The Muscles from Brussels and the Spanish Conundrum

[unscratchedfoot]

News From Our Spy in Constantinople!!

An evil sultan named Berk Saladin has been appointed as the Supreme Commander of Turkish Armed Forces, replacing the previous Commander Kemal who was last seen being forced into the Chamber of Misery & Despair to pay for his inability to stop the British forces slicing through Turkish territory.

Berk Saladin is a great great great ...etc... grandson of the well known Saladin who led Turkish forces during the Crusades centuries ago so he has a bone to pick with the British crusaders.


Saladin gives instructions for Turkish infantry to face the British in a toe-to-toe battle and smite the infidels from the sacred muslim lands. In the right side of the photo, the black-clad person holding the bag is the British spy. Inside the bag are some goodies to help him or her (we're not sure) spy with, kind of 19th century James Bond stuff.

[Kaos XIII]

Thanks for declaring war on the Turks.

Damn, looking at the casualty list, the Russkies are getting slaughtered! So many Russians killed and yet, they're still giving you hell!

In that picture of the Spanish-French border, I can see some blue shirt guys, who are they??? Is it Portugal???

That Berk Saladin looks familiar, anyways he's a 'well fed' young man.

Finally, I shall wait and see if the hoard from Asia can break the British spirit!!!, not that i'm rooting against you or anything.

[Shyrramar]

What an horrible stream of bad luck you are experiencing there! Although the Russkies are indeed getting slaughtered, it is nowhere near the ratio that are needed to be even relatively successful in the campaign . Hang on in there, mate! And remember: it's not about who wins and who loses, it's about the style... and there's plenty of style here!

I am actually quite amazed at your performance, considering the staggering numbers of the Russkies and the stream of bad luck

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Loving every minute of this Scratchy

[unscratchedfoot]

Thanks for your support Chrisius and Shyrramar. After so much tough luck, the spirit of the young British blokes needs your cheers.

Originally posted by Kaos XIII
Thanks for declaring war on the Turks. Yes, they deserved it.

Damn, looking at the casualty list, the Russkies are getting slaughtered! So many Russians killed and yet, they're still giving you hell! Don't forget the Russians began this war with 600 ground units and have a massive production base constantly cranking out more. But they are also facing a coalition of forces and the fights in Sweden and the dead zone in France are scenes of constant yipping and snipping. The Russians are quite good at soaking up their losses and I've yet to see a significant reduction in the numbers of infantry they are fielding.

In that picture of the Spanish-French border, I can see some blue shirt guys, who are they??? Is it Portugal??? The throngs of blue fellows are the Turks and the very few surviving purple blokes are the Portugese. The Turks historically wore dark blue uniforms and that is a unique Turkish unit and note the fez caps on those blue troops as well which make such tempting targets to shoot off their heads

That Berk Saladin looks familiar, anyways he's a 'well fed' young man. Yeah, actually that's al-sadr whose the spiritual leader of the Iraqi resistance, currently the most wanted man on the American hit list. But trust me, he looks identical to the Turkish commander in the story and no cameras were available back in 1803 so this will have to do.

Finally, I shall wait and see if the hoard from Asia can break the British spirit!!!, not that i'm rooting against you or anything. Those baddies got some reckoning coming dude. It's just a little long in the coming

I predict the action around Brussels is going to be reduced to skirmishes for the next bit while the British lick their wounds. The Russians can enjoy the hospitality of Brussels while the British camp out in the rain, snow and sunshine. I shall report again after the massive field battle against the Turks is over.

[Paddy]

more please

[Mad Bomber]

Great story Unscratchedfoot, Keep it up!

Personally I would have gone for an MPP with the Turks, but you got to love the mayhem.

[unscratchedfoot]

Turkey Shoot
The Death of a Muscles From Brussels Army Group

This is the battle which put the term 'turkey shoot' into the English dictionary. After some defensive attacks are performed by the Muscles Battlegroup, the Turks throw themselves upon the defenses of Bordeaux to begin the greatest meatgrinder battle in this entire era of history!

Massed Turkish infantry approach Bordeaux which is defended by Army Group GRONK! and several other redcoat and artillery units from the Muscles Battlegroup. The bluecoat Turks march over the vegetable fields infront of Bordeaux and trample the plants as a warm-up to battle. Superior British musketfire is achieved by the redcoat square formations using a rotating system of firing and reloading: each line fires its muskets in one controlled volley and then rotates to the back of the square to reload while the front rows continue to fire volleys one after another nonstop. The billowy clouds of musket smoke starts to block their vision but it is no matter because the redcoats all fire directly forward into the unmissable Turkish ranks, thus avoiding hitting the same target with multiple musket shots.

The Turks have their own traditional method of fire discipline where they all just keep firing and loading at their own pace. Facing the fantastic firepower of the Muscles From Brussels Battlegroup, the Turkish troops can hardly get a shot off at their opponents before they are dropped in rows by the accurate volleys of fire coming at them.

The impetus of the Turkish attack is so overpowering that even Army Group GRONK! starts to stagger under the pressure. Single shots from the Turks are gradually taking their toll. Among the redcoat squares, a soldier here and another there drop with a scream. One by one they go down until the withering GRONK! is in grave danger of being overrun and destroyed completely. To the relief of all of good countries, the famous army somehow holds on until relief forces arrive in Bordeaux. The survivors of GRONK! drag their wounded comrades into the safety of the city, leaving the security of it to Army Group South which has just arrived. Buckingham Palace awards the Victoria Cross to General Gronk for his brave defence.


Round one has just finished. Note the bloodied GRONK! which is still defending Bordeaux. In this single round of combat, 45 Turkish infantry regiments and one cavalry are cut down by British redcoat fire, while the British lose a paltry 2 elite redcoat units and one cavalry. This phenominal loss of life in just a single phase of battle sets a world record for all nations.

The Turkey Shoot continues on for another four bloody rounds. Although the subsequent attacks on Bordeaux are not as big as the first one, the massacre is made almost as terrible by the deadly counterattacks of infantry supported by artillery the Muscles From Brussels performs on the packed ranks of Turkish infantry trying to surround the city. The slaughter is truly heart warming.

Then Naples decides to spoil the fun...


This drags the whole British alliance into peace. And half rum rations again for the stupid smiling advisor.


!!

Here is the aftermath of the Turkey Shoot which lasted for 5 rounds:


They've had enough. Turkish troops move away from Bordeaux, leaving their wounded on the battlefield at the mercy of the British.

The King and his pear-shaped politicians along with Unscratchedfoot are enraged by the peace agreement. Obviously the Turks paid off their Naples buddies in secret to arrange this treachery. We make note of Naples' actions.

Unpleasant talks are held with smelly Turkish ambassadors.


Colorful words are exchanged.



With this nuisance paperwork done, the Turkish wounded on the fields around Bordeaux are dispatched with artillery rounds while the Muscles armies chase after the fleeing Turks cutting many of them down. The Turks retaliate by ripping up the roads and irrigation on their way.


This painting is of a rare moment when the entire Muscles From Brussles Battlegroup is gathered in one city during the peace lull. Sadly, all but one of the original Muscles cavalry units have perished in battle.

The surviving Muscles cavalry named Kabobs is a very unique unit. Those brave riders carry lances instead of muskets because they prefer to skewer their opponents. Their tactics involve waiting until the battlefield is shrouded in smoke and then charge in to shishkabob the enemy. Once their lances are impaled in their victims, the Kabob riders take out pistols to continue the fight. Each rider has at least 20 one-shot musket pistols held on by holsters attached to their saddles. Fanatical warriors they are.

Trajedy!! A Muscles From Brussels Army Dies!!

The British continue to massacre the retreating Turks, while the Turks continue their slaughter of the Portugese. Muscles From Brussles is so successful that they manage to take another Turkish city.

Then disaster strikes.

Army Group South dies from disease in the newly captured Turkish city. !!! And 2 other redcoat units die in nearby cities from the plague.


The city on the right where all the fighting is happening is the one where the trajedy occurred.

This is a crushing blow to British morale. That army group contained 4 very highly acclaimed redcoat regiments which were veterans in the Spanish wars. And what's more, no time was allowed for mourning with fresh Turkish forces constantly moving up to fight in the mountains. The news was spread by rumors, and laughter could be heard echoing through the rock walls of the valleys from the hated enemy. That very night a grand celebration was held by the Turks with much drinking, womanizing and wahooing. The next day, Muscles From Brussels took out their revenge on the Turks by giving them a nasty artillery bombardment with 7 batteries and then inflicting heavy losses with infantry attacks.

Then the Turks counterattacked and retook the city in which Army Group South had perished. The single defending Spanish War veteran redcoat regiment took 4 Turkish infantry and 3 sipahi cavalry with it in a heroic last stand. The regiment was posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross.

During the Turkey Shoot and the aftermath involving the British loss of Army Group South, the Turks lost 152 infantry units and 9 sipahi cavalry units. This does not include losses from disease or Portugese action.


Bad News From the Swedish Front



This painting shows things going fairly well in Sweden with Army Group Kludge parked off next to a Russian city while resting between assaults. A protective screen of bearskins is set up around Oslo to help protect the Swedes from the cossacks. This was the highpoint of the Swedish campaign.


Then bad luck struck. The British are building a lot of character with all this bad news to endure. Disease kills off the Swedish garrison at Oslo and combined Russian infantry and cossack attacks annihilate the British defenders. Oslo is lost again and darkness spreads over Sweden. Packs of Russian infantry move up to secure the region.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

superb stuff, I bet youre having a great time playing this

[unscratchedfoot]

The Sherriff of Nottingham


Like most cities in the United Kingdom, the city of Nottingham was in a dour mood. Such was the despair that the talk in the pubs was but murmers and spiritless mumbling. Each day, the produce markets were bought out within an hour by people who had lined up since dawn to grab the goods and horde 'em in case of a siege. By noon, not even a single rosy red apple or bag of flour could be found for sale. A lot of people even carried pistols, the fat barrelled one shot kind, as if the Russians and Turks were about to burst out of the next building in a mad charge. And nary was a chirpy person with a giggle or yip.

And what of it? With the setback in Sweden and the loss of a group of heros down in Turkeyland, only the most diehard carefree types could find anything to be happy about. With the King and his pears infected with the morose atmosphere, Unscratchedfoot was on his own to come up with a plan to turn things around.

So he sought out the Sherriff of Nottingham, a charismatic and very well liked keeper of the peace. A speech he would give to bring cheer to all! And who exactly is this man, the Sherriff? By day he was the friendly but firm enforcer, and at night he worked as a referee in the underground pit fights where Commander Kludge reigned champion.

The Sherriff's favorite way of punishing criminals was the ole tar and feather treatment. Thieves, vandals, rowdy drunks, bullies and so on all got the same treatment which was to be fully dunked into a barrel of piping hot tar. Once heaved out of the tar by ropes, the baddie would then have bucketfulls of plush, white feathers poured over him and pressed on until he looked like a big chicken. The Sherriff was so fond of this punishment that the Nottingham poultry farms had trouble keeping up with his demands for feather supplies. Despite his love of tarring and feathering, he must be credited with always hearing out what the accused had to say. In cases of disputes, the Sherriff was always diligent in finding out who really deserved the feathering and who didn't. And what's more, after each tar and feathering, the Sherriff even provided good advice to the humbled baddies on how to improve their lives.


The Sherriff of Nottingham just before refereeing a pit fight.

So the Sherriff gave a speech in Nottingham Square for all to hear. Though with little hope, crowds gathered to hear what the popular sherriff had to say. At least it might provide a little desperately needed entertainment they thought. Once the place was packed in with folks, more people stood on rooftops and hung off the side of balconies loaded to the point of collapse. Fear-filled Russian workers, with their heads hung down in shame, slunk around as well since their slave drivers also wanted to see the show.

The Sherriff had both the physical and verbal power of a grizzly bear. His voice growled and bellowed, and no sappy speech was it either. He simply told them all the good things they had and had happened and were going to happen, like how their soldiers were the best in the world and their army leaders the most intelligent and brutal. Then after the spirit of the crowd seemed to rise a little, the Sherriff roared out his trademark start to any fight he refereed which almost inspired the pit fight audience itself into a mass brawl each time he yelled it.

Let's get it on!!!!

The roar reverberated around the square threatening to break windows and collapse balconies. In fact, one balcony did fall and at least 30 people went down with it in a great clamor and hubbub, knocking off several more jampacked balconies on its trip to the street below. Children started to cry. The produce that people had been humping back to their homes to horde was thrown into the air be it potatoes, poundcake, cheese, coffee beans or what not. Pistols were fired skyward and once emptied, the pistols themselves were thrown up with little care as to where they might land. Even babies were tossed around as if they were nothing more than sacks of wheat. And all these odds and ends thrown up high of course came back down and some folks were hurt, but no one cared. Screaming, shouting and yipping produced a cacophony that no ear could enjoy. Even the Russian slave workers started to cheer. What a transformation it was!

The adrenaline of the celebration reached a crescendo and the crowd went into a frenzy. Anything Russian or Turkish was in for a rough time. The slave workers, whether they had cheered or not, were pushed and pulled, smacked and kicked, to be finally locked up in those wooden thingys that used to lock in criminals by their heads and hands to be at the mercy of all passerbys. Russian and Turkish flags were of course burned, and even an innocent little perogie shop was trashed.

The Sherriff was fond of perogies so he drew the line on the rowdiness here. The leaders of the destructive mob were, not suprisingly, tarred and feathered as soon as the arrangements were ready. The people cheered all the louder at the sight of the funny human chickens while chanting their support for the Sherriff. And on went the fun all day and into the wee hours of the night.

From the next day, people volunteered their free time to work at the factories producing uniforms, guns and munitions. Thousands lined up at recruiting offices to join the British Army. And anyone looking sullen risked receiving a brisk gloveslap to the face.

Then comes a very happy announcement: the Sherriff is going to lead the new army group being formed up of veterans from the Netherlands! There's no way Britain can lose now! Army Group Sherriff of Nottingham will be sent to help fight in Sweden and turn the tide on the evil Russians. How can anything stand up to the combination of Commander Kludge and the Sherriff who are friends from the pit fighting club? Nothing, hopefully. They just need a lot of gunpowder and balls.



Oslo is surrounded by the British for the third time. Russian forces constantly harry and harrass but only manage to get themselves killed. Oslo falls to the British, and after a short rest, Sherriff and Kludge move out to take the fight to the Russians.

More good news! The British take Brussels! After frequent skirmishing and moderate losses, finally the breakthrough. The forts infront of Amsterdam are down to only 1 or 2 regiments holding each after a Russian skirmish attack kills a number of them. The Russians lose a couple of elite flintlock units in the fight.

Another another good thing is that Turkey and Russia have agreed to peace! This means the British can fight both of them together knowing fully well that nothing unfair is happening. Britain will beat them both!


This is an artist's rendition of Brussels after the British attack. Scores of Russian soldiers lay dead in the streets after a typical street fight. In previous battles it looked like this too except the streets were instead covered mostly in dead redcoats and bearskins. YAH!!!

In other news...


A fleet of pirates led by the Black Pearl prepare to set out to punish Naples. They are just waiting for a galleon carrying ground units for the land war part of the operation. Unscratchedfoot was not happy with all of Ireland, one quarter of the total British production, going into building privateers to punish Naples with but it may pay off.


Can you spot the secret service agent in ambush position? Hint: she's on a hill about to fire on a redcoat unit passing by, just posing of course. Nosey Dutch frigates hang off the coast trying to spot the agent too. This painting also shows how bad the plague is. The UK has become The Haunted Isles. The secret agent will be loaded up with a spy and 2 redcoat units for security to be shipped to Naples to begin clandestine guerrilla operations. This painting was made just before Brussels fell so the minimap doesn't show it.


