S.P.I.N. #3 Two more than the First.

[Aeson]

Satiring Political and International News

Rules

Please do not comment in this thread, comment on any stories here: http://apolyton.net/forums/showthre...&threadid=89413

• All postings here should be of a lighthearted nature, but also at least attempt to relay SOME information.
• There will be no debating in this thread, if you or your team takes exception to a story, feel free to post your own views, but do not debate/debunk the original post.
• This thread will remain open for submissions until Friday, August 8th, at that time a new thread will be created, and one will be created each Friday thereafter. On those Fridays, either myself, or someone I ask, will PM Dan and Mark excerpts for inclusion on the main news page with a link to the relevant thread.
• Violators of any of these rules will be required to insert into their sig the following phrase until a new S.P.I.N. thread is created: "I am a stupid idiot who can not even understand the simplest rules of good fun and polite conversation."
• Actual phrase and insertion of such are entirely voluntary. S.P.I.N. is not responsible for anyone who is stupid enough to take the above 'enforcement' seriously

(Posted without consent of S.P.I.N. owner/operator/copyright holder UnOrthOdOx. But hey, at least I didn't make it orange! )

[Aeson]

Editorial Retraction
Published in accordance to Article XI Section II.3 of Ruling in the case of GoW vs OrangeNews

Port Isolation, GoW (OrangeNews) - Ruling Judge in the case of GoW vs OrangeNews, the honorable Earl Lect of Monsoon, has judged OrangeNews guilty of copyright infringement of the 2nd degree.

While we at OrangeNews firmly believe our honor to be in-tact despite the verdict, the staff of OrangeNews would like to sincerely apologize for the damage caused by our editorial blunder. OrangeNews offers restitution in compliance with dEarl Lect's dRuling. Thus will be delivered to GoW at the earliest possible convenience:

• Four quarts of OrangeNews OrangiclyInk to be delivered to the nearest GoW mortuary for use as embalming fluid for those Warmongers who died due to reading a GS publication using the word "dtragety".
• 12 sheets of high quality OrangeNews papyrus printstock delivered to GoW's administrative headquarters for use as crude bags in treating hyperventilation brought on by Warmongers reading a GS publication using the word "dtragety".
• 3 virgin lambs, delivered to the honorable dEarl Lect.*

Please accept this offering as proof of OrangeNews humble and sincere apology to GoW for the many attrocities committed against them by OrangeNews publications. We at OrangeNews hope that the dWar may now be swiftly ended. As one Warmonger official acknowleged, "This whole War was brought on by GS troops and settlers blocking our way from reaching Valencia. We feel Valencia Oranges are the lifeblood of OrangeNews, and the source must be cut off before more Warmonger lives are lost to this menace. Our agents tell us the secret ingredient for OrangeNews OrangiclyInk is Oranges!"**

This is by no means an apology for issues under pending litigation; GoW vs OrangeNews in the matter of mass papyrus cuts and GoW vs OrangeNews in the matter of temporary blindness due to deffective ink. We feel certain that OrangeNews honor will be found spotless, and have already been granted an injunction on the blindness suit due to our assertion that "deffective" is actually "effective" in the GoWish tongue.

* We assume for dinner.
** Oranges are not the secret ingredient.***
*** At least now they aren't secret.

[GhengisFarb™]

WORLD PEACE MOVEMENT BEGUN

Ghengis the DCXIX (619th), last surviving heir to the Ghengis Dynasty, and commonly known as CrazyGhengis has made a miraculous recovery. Glorious Inquisitors (empowered by the late Spanish Pope who transferred all Inquistion authority to the GoW as he felt the Spanish were in need of Inquisting) have announced their findings: "Apparently, Ghengis was under the curse of Espanic sorcerers most foul, and said sorcerers were captured at the city of Bilbao. Once they were put under the charge of the Glorious Inquistion they confessed the truth of their evil deeds."

Upon the lifting of the curse, Ghengis professed his desire for world peace, and that the Spanish were "merely doing what they felt was right. They didn't really mean to cause harm, they simply weren't aware of the suffering caused by their actions."

He then called for citizens of the world to strive for peaceful and coexistent harmony among all races, be they Warmonger, Demogyptian, Gatheric, Espanic, Voxian, Legomen, or Luxian. A little late for the Luxians, there Ghengis.....

Glorious Inquisitors have announce redoubled efforts to find the sorcerors responsible for the existing curse on Ghengis. "Oh my skulls, said the Chief Inquisitor. He's worse than he was before!"

[Beta]

"Evicted" - the first show at The New Voice Theatre

...by omega ... arts critic of the Vox newspaper - "The Truth".


With the new theatre just completed, the world-renowned Vox players have just staged the premiere of the Randy Lord Wubber musical - "Evicted" to rave reviews. It tells the story of a young communications student's rise through government offices and society, to eventually become the Voxian Minister of Information. His days in the lime-light are quickly eclipsed as Vox is forced from North Estonia after a crushing defeat. Strong performances by HarryH as Jon Miller, Rhothaerill as Eli, and Wittlich as Beta himself bring this tragic story to life.

The adaptation of the Wubber stage play is masterful. A medoicre set and sub-par lighting are more than compensated by the emotion brought to the stage by the cast, and their stirring renditions of the songs which tug at our heart strings.

There was not a dry eye in the house as Witt sang out the final lines of the hit tune, "Don't Cry for Me , North Estonia", reprinted here as a salute to a memorable evening.

"Don't cry for me North Estonia,
"The truth is, I never left you.
"All through my wild days,
"My mad existence,
"I kept my promise.
"Don't keep your distance."

"Evicted" plays nightly except for Mondays at the New Voice Theatre. Tickets are available at the box office, or from any TicketControli outlet.

[HarryH]

Anarchy reigns, citizens look for something to burn…

The New Voice – Since the final exodus from Estonia the Voxian civilization has been in anarchy. Workshops have been shut down, no one is paying any taxes, and money seems to be worthless. Even the workers are only showing up half the time. When asked why the workers are underperforming Wittlich said “They are spending too much time searching the countryside for something to burn. In Estonia we had incense to burn. Here there is nothing.” Agreeing with Wittlich young Rhothaerill added “Yeah, if you throw an entire bottle of incense on the fire the smoke would fill the entire house. After a few deep breaths you would forget about your troubles.” The government is worried. Jon Miller said that if we do not resolve our form of government soon “the people will realize the only thing they can burn is the city itself.” What will be the form of the Voxian government? Most people want Republic but there are a few outspoken individuals proclaiming the benefits of other forms. First Archbishop Beta says Monarchy is the way to go. “The people do not know how to govern themselves. They need someone to lead them. Besides, the church has a lot more influence in a Monarchy.” HarryH has been dreaming about a new form of government where the people themselves decide the fate of issues. No one understands what he is talking about.

Military practices on barbarians…

Voxtavia - In the distant mountains the military has been keeping their skills sharp by practicing against local barbarians. When asked if this was a useful way to spend their time Lieutenant Eli said “What else are we going to do.” Eli was psyched for his first encounter with a barbarian. “We heard the stories coming out of GoW about UnOrthOdox’s clash with the MegaBlock barbarians on his trip to Legoland, so we were prepared for a real fight.” Eli went on to say they found the barbarians to be unworthy opponents. “They fought like girls. Not a single member of my unit was injured. It’s just like the stories my great great grandpa used to tell about his battle with Grog!”

[UnOrthOdOx]

Theseus arrested as he attempts to flee Imperial City

http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=3179311

(in honor of avatars comming back)

[Theseus]

Ah, the many bananas I have smeared on GS' enemies.

[Beta]

oh oh.

[Panzer32]

Stormian and Voxian disregard SPIN rules

Theseus and Beta have commented in the no comment section.

To which, Panzer32 replied: 'no comment'

[GhengisFarb™]

GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF TYPING MONKEYS RESULTS IN SHORTER SPIN ARTICLES!

The Great War has seriously depleted the world typing monkey shortage as the Spamish appear to use them for soldiers. This then appears to have reduced many SPIN articles to a mere two sentences......

[Octavian X]

The following is a paid advertisment, brought to you by the United Doughnut Maker's Association

Have YOU had a doughnut today?

Man: Darnit, I'm tired and hungry. Today has just been plain bad.

Narrator: Why, what's on your mind?

Man: First, I lost 1000g on a bet over a chicken fight. My wife kicked me out of the house, I was fired, my kids refuse to recognize me as their father, my parents refused to recognize me as their son...

Narrator: That sounds bad. What you need is...

Man: ...I was publically humilated in front of every single person I know, and then some. I was then sentenced to die for murders I'm pretty sure I didn't commit, I think I killed 13 people when I got drunk because I was so depressed, I was mobbed by Stormians who look down of chicken fights, I was mobbed by Voxians for being mobbed my Stormians, I was mobbed by Spainiards for no apparent reason...

Narrator: What you need is...

Man: ...I lost my leg in a gally accident, I pelted by legos, and I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack right now.

Narrator: What you need is a DOUGHNUT to brigten up your day!

*Hand gives Man a doughnut

Man: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN! I'M GONNA DIE IN A FEW @$#%$%& SECONDS AND YOU THINK I NEED A DOUGHNUT??? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT ARE YOU! WHY I OUGHTTA...

*Man dies of heart attack

Narrator: There you have it folks! The calm effect that only a doughnut can give.

This has been a paid advertisement.

[Panzer32]

Received from Crystal Clear of SPIN press, via an anonymous source:

THE BETA INTERVIEW

The Palace of the New Voice, 5 August, 50 A.D.

(in a whispered voice) “This is Crystal Clear reporting for SPIN press. I am descending a long flight of stone stairs, accompanied by Wittlich and Jon Miller. It is very quiet here, with only the occasional dripping of water. Wittlich explains to me”:

“You do understand. He hasn’t been the same since the war. He lives here, well, sort of for his own protection.”

I acknowledge the comment, and then we are there. Jon Miller uses a key to open the door and we enter a surprisingly spacious and well lit room. Small windows look out over the nearby mountains. The accommodations are comfortable and well appointed. A large desk occupies one corner of the room, commanding a good view of the city below, and the mountain range further out.

He sits at the desk and does not look up. Long, grayish blonde hair hangs around his shoulders, which are stooped forward intently. He mutters to himself, and scribbles furiously on a sheet of paper. Wittlich clