The Muscles from Brussels and the Spanish Conundrum

[unscratchedfoot]

Here is the situation in Sweden at the outbreak of war with Russia. Visible are 17 cossack cavalry units which is scary because we cannot see what's infront of Stockholm due to the fog of war. How many more are there? Next to the cossacks are 5 inexperienced redcoat units and one 6 pounder who will throw themselves upon the Russians. In the waters around Denmark, the Royal Navy is set to hammer the Russian blocking force of frigates. Heavy naval losses to both sides are expected.

Considering this is the opening round of the fight it is obvious that the Russian assault was premeditated and prepared over time. That also means there are going to be hundreds of Ivan's infantry pouring over the border into Sweden just now.

The second stack of British units to the west are going to immediately march on Oslo and take it. The current order of battle states there are 17 infantry, half bearskin and half redcoat, and three 6 pounder cannon in that western stack. The lack of any cavalry shows how ill-prepared we were for the early war start. Also still stuck back in Nottingham is the leader of the Swedish campaign: the newly formed Army Group Kludge which is still waiting to be fitted with one more redcoat unit, a galleon to ship it, the waterways to be secured, and light brigades of cavalry for support. General Kludge is a hanker for detail and you can see his picture and description in the next part of the story.

Feel free to peruse the map in the left bottom corner because it is going to look different in the next few rounds. We can only pray the Russians are not in a city-burning mood.

Sweden is in SERIOUS trouble.

[Shyrramar]

The situation looks grim indeed.. But let us first see how things develop from here. I just wondered: what was the nation in the middle of Russian territory that abruptly disappeared quite recently? The white/grey one? And did the Russians burn that last bastion down, as the savages they are?

[unscratchedfoot]

The Leaders Involved in the Conflict

British Leaders


The Duke of Wellington is the leader of Army Group Muscles From Brussels. A vindictive disciplinarian, the Duke prefers to offer the stick rather than the carrot to both friends and foes alike. He deserves credit for more or less being able to control his rowdy troopers which have been compared to a pack of rabid pitbulls on steriods.


General Gronk, a former bootcamp sargeant, is the leader of Army Group GRONK! which is part of the Muscles From Brussels Battlegroup. His army always fights alongside the Duke's army.


General Kludge is the commander of Army Group Kludge charged with the difficult task of invading Russia via Sweden with inexperienced troops and few cavalry while going toe-to-toe with the vast reserves of the veteran Russian military now poised to crush Sweden. Kludge is a champion pit fighter who likes to brawl and now wants to pit his skills in the brutal art against the Russian bear.



Supreme Commander of the British Armed Forces Unscratchedfoot is a whacky character one should always keep an eye on to avoid his pranks. King George III jokingly introduces him to dignitaries with the following, "When Unscratchedfoot passes by, I always give him a good kick. Why? Because he's always either coming from trouble or going to trouble."


Russian Leaders


Alexander I, the Emperor of Russia is thought to be a little mentally unstable by some people and a pleasant looking gentleman by others. Historically he was infamous for switching his allegiance from one alliance to the other as suited his feeling at the time. He is on top of the Muscles From Brussels hit list, not a very envious place to be.


General Tito achieved hero status among Russians as the stone cold mass butcher of Austrian, Prussian, French, and Spanish soldiers and civilians. His brutish methods are simple: concentrate an overwhelming force on one target and smash it until nothing moves or breathes. Will the British and her allies be added to his list of mangled victims? The British already took a bloody nose from Tito during the short 1st Anglo-Russian War in which the thin British defenses infront of Amsterdam were utterly smoked and the wounded all massacred without mercy in only two rounds of fighting which forced King George to sue for peace to avoid the fall of Amsterdam. Ever since then, Tito's been itching for a rematch with Britain so he can finish the job he started so splendidly.

[unscratchedfoot]

Shyrramar, that white thing was the last Austrian city and no, the Russians did not burn it down. Apparently they don't have enough cities. But the 'savages' did burn down Paris as well as a couple of other Austrian cities. Vengence will be mine... either that or I'll get the beating of a lifetime as a reward for trying.

[SKILORD]

I'm pretty sure that the Pope would s*** a brick if the Ottoman Turks were in the French Riviera.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Be careful you dont upgrade your armies in england, the transports only carry four and a four unit army is size five with the army plus four units, so they will be stuck in blighty.

Of course you might have edited your transports to carry more, in which case just send a redcoat round to shoot me and get on with the story

[Paddy]

bring it on

[Kaos XIII]

Bring more Arty!

It's good to know you're on Diety level, good luck.

Start smashing those Russkies!

BTW: It's nice to see that, you posted a picture of yourself.

[unscratchedfoot]

Nobody likes the pictures of the generals?

Chrisius, there are galleons which can take 6 units and the Muscles members refuse to travel on troop transports at all because they are easy to sink. A galleon (based on the one in Colonization) can withstand an attack by a frigate just barely so it makes a good last ditch defence if the escort of a Man O War and 3 frigates are sunk.

Kaos, in my mod arty takes about 15 turns in an average city to build one! And I really need more troops. I've heard of people building like 50 arty and then going around clearing the map of all opposition with it because the original arty only takes 1 or 2 turns to build. That is not cool so not they are expensive (200+ shields depending on type) and about twice as damaging. They also can't be captured now (they defended themselves and were spiked in reality to avoid capture).

Skilord, the pope is a lot more worried about the Turks going on a tour down the boot of Italy than the French Riviera.

[Paddy]

I see no where that anyone has dish out on your Generals

I do see lots of encouragement for you to BRING IT ON

[Shyrramar]

@Unscrachedfoot:

The generals are great! Don't worry about, we all love you!

That Tito dude actually caused me to **** in my pants: he looks just like one army lieutnant I had when I was drafted (In Finland every man has to go through army - which kind of sucks...). He was like a kickboxing champion of Finland and was very, very mean.

So thanks alot for bringing back my nightmares!

Bring it on already!

[forgorin]

Ya bring it on. I wanna see you get your but smacked for been overly optimistic!:P

[Paddy]

[unscratchedfoot]

Acting on orders from General Gronk, a rowboat is lowed from the HMS Royal Sovereign and makes its way towards the coast of Corunna to meet with the Turks. The following shows the main parts of the short, unpleasant conversation which followed.



The Turks are gonna need that childhood bully to clean their underwear after what comes next...




Muscles From Brussels lands next to Corunna.


British War Strategy

(1) Take over Corunna from the Turks and use the town to refit the Muscles army groups with elite redcoat regiments.
(2) The Muscles From Brussels Battlegroup will then press on into Turkish territory mopping up with the short term goal of shortening the battlefront between Portugal and the Turks.
(3) The defensive forces around Boulogne will push into Brussels and take it from the Russians to establish a better defensive position and buffer zone for the Dutch.
(4) The northern army will take over Oslo and hand it over to the Swedes so they can have their own saltpeter source.
(5) Hold position at Amsterdam and try to limit losses while constantly reducing Russian forces.


The fight in Sweden never ends. The British to the east are wiped out almost to the last man in the savage fight in the forest but make a good account of themselves. The Swedes sent out an obsolete group of infantry units and were massacred. Swedish rifle regiments keep constant pressure on the Russians and the battle in the forest goes on and on with moderate losses suffered by both the Russians and Swedes.

The Russians are using mostly Cossack cavalry to attack with and seem to have assumed that would be enough to break the Swedes. They obviously forgot to factor in the British response. A column of troops is poised to take over Oslo and do so at a terrific cost. One Russian infantry unit alone killed off 4 redcoat and 3 bearskin regiments! These heavy losses seriously hampered the British fighting capability on this front.

Army Group Kludge and another ship loaded with cavalry are heading towards Oslo. By the time they arrive *Dutch frigates are blocking the English channel *, Oslo was taken back by the Russians. After a second ugly assault with traditional heavy British losses again, the city is regained, reluctantly garrisoned *a redcoat unit dies from disease * and the Russians are finally pushed back decisively. The woods of Sweden are strewn with smitten Russian cossacks and infantry. Commander Kludge serves up a deadly brew of kick ass.

[unscratchedfoot]

War!!



After the first wave of British hit Brussels they are repulsed with repulsively high losses. That wounded Russian elite flintlock defending Brussels killed 6 redcoats and one elite cavalry unit which was the Guardian of Amersterdam - heros who slew huge numbers of French in the early days of the war.



Brussels falls on the next round of combat and Russians pour through gaps towards Amsterdam. British artillery pecks away at the Russian hordes. The currently selected 6 pounder is on top of a hill creatively named "Hanover Hill". Those brave units holding that hilltop position were wiped out in a Custer-style fight to the last man but the rest of the defenses held.

Commander Tito of the Russians displayed more of a boxer's style of fighting: lots of jabbing and dancing around with little or no heavy aggressive attacks. Those stacks of infantry started to move south after inflicting moderate casualties on the British defenders. Unending fighting and losses did little to reduce their oppressive numbers.

Further south, endless fighting between Turks, Dutch, Portugese, Naplesese, Russians and even Swedes is going on and on without let up with everyone involved giving and taking some good punches. What a jolly good row they all seem to be having!


Naples turns against the British alliance! !!!
By persuading Turkey to fight the Russians, Naples is denying the British the chance to find out if they could take on the combined forces of the Russian bear and the Turks. Immediately following this, Naples and Turkey sign a trade embargo against the British! Unbelievable actions from an ally!!

The above photo also provides a snapshot of the neverending scrap going on between the Russians and Swedes. The advisor who dared to smile while giving such bad news was only allowed a half ration of rum that evening to teach him a lesson in anti-Turkish manners.

The British response to Naple's back stab.

Unable to declare war on Naples because of the locked alliance we unfortunately have with them, Britain makes plans to conduct a cold war against Naples using spies, secret service agents and privateers. Secret service agents are trained in the General Staff School and only come up once ever 24 rounds but they are worth the wait. The ultimate in undeclared warfare, they sport an attack of 12, defence 4, -1 hitpoint (fragile), 2 all terrain movement and tons of perks, designed for cross border hit and run attacks with the ability to return to safe land on the same round. (It is the Tomb Raider chick who has 2 pistols - someone bought a perfect 3D model of her and converted it to a civ unit).


In other news, the British defenders are so thinly spread out while constantly taking losses, the Russians retake Brussels using cavalry and immediately move in a stack of infantry to hold it.

With all reinforcements being sent to Spain to act as garrison units in cities captured by Muscles, the British army in the Netherlands is steadily getting weaker. Despite this, a phenominal effort is made with their dwindling resources and scores of units are taken out of their cozy warm forts infront of Amsterdam. A total of 27 units are made available to yet again assault Brussels. Many soldiers believe that city is cursed! A British cemetary from the constant wars around Brussels is getting so big that it spans the horizon and the countless white, wooden crosses decorated with poppies impede the movement of those lucky enough to still be alive.

Then bad news strikes (as if anymore bad news was needed)....




Next up, Portugal plays the fool and declares peace with Russia which forces all British units out of Russian territory!

The 27 units organized outside Brussels with gigantic effort and sacrifice must move out of the area to avoid breaking international treaty conventions.

After 2 rounds of reorganizing, war is redeclared against Russia and the desperate, bloody attack on Brussels begins. The losses are staggering among both horse and man. The fields infront of Brussels are yet again covered by the wilting flower of British youth and the Russians successfully repulse the attack! Although the Russians lost about 6 defending infantry, there is no chance for the bloodied British to take it in the near future without reinforcements from the homeland. Too many regiments were lost, critically weakening the British army defending the Dutch. A paltry 2 redcoat units is all the foolish pears in London afford them as reinforcements. Man, that is so weak!

The pears are too enraptured with the brilliant blitzkrieg of the Muscles From Brussels Battlegroup which is tearing through the Turks from Corunna all the way into southern France. The joy of this one and only successful warfront is tempered by the lack of units to perform garrison duty. None of the battlehappy Muscles units wants to be left behind so the whole battlegroup must pause after each battle until a garrison regiment is brought in from somewhere making for some very ichy waits indeed. The local bird population in each of these wait areas is decimated by frustrated, battle hungry British riflemen unable to keep their fingers off the trigger.

In other news, the bulk of the Royal Navy gathers together 3 Man O Wars and 8 frigates led by HMS Victory, and heads south to enter the Mediterranean and prey on Turkish shipping.

Southern Spain, now safely in Portugese possession is covered in slave workers in chains who slave away to rebuild all the land improvements the dirty Turks destroyed while the British exacted justice from the Spanish long ago. Most of the slaves are Russian workers captured by British spies during the cold war with a number of Spanish workers mixed in with them. They are now repaying their large debts to society.



This is the latest position of the Muscles Battlegroup. Over 100 Turkish infantry advance to offer themselves up as meaty sacrifices to the guns of Muscles From Brussels. The upcoming delicious slaughter will be the biggest and most morale boosting event to occur in the whole war so far. And a morale boost is long overdue considering the British are only winning on one out of three warfronts, the other two being stalemates. The upcoming battle will be the first major Anglo-Turkish field battle so far this war.

The above picture also shows Turkish units among the mountains on the border just after they finished massacring a large number of Portugese cavalry and infantry. It was not a pretty sight for the watching British to see their allies mowed down in such great numbers. Its like the proverbial rock, scissors and paper logic: the rockhead Turks crush the scissorlike Portugese while the British paper wraps up the Turkish rock and smothers the life out of it. Ah yes, and the scissors cutting paper part does not apply of course.


Total Casualties in the combined 2nd Anglo-Russian and 1st Anglo-Turkish War

Please note that the following casualty list of units does not include losses from disease or allied action. It only includes losses given and taken by British action. Also be aware that the above mentioned battle between the Muscles Battlegroup and Turks has not happened yet.

British Losses

Infantry 36
Cavalry 3
Artillery 3
Spies 1
Frigates 13
Captured 7 frigates and 1 galleon

Russian Losses

Infantry 66
Cossack 16
Artillery 1
Spies 1
Frigates 19
Troop transports 2
Captured 5 frigates

Turkish Losses

Infantry 35
Cavalry (siphali) 7