The British hunter-killer fleet is stopped by a bottleneck of Portugese ships at the tip of Italy. The sailors enjoy the local wildlife while waiting for their purple friends to sort themselves out. So far, only one Turkish fleet escorting a troop ship has been found and sunk in this operation. Portugal has been preying on Turkish ships for some time now so the pickings are few.


Turkish Wimps

The Turks actually come to us begging for peace. The Turkey Shoot must have broken their fighting spirit.







This feeble offer was of course rejected. The Sherriff of Nottingham says he's wants to tar and feather Berk Saladin and Kludge says he's got a nice big haymaker waiting to make its mark on Berk's ugly face.

Good luck Berk buddy.

[Paddy]

well done mate this is great

inspirational

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Fantastic

[Kaos XIII]

That Sherriff of Nottingham looks tough! That's a hell of an offer from the Turks to turn down.

Looks like Great Britain is suffering from a serious health crisis.

BTW, what the hell are those Pandas doing in that island??? That's pretty damn creative!!! I would have never thought of doing that. But now, that gives me some ideas. Great job!

[unscratchedfoot]

Alright here we go with more fighting...

Lots of gunfire and endless slaughter. A general melee has ensued for quite awhile just where the original Spanish-French border used to be. Soldiers from Turkey and Britain are all mixed up among each other and duking it out. Portugese troops come up from the south to quickly evaporate among the Turkish hordes.



Bordeaux is taken by the evil Turks. They moved over 50 units into the city last move. The British are having a tough time holding their cities due to the plague which kills defenders constantly so that no strong units are allowed into cities since the fall of Army Group South to disease.



In Sweden, things couldn't be going worse. Oslo falls yet again to massed Russian troops while the attack on Norrsundet is a quagmire. Only now has General Kludge finally opened up a Russian dictionary to realise that the name 'Norrsundet' means 'Never Surrender' in english.

Then finally a breakthrough occurs as Army Group Kludge finally punches through the Russian defences and takes the city of Never Surrender.

Then Army Group Kludge dies from the plague No!!

An investigation is carried out by trembling new recruits who are ordered into the city by noisy officers safely waiting outside of it. The investigators' report describes how the citizens of Never Surrender were all diseased Russians who had been taken out of other Russian cities and put into this city to trap the British. In addition, hundreds of cages containing infected rats had been prepared by the Russians while the British were still battering the city from the outside. Just as the redcoats broke into the city, the Russian defenders opened the doors of the rat cages and released the vermin to wreak havoc upon the invaders.

King George III order the Sherriff of Nottingham to tar and feather every last Russian still alive in the city. But the Sherriff would have none of it. He towered over the king and told him point blank to shutup and think logically about the problem. The diseased people were only pawns being pushed around by the sinister Alexander and his right hand bully Commander Tito. Besides, there were not enough feathers in all of England to supply such an order and all the people conducting the tarring operation would be infected as well.

The King relented but ranted and raged for the longest time. The Sherriff then told him the most rational thing to do: end the war and solve the plague problem once and for all.

So peace was made with all in a continental agreement to end the plague somehow. The misery imposed by the plague is beyond the ability of words to describe. The Russians and Turks each lost upwards of 300 military units each to disease and countless citizens as well. Far more people had perished from disease than even in the fantastic bloodbath being carried out between all the nations.

R.I.P. General Kludge and your seasoned redcoats.



Battle Losses
This figures are only for fights involving British forces so they do not include losses the Russians and Turks suffered while fighting other nations. No disease losses are added, only from combat. Also not included is the loss of one redcoat to a panda attack.

British Losses

Infantry 56
Cavalry 10
Artillery 3
Spies 1
Frigates 18
Captured 9 frigates and 1 galleon

Russian Losses

Infantry 134
Cossack 21
Artillery 1
Spies 1
Frigates 22
Troop transports 3
Captured 5 frigates

Turkish Losses

Infantry 219
Cavalry (siphali) 20
Frigates 4
Troopship 1


This is the sad end to this historical tale.

[KuriousK724]

this story inspires me to go buy conquests! as soon as i get my next pay check of course...damn girlfriend spends all my money! this is great. maybe once you get the plague settled you could continue this epic? i would be very greatful.