. Sweden does nothing but revolve through a cycle of wars with everybody else and be a pest kinduv like a hornet buzzing around at a picnic waiting for the decisive swat. Prussia has no beef with Sweden but we did trade a little gunfire a while ago. The Turks still cannot overcome Austria despite plenty of assistance from Russia which took a break from fighting France for awhile to beat on the Austrians for fun and gobble up 3 of their dwindling cities. Anything is fun compared to scrapping with imperial guards who are way more stronger than everyone else, except maybe for British redcoats who are just wasting time doing parades in London. Austria reminds me of an HIV victim because of the way it is very slowly decaying away. They deserve it though for declaring war on Prussia for no reason, though a complete wash is not desirable.

This whole mess is not helped by the madness of the Barn Burner in control of the Prussians. Who knows when that looney might lead Prussia from peril to certain death by doing something as foolish as declaring war on Russia or something? No way. He wouldn't go that far would he? Or would he?

The next episode called 'Milk War' is still be prepared.

[unscratchedfoot]

Milk War



This is one of the farms blown to bits by Prussian artillery during the campaign against Orleans.

A farmer like myself could never raise a merry cheer in the company of a barn burner. There is nothing more despicable or insidious than a barn burning varmint, even if he claims to ensure there are no animals inside before starting the fire.
A quote from Farmer John during an interview he graciously allowed with The Scratching Post.

So far in Farmer's Operation Ulcer, up to 20 Prussian units were lost in the retreat to the protective fort of Nancy, for a paltry couple dozen or so French units dusted in return. It is still not certain whether the French will all head directly to Nancy to ground and pound it or just surround it, reduce terrain and kill all stragglers in a traditional siege deployment.

Now the leadership of both sides of this conflict are becoming very excited, and not surprisingly, mudslinging is also part of the package. Since ancient times before big battles, a spokesperson from each side would holler out slighting remarks at the other from just out of stone-slinging range. In this era of gunfire there is no such safe range from which to apply the remarks so some telegrams are exchanged in a kind of modern style prebattle insult exchange.

Telegram from Yupo Dairy Farms owner and president Farmer John to Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot


Dear Barn Burning Varmint,

During your highly illegal campaign against Orleans, I watched for several days as your artillery yahoos blew craters in my fields, blasted apart corals forcing my dairy cows to escape in fright, burned my barns, singed my sheep, and destroyed irrigation lines and roads. My world class prized cattle were rustled by country folks made hungry by the war. We will be keeping all this mind during Operation Ulcer and will exact full justice for these injustices.


These are some of the missing cows. Please report any sightings of them to Yupo Dairy Farms or telegram tips to FindMyCows@farmmail.

The people responsible for stealing my cows are being hunted down now by police guard units but we are having trouble finding any evidence so anyone who looks well fed gets arrested. If any innocent people are caught up in this affair, Unscratchedfoot, you will be held responsible for the hardship they go through.

Your 'honorable treatment' of our captured generals including force feeding long dead oppossums and then half-boiling the brave fellows is well known among our people. We are preparing a similar treatment for you Barn Burner upon your capture. You will be given a tour of my milk farm including an in-the-milk experience of what its like to be pasteurized. Look forward to it.

Once we have liberated Nancy from your oppression, then Operation Milky Way will start which is the final march on Berlin and subjugation of the Prussian people. Your people will be put in chains and forced at bayonet point to repair all damage done to Yupo Farms and other French property. The Prussians will be milked for all they are worth, and trust me, I know how to milk!!



Sincerely going to pasteurize you,



Smudged,
Farmer John




Draft of Unscratchedfoot's telegram response to Farmer John

HA!!


Dear Farmer Dork

I see you are working on your ulcers again. Thank you for your telegram. It brought us all a good laugh here. It's nice that we leaders can engage in a gentlemen's conversation during such an ornery war. Perhaps you should reduce your intake of sour cream.

Right now we are enjoying a lovely barbeque. First of all and before any more innocent people are bullied by you, I better tell you that your big fat cows were taken away by us. Most of them are providing excellent milk for our womenfolk and children back at home and a few of the cows are being used for hamburger. Thank you for supplying our tasty barbeque tonight! As for your lost cows, all I can say is don't cry over spilt milk big boy.

What a coincidence that you named your fantasy campaign against Berlin as 'Operation Milky Way' because we are making preparations for a real campaign called 'Operation Curdled Milk' which is the Prussian takeover of Paris and your beloved Arc de Triomphe. Many an imperial guard is going to suffer trauma in the process; we just need to figure out how to make it happen. We will find a way! Please see to it that your women and pets are brought indoors for their own good when our boys arrive to carry out their rampage.

As for your childish dream of milking our people, I assure you that you will kick the bucket long before a single drop of milk arrives in it.

Good luck to you Farmer Idiot. You will need it.

Sincerely looking forward to being pasteurized,



Scribbled,
King (NOT Barn Burner!) Unscratchedfoot

[KuriousK724]

does the barnburner actually have the strength to muster an attack force? keep the goods coming!

[vovan]

Let's see the King find a way to march to Paris then.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

lovely stuff Scratchy simply lovely

[Kaos XIII]

Good stuff!

This is very entertaining and very funny!

Keep it up, you're on a roll!

[unscratchedfoot]

I made a few changes to the graphics including:
1) thinner, less imposing roads
2) lighter colored partisans
3) new and far better graphics for the legonarii gladiators (from the Circus Maximus) which you can see in a picture later.

There's a new character introduced named Bruce but when I tried to get a picture of him for the story, my screen capture program decided to go wacky.

The warfare record stats you will see in the story, for example 2-0-2, refer to CitiesTakenFromEnemies-HomeCitiesLost-EnemyCitiesRazed.

The title for this chapter is not cool. Its getting hot and humid now so its not a good season for the making of titles.


Nancy Gets Naked


One of the highest bodycount fights in history is about to begin. And such a fight should not properly pass without a deserving introduction. At least the British don't think so, and accordingly, an announcer and referree are sent under a neutral white flag to manage the scrap. Thousands of civilians tag along with them to watch the happenings, despite the high risk of being hit by stray gunfire. Also scrambling to prepare themselves are a line of moderately well acclaimed artists (but not so highly acclaimed that they are not expendable) who will record key moments of the battle on canvas with oil paints for the enjoyment and education of citizens back in their respective nations.

On a hill overlooking the battlefield north of Nancy, the announcement team and artists set up shop. The first to speak is a man named Bruce Buffer who has a voice to make any megaphone jealous. And at his side is none other than the legendary Sherriff of Nottingham himself, the popular referree of the underground Nottingham pit fight arena, who has been appointed to referree this war.


The Sherriff of Nottingham gets psyched to ref a pit fight in this picture.

The armies on all sides including the Russians, the Prussians and of course the French, all stand down from the fighting momentarily to allow the announcement. Bruce's voice is so loud that when he starts to speak, many of those listening wonder if the fighting hadnt've halted, could the sounds of muskets and cannon even be heard over him.

So Bruce begins...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this battle is sanctioned by the City of Nancy board of councillors, with Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot, Emperor Napolean Bonaparte and Emperor Alexander I as commissioners. The fourth party on the battlefield is The Sherriff of Nottingham who will be the referree when the action begins. This battle is sponsored by Yupo Dairy Farms... MILK!! LIKE IT OUGHTA BE!!!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaannnnd nowwwwwww... its time.... for the main event of the war." At his point both the combatants and audience start cheering and getting rowdy. "This fight is scheduled to last at least 12 rounds and will decide the ultimate master of greater Europe. Introducing first the fighters to the north standing in the green corner and fighting out of Brussels. Weighing in at 50 or more units in the Brussels area, they are seasoned veterans of battling against a coaltion of 7 nations, survivors of fighting off all the best of today's militaries and still adding to their empire at the expense of their enemies with a musket age warfare record of 11-1-0. Please welcome the rock solid challenger Rrrrrrrrusssssssssiaaaaaaaa!!"

When the cheering slackens off a little, Bruce continues. "And introducing the fighters to the east standing in the dark blue corner and fighting out of Nancy. Weighing in at 38 units ready in Nancy, they are new to the war and having it out nicely with France. They are lead by the wacky and unpredictable Barn Burner and have an unproven musket age record of 1-0-0. Please welcome the most dangerous nation in the world... Prrrrrruuuusssssia!"

"And their opponents to the west standing in the light blue corner fighting out of Paris. Weighing in with at least 200 units around Nancy, they are the most highly trained, well-equipped and experienced troops of any nation, with a musket age record of 16-4-3 and controlling the territory of 4 other nations including Portugal, Spain, Netherlands and Naples. Please welcome the current champion nation of Europe... Frrrrrrrrrrrannnnnnnnnce!"

Then the Sherriff of Nottingham steps forward looking all mean and psyched-up. Farmer John, Commander Tito and Unscratchedfoot approach the referree to hear his final words. The big Sherriff looks back and forth at the combatants and growls out, "Alright, I've given you instructions in your field headquarters. When I ask you if you're ready you give me the signal and I'll tell you to get it on. Do I have any questions from the challenger? Do I have any questions from the champion? Do I have any questions from the barn burner? Fight hard, fight clean. Let's get back to your positions."

The commanders get on their horses and gallop back to their field headquarters safely behind their armies who are waiting to fight. The Sherriff looks around a bit more to make sure the mood is right and then he bawls out while gestering at each party, "Here we go, here we go! Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready?" All 3 signal affirmatively. Then the Sherriff swoops his arm down.

Let's get it on!!! C'mon!!

Thunder on a sunny day. Thousands and yet more thousands of guns all unload at the same time. Almost immediately come strange sounds from among the civilian spectators accompanying the announcers. Fwup! Thook! Whop! and some screams to go with them. They are most probably taking musket shots, possibly stray or not, but the audience doesn't mind. They know and appreciate the risk they are taking to watch such a fight and so they go on cheering and yelling out their support. One of the artists who is decorated in frilly French style garb lets out a shriek and he keels over into his canvas and paint knocking it all over and making a mess. An artist next to him stiffles a snicker. The snickerer is wearing a shirt with the words 'The Scratching Post' written on it. Another artist further down who has a Russian hat on is having trouble painting since a small calibre cannon ball has removed his right arm and made a splendid crimson display on his canvas. But no worries because there are plenty more artists to take up the slack and accidents are expected.

On the battlefield itself, it is hardly more safe. Formations of French imperial guards are blended into mush by a murderous Prussian cannonade and then frapped by musketfire. It is an ugly fight. It is a viscious fight. Russians along with their Danish volunteers scrap it out in the forests south of Brussels and mow each other down in fantastic numbers with the Russians taking the worst of it. The fighting just goes on and on like the never ending barking of a chained dog.

Huge numbers of French are cut down on the open cratered wheat fields and rolling hills around Nancy. Frustrated and unable to break the city's defenders even with elite imperial guard units, the French move some forces up to Frankfurt and catch Prussian reinforcements by surprise and shoot them to pieces.

Prussian Forces Massacred at Frankfurt and Belfort

About 10 fusilier regiments trying to reinforce Nancy are butchered south of Frankfurt in the hills and on the roads. After finishing messing them up, the French then rip up all the terrain enhancements including roads, irrigation and mines for the second time. Nancy is denuded.

If that wasn't enough, disaster strikes just north of the French city of Belfort. Elite Yupo Frag Charlie Company supported by Alpha Company performs a textbook ambush on what looks like a stack of wounded French regiments only to discover they are mostly relatively worthless workers. Charlie Company ends up severely wounded and out in the open fields of Belfort at the merciless mercy of the French. In a desperate attempt to save the highly valued unit, 5 regiments of fusiliers, the bulk of Nancy's defending reserves, are sent to protect and escort the partisan survivors back to safety. It is all for not and the fusiliers along with the partisans are slaughtered to the last man and even the field mistresses and dogs accompanying them are not spared. It is Prussia's darkest moment and Nancy is seriously short on defenders with both its reserves and reinforcements having gotten themselves all killed.


This painting shows the immediate aftermath of the Belfort massacre. There is much sadness. Note the Legonarii Gladiator unit to the west of Nancy which is part of the French forces having joined in the city of Rome. Legonarii Gladiators are gladiators who have won their right to join this special army corps through many arena victories. On the hill to the north of Belfort is Yupo Frag Alpha Company which is limping back to Nancy after just seeing their sister Charlie company massacred.


A great leader emerges!! The first one for Prussia. The commander of the secret service agent Axis Sally, named von Blucher, has taught the Prussians how to form larger armies to better fight against the evil French.


Sally von Blucher is the famed leader of the agent unit Axis Sally. Unfortunately, agent units do not join armies so she will sadly depart from her comrades to lead a new army made up of 3 elite cavalry units and named Panzergruppe Blucher.

von Blucher is originally from the Inca tribe in South America. Brought over to Europe as a slave, she worked in the fields first for the Portugese, then the conqueroring Spanish, followed by the French. Prussian forces liberated her from her forced labor job of milking cows for Yupo Dairy Farms. Though she admits she kinduv liked her job on the farm, she prefers to fight and train her body for scrapping. The Prussians liked her so much that they give her a Prussian name along with citizenship and she volunteered to join the Prussian army.

Sally went all the way in the Prussian military. Not satisfied just to be a soldier, she was fanatical about being the best and even feeded on various types of bovine glands to increase her strength. She out-trained just about all of her male counterparts in the military and never stopped till she dropped. That's how she qualified to lead Axis Sally which is feared for its gruelingly cruel training program.


West of Frankfurt, Panzergruppe Blucher mixes it up with the oncoming hoards of French and dishes out copious hurt upon them by preying mostly on guard units wounded from fighting the Russians and trying to retreat back to Paris. No mercy is afforded them.


The Prussian navy finally gets with the program and sends out 3 frigates and a troopship loaded with 5 fusilier regiments to aid the last Spanish city far, far to the south. It will take a really long time to get there so this package of help may well arrive too late. But we do our best to help our Spanish allies with the few troops we have available.


Twelve rounds of combat have passed. The war just goes on and on with no side gaining even the slightest advantage. In this painting the French are conducting a Hannibal-style attack upon Nancy. Two strong wings move up from the south and west while the area around Belfort is kept weak. This is an attempt to lure the Prussian defenders out of Nancy down to Belfort to be destroyed between the closing jaws of the wings. This excellent strategy used at Cannae by Hannibal is utter foolishness used in this situation because the Prussians have no more forces to send out to be trapped. The only result of this operation will be heaps of dead French along with a moderate number of Prussians going down with them. Nice one Farmer John.

On the scorecard, the French have lost upwards of 95 units to Prussian action in the last 12 rounds while the Prussians lost around 25 units. Up at Brussels, the Russians have lost about 65 units and the French another 50 or so. Danes supporting the Russians lost 4 units, French-allied Italians about 5 infantry, and the French-allied Spanish about a half dozen infantry and cavalry. These are only estimations as no actual scorecard was recorded during the battle but these numbers are believed to be fairly accurate.


This is Pachacuti Colla-Topa, a pal of Sally's from back in Inca land and liberated by the Prussians from the French. They are buddies from craft school. His name is interesting because Incan names are always given to children according to their deeds. In this case 'Pachacuti' was awarded him from when he helped a young girl who was injured when she fell from a banana tree and it derives from 'Patch a cutie' since the girl was very cute and needed wraps put on her injuries. 'Colla-Topa' refers to the long-lasting toe fungus he acquired from walking through the valley of Pomahuaman barefoot which is a well known no-no. The fungus looks like small, dark colored brocolli which grows between the victim's toes and defies all attempts to scrub it out.

Pachacuti is waiting for the completion of the Military Academy in Frankfurt where he will apply to lead a Prussian army. Of course he will have to pass all his courses at the top of his class to qualify, not an easy thing to do for a sufferer of colla-topa toe fungus.


**************************************

Sometimes I wonder about myself. Here I am trying to tell you about a war story and end up talking about Incan toe fungus.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

I dont see why you are wondering about yourself here Scratch, your obviously quite mad!!

Great stuff absolutely great

Keep it coming

[Paddy]

wow

bring it on matey

[unscratchedfoot]

This is Barn Burner Unscratchedfoot's field headquarters in the countryside near Nancy. The place regularly gets hosed down with musketfire and incendiaries by passing French cavalry but it gets repaired quickly. Much more time is spent by Unscratchedfoot and his favorite army officers playing board games and role playing games in the war room than actual military planning. Often the games go on all night until the sun starts to rise, signalling bedtime. Unscratchedfoot explains that these games improve the strategic and creative skills of the players.


The English get pernickedy about the small Prussian flotilla carrying the fusiliers around the UK down to relieve Spain. The happy chaps who have been our friends since the beginning of Napolean's adventures, waste no time in agreeing to sign a right of passage document.

Masters of the Game

With the Military Academy still under construction, applications are already being submitted by officers hoping to be appointed to lead the new armies being planned. The next army will be made up of 3 fusilier regiments, hopefully all elite although there are only 2 elite fusilier units in the Prussian armed forces at this time.

These fine gentlemen and ladies are the best officers Prussia has, the pride of the nation. Victory or defeat in the upcoming Operation Curdled Milk will depend on who is selected. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are now considering an amphibious invasion of Italy instead of marching on Paris. If Italy can be secured, Prussia can start receiving Italian infantry volunteers to help fight the French.

These are the applicants:


Pachacuti Colla-Topa

Mr. Toe Fungus has a record of leading 2 fusilier regiments to their doom. The last time was during the Belfort massacre. After all the men under Pachacuti's command were killed, he posed as a French laborer working to clear up the craters on the battlefield and the French troops actually believed him and went away. Pachacuti slipped back to Nancy and is now waiting to be assigned another fusilier regiment he will lead again to its inevitable doom. Although somewhat lacking in tactical leadership skills, he credits himself with having the bite of a crocodile which he makes frequent use of in fistfights with other officers.


Hank "Strongface" Stollock

This combat veteran is a living legend. His impressive record indicates that 5 fusilier and 2 currassier cavalry regiments have been smitten while under his command. He was there when the French first invaded Prussia and butchered Prussian infantry trying to hold Frankfurt territory. He was there when Prussian forces were cut down in heaps trying to take the city of Nancy from the French, and he was there when Prussian reinforcements were massacred between Frankfurt and Nancy in Operation Ulcer. In Stollock's first engagement of the war, his troops were completely wiped out as is usual for him and Stollock himself took a musketball to the mug. When French imperial guards approached Stollock who was lying on the ground bleeding from the face, they decided to finish off the unlucky officer by firing a couple more rounds into his face. Believing him to be quite dead after shooting him, the French strolled away to finish off other Prussian wounded lying about on the battlefield.

On the verge of dying, Stollock was rushed to Berlin to be attended by the best surgeons, the royal medical team itself which was normally reserved for handling potential wounds to royal family members in assassination attempts. In this unusual case, Unscratchedfoot ordered maximum medical care be given to Stollock because he was a critical player in the board games they liked to have in the evening. After months of rehab, the surgeons managed to put his face back together and once he was fully healed, he had the strongest face in the world. Since then, he regularly attends rodeos across the country where he lies down in the dust and a fully fattened wild bull stands on his face and jumps up and down using his face as a trampoline. The crowd loves it and women in particular go wild over his machoism. What he obviously lacks in charming handsome looks, he makes up for with facial integrity.

In Stollock's own gruff words, "The mark of a real officer with balls is one who can take a shot in the face and keep on with his work. The one who goes down screaming for a medic after taking only one shot is nothing but a girly sissy. It is absolutely true that having a strong face is the most important attribute an army general can have."


Mari-Cola

She is another of Sally von Blucher's friends. This gal is quite fond of her fashion and hairdo and has no experience whatsoever in military matters. Actually she screams when a musket is fired too close to her and she feels dizzy at the sight of blood. The only reason she is seriously being considered for the position of general is because the Joint Chiefs of Staff are competing for her 'favor' if you will. Sally also put in a good word for her.

Unfortunately for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mari-Cola says she already has her sights set on the man she loves, Pachacuti. In her own words, "I love a man with toe fungus. Pachacuti is so... so... organic. And having a good bite just makes him an alround adorable hunk."


"Swizzle Sticks" Burt and Ernie

This giggly, bubbling pair is an unusually close couple who are never separated. We'll leave the relationship status of them at that and have a look at their record instead. They have yet to lead any units or take any military training but they say they have a very good reason to be selected. Apparently they are both highly acclaimed religious writers and nude art makers who specialize in child pornography. They claim all their work is done with live models and were therefore arrested for having a lengthy pedophile record. Their punishment was severe. Only the threat of a revolt by the public stopped the Swizzel Sticks from being exterminated. Having finally finished their sentences, they hope to become generals to start a fresh new career. In short, they need a job.



Frank "Shoe Sniffer" Piper

This man is an expert in military strategy and has proven himself time and again during war games at Unscratchedfoot's countryside headquarters. Although he has never actually led any real military units in combat, there is a lot of confidence in his tactical and strategic planning abilities. He also is a world class wrestler and kick boxer who sometimes travels to Nottingham to participate in the underground pit fights. Those are his good points.

One evening, during a break from a war game at headquarters, Hank Stollock went for a pee and when he was walking to the john, he noticed Frank at the front door where he was kneeling down and holding a shoe up to his nose. Hank is positive that Frank was smelling the shoe. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that Hank was losing badly in a game of Axis & Allies against Frank. You see, Unscratchedfoot does not allow shoes to be worn in the richly carpeted headquarters as well as no alcohol is permitted on the premises. Frank defended himself by explaining that he had lost a contact lens and was looking through the shoes to see which one the lens had dropped into. The story, well... Hank's version of it, was published on the front page of The Stratching Post. To this day, the debate continues, but Frank has been branded as an official 'shoe sniffer'.

In the picture above, at a army convention banquet for all officers and commanders of the military as well as their families, Frank is looking at the children's play area where they must take off their shoes to enter. Frank's nose is twitching a little. At the entrance where the shoes are left is a round sign which shows a red circle with a painting of Frank in it and a red line cutting diagonally across his portrait. A pair of armed guards is posted on each side of the shoes and they seem to be regularly looking over in Frank's direction.

A Referendum!

With such high quality applicants like these, it is very difficult for the Military Academy to select the next general to lead the fusilier army. Please vote! All you have to do is say which one should be the leader and explain why you think so. You may also indicate a runner up choice as well if you want to.

The future of Prussia depends on your decision people. Please make a wise choice and do not abstain from voting.

[vovan]

I vote Mr. Shoesniffer. Despite the disgusting political stunt that was played to discredit him in the eyes of the public, I believe he is well worth the position of the command, and will do well to protect Prussia. I mean, seriously, I good wargamer can't let you down, can he?

[Kaos XIII]

I vote for Mr. Toe Fungus, the reason is everyone deserves a second chance, or third. The dude has to win eventually, right?

Runner up is Mari-Cola, no real reason though.

[KuriousK724]

hank strongface stollock... the prussians need a propagandist for conquered cities!

runner up...
shoe sniffer... great strategist...strange habits... sure to throw the enemies of prussia off guard everytime!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

whats with all this malarky, get on with the story for goodness sake

BTW Id go with the chick shell distract them frenchies for long enough for our boys to put a musket ball through their foreheads