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Hello. Firt of all, I registered recently and think that Apolyton is a great site. I just wrote the first chapter of a story and I would like to get some feedback. Sonce this is my first story ever, I would like to get some tips. Please post your questions, comments, and suggestions. Here we go!
Chaper I: Ill news:
Shadimar was at his desk reading his domestic report when Gerlich, his military advisor, burst through his office doors. His face was ghostly white, and he looked as if he had seen his wife die before his eyes. “Sire!” he said, “It’s finally happened! The Mongols have declared war on us!”
“Funny,” replied the king of Talianna, “I thought that they would have led a surprise attack against us, the way they did last time, instead of formally declaring war...” He sighed. “Well, there is no point in pretending we didn’t see this coming. Squire, tell the stable boy to ready my horse, and send a runner to Persopolis requesting immediate action against the Mongols.” The son of the second most powerful Duke in Talianna scuttled off to deliver his message. “I hope the Persians are still willing to honor our old alliance, for we are going to need help if we plan on waging war with the strongest-…no…second strongest nation in the world.”
“My lord, you seem a bit unconcerned about this war. It has the potential to destroy our whole nation!”
“Well Lothar, as I said before, we knew this war was coming. I’ve thought about it, and we have no alternatives. Ever since our great crusades into Europe, the Kahn has become more and more disdainful of our nation. France and Russia were Mongolia’s greatest allies, you know. When we claimed Europe as our own, the Mongol’s list of allies thinned down to that pathetic little island nation of Japon…Japhan…whatever it is. Those little people are obsessed with their stories about ‘The New World’ and how wonderful it is. They even claim to be allies with a nation of ‘Aztecs’. Crazy talk, if you ask me…well, I’m wandering away from the subject…where was I?”
“You were talking about our relations with Mongolia, your honor.”
“Lothar, we aren’t in public, you can call me by name.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Lothar…”
“I’m sorry Shad, I…it’s just…we haven’t had time to talk in a while, in private, I mean, and I’m used to calling you by title. We haven’t had a good long talk since the days when we used to sneak out at night and pull pranks on the townsfolk.”
“Ah, the good old days…I miss those carefree times, when our only enemy was France. You know, it seemed like the French were too far away to bother us back then. How wrong we were. When my father, King Nolan, may he rest in peace, was assassinated by those fanatical dogs, and I ascended to the throne at the tender age of eighteen, I made some unwise choices. If it weren’t for Persia…I’m wandering off again, aren’t I? Anyway, my point is that this war was predicable and destined to occur. The fate of Talianna rests upon a knife edge. If I don’t drive out the Mongols, for I’m sure they will come, and take the fight to their lands, we are doomed. There can be only one survivor of this war, and I will personally see to it that the Empire of Talianna is that survivor.” With that, King Shadimar left his private study and headed to the stables. He needed to personally deliver the message to Knight-General Jevin that war would soon engulf the known world in fire and chaos. The world was about to change…drastically. If he made one bad decision, the fate of the Western realm would be sealed.
Chaper I: Ill news:
Shadimar was at his desk reading his domestic report when Gerlich, his military advisor, burst through his office doors. His face was ghostly white, and he looked as if he had seen his wife die before his eyes. “Sire!” he said, “It’s finally happened! The Mongols have declared war on us!”
“Funny,” replied the king of Talianna, “I thought that they would have led a surprise attack against us, the way they did last time, instead of formally declaring war...” He sighed. “Well, there is no point in pretending we didn’t see this coming. Squire, tell the stable boy to ready my horse, and send a runner to Persopolis requesting immediate action against the Mongols.” The son of the second most powerful Duke in Talianna scuttled off to deliver his message. “I hope the Persians are still willing to honor our old alliance, for we are going to need help if we plan on waging war with the strongest-…no…second strongest nation in the world.”
“My lord, you seem a bit unconcerned about this war. It has the potential to destroy our whole nation!”
“Well Lothar, as I said before, we knew this war was coming. I’ve thought about it, and we have no alternatives. Ever since our great crusades into Europe, the Kahn has become more and more disdainful of our nation. France and Russia were Mongolia’s greatest allies, you know. When we claimed Europe as our own, the Mongol’s list of allies thinned down to that pathetic little island nation of Japon…Japhan…whatever it is. Those little people are obsessed with their stories about ‘The New World’ and how wonderful it is. They even claim to be allies with a nation of ‘Aztecs’. Crazy talk, if you ask me…well, I’m wandering away from the subject…where was I?”
“You were talking about our relations with Mongolia, your honor.”
“Lothar, we aren’t in public, you can call me by name.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Lothar…”
“I’m sorry Shad, I…it’s just…we haven’t had time to talk in a while, in private, I mean, and I’m used to calling you by title. We haven’t had a good long talk since the days when we used to sneak out at night and pull pranks on the townsfolk.”
“Ah, the good old days…I miss those carefree times, when our only enemy was France. You know, it seemed like the French were too far away to bother us back then. How wrong we were. When my father, King Nolan, may he rest in peace, was assassinated by those fanatical dogs, and I ascended to the throne at the tender age of eighteen, I made some unwise choices. If it weren’t for Persia…I’m wandering off again, aren’t I? Anyway, my point is that this war was predicable and destined to occur. The fate of Talianna rests upon a knife edge. If I don’t drive out the Mongols, for I’m sure they will come, and take the fight to their lands, we are doomed. There can be only one survivor of this war, and I will personally see to it that the Empire of Talianna is that survivor.” With that, King Shadimar left his private study and headed to the stables. He needed to personally deliver the message to Knight-General Jevin that war would soon engulf the known world in fire and chaos. The world was about to change…drastically. If he made one bad decision, the fate of the Western realm would be sealed.
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