The Glory of News - SPECIAL WAR EDITION!

[Theseus]

Hmm... bearded WarChickens.

[Theseus]

Hmm...

/me is gettin' GS kinky.

[vmxa1]

Nice work MZ, I think it was Trip, such chupacabras are still unseen.

[Master Zen]

Originally posted by Theseus
Hmm...

* Theseus is gettin' GS kinky.

Hmm.... beared ex-Marine?

Wierd threesome you got there going, T

[zerialienguru]

really good

[Master Zen]

1340 AD Edition

The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print

1340 AD


-----------------------------

BREAKING NEWS
Gathering Storm adopts new language
1337 Speak officially replaces Old Stormian. w00t!


EYE OF THE STORM - The Stormian Parliament voted overwhelmingly in favor of replacing Old Stormian, the official language of the Gathering Storm for 5340 years with the new language which has swept the nation, called "1337 Speak" (Warmongerian translation: dleet dspeak). Its roots are traced to the invention of the Internet and the resulting cultural changes which have transformed Stormian culture because of it. During the last decade, it has been increasingly used by 13-year olds living in their parents basements, 20-somethings living in their parents basements and even 30-year olds also living in their parents basements. And with most youngsters rebelling against the traditional and strict spelling of the Old Stormian language, it was only natural that 1337 Speak would come to dominate thanks to its lax gramatical and ortographical structure. Our GoN correspondant went to Elipolis to see what the fuss was all about and logged into an actual Stormian chat room to see for himself.


GloryOfNews> Hello everyone
WellHung2> h1
SeXyChIcKeN> y0
WarChariot69> ^_^
GloryofNews> So, what's with this new Leet Speak?
WellHung2> it's 13375p34k n00b : p
GloryofNews> it's what?
WarChariot69> oMFg d00d iz li3k s000 l4m3!!111!!!
WellHung2> y34h sTfU n00b!11
GloryofNews> sorry, did I do something wrong?
WellHung2> LOL, 1 did \/\/17h y0 /\/\4/\/\4 LoL!11!!
WarChariot69> OMFG j00 607 m4d pWn3d!!1
SeXyChIcKeN> 13375p32k th1s 5h1zZ47 r0X !!!11!
WellHung2> s0 u h4v3 t3h pr0n??/?
WarChariot69> (o y o)
WellHung2> OmFg LoL!!1!
SeXyChIcKeN> o_O
WarChariot69> y0, SeXy, w4nn4 c|/b3r???


While most non-Stormians would cringe at having to learn a new language, the government has made steps to make 1337 Speak spread to all corners of the country. School textbooks are now printed in 1337 Speak and even a new constitution was recently unveiled by the Stormian Parliament. Among various new revisions, the constitution now starts with the line "W3 t3h 1337 h4x0rZ 0f t3h 647h3r33|\|6 57r0|\/|". At the United Nations, Stormian diplomats presented a draft resolution condeming Neu Demogyptica's aggression. The resolution included statementes that ND was going to "637 PWN3D" and that the Gathering Str0m was going to "r0x0r j00r b0X0rZ". It is not expected to pass for the simple reason that no other delegation was able to understand a word of what is written in it.

Editor's Note: As of now, there are no plans of introducing a 1337-version of T3h 610r|/ 0f |\|3\/\/z


------------------------------

War is Lame!
Analysts and Spectators agree


CAMULDONUM - It is official, the war is lame, say analysts, experts and spectators from the Dreadlands to the mountains of Voxtavia. Disappointed by the lack of mass aereal bombings, titanic land battles and flanking maneouvers, most people are now shunning the nightly news in favor of other non-war-related programming. "Back in the days of the Bobian War there were awsome tactical maneouvers, cities were razed, people were killed, babies were eaten, especially by GhengisFarb's Riders." said military analyst UnOrthOdoX of Camuldonum. "In the Lego War you had massive battles involving dozens of tank and infantry divisions". But now, we have wimpy attacks against defenseless Spanish infantry in lego, ships which were sunk with no warning, and incredibly lame bombing attacks against the countryside, whoopedy-friggin-doo.".

A survey was recently conducted in Zenophobia asking people what they wanted to see in the war. The results called for "more razed cities", "mass bombing raids", "battleship duels", "100+ unit invasions" and "GhengisFarb again". A number of extreme spectators have even called for a boycott of the evening news. "Here in GoW, fighting is our national pastime, when we're not at war we at least want to watch it on TV! War, fighting, hitting things on the head with blunt instruments, drop-kicking our neighbors, breaking passerby's noses with our elbows, shaving our wive's beards, those are the things that make our country strong and proud!". As a result of this extreme public pressure, the Glory of War and Vox have presented a draft resolution at the United Nations asking, among other things "for ND and GS to open up an even larger can of whoop-ass". It is expected to be vetoed by Roleplay since an increase in the level of ass-whooping would leave them bien jodidos.




------------------------------

Other Headlines


The Capital (Page A1)
"Master Zen to marry Queen Borg in lavish ceremony in the Imperial Palace"

The Hinterland (A15)
"Glowing 3-eyed French-speaking fish found in Killdaria after bomb test"

Foreign Affairs (B1)
"GoW ambassador calls for Lego to 'Die. C'mon man, please, just die'"

Culture (C1)
- No articles found -

Fashion (C10)
"Female GoW models protest against lack of representation in world runways"

People (D1)
"New book claims renegade Lego leader ZargonX is the antichrist"

[bongo]

1f y0u c4n r34d th1s y0u n33d t0 g3t l41d!!!!!!!!

[DeepO]

Can I just say that there is a certain faction in GS, which hopes that the Internet gets used not for the spreading of some strange, silly new language, but for its original goal: a decentralised computer network necessary to launch ICBMs even if half the country is in ruins?

Stop the 13375p34k cultural agression! Citizens of Hurricane, unite! Rise against your oppressor!

DeepO

[Aeson]

Due to low ratings, the war has been cancelled. It was a difficult call to make, mainly because there is no phone in my parent's basement and I had to walk upstairs... and then back down again. Such are the horrors of war.

Some networks may still be showing reruns though.

[Theseus]

Originally posted by Aeson
Due to low ratings, the war has been cancelled. It was a difficult call to make, mainly because there is no phone in my parent's basement and I had to walk upstairs... and then back down again. Such are the horrors of war.

Oh, admit it Aeson... your mom came downstairs, waved her spatula, and said "STOP FIGHTING, YOU!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION... I WANT YOU TO BE A DERMATOLOGIST!!!"

[Master Zen]

Originally posted by Theseus


Oh, admit it Aeson... your mom came downstairs, waved her spatula, and said "STOP FIGHTING, YOU!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION... I WANT YOU TO BE A DERMATOLOGIST!!!"

Maybe you can explain now why I've gotten so many zits ever since I married Queen Borg of Skulgaria

[Aeson]

Google only reports 2 other instances of the combination of dermatologist, spatula, and world domination on the net. The scary thing is Theseus did it in one paragraph. Terry Oglesby took 4 days of blog entries, and Susan Jones-Anderson needed 3 days of forum posting.

Impressive!

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by Aeson
Google only reports 2 other instances of the combination of dermatologist, spatula, and world domination on the net. The scary thing is Theseus did it in one paragraph. Terry Oglesby took 4 days of blog entries, and Susan Jones-Anderson needed 3 days of forum posting.

Impressive!

[Theseus]

[Beta]

Aeson, best laugh I have had in awhile.

MZ - loved the soccer commentary, being a Fulham fan (yes, I am hurting this season).

Just disappointed there is not another way to the finals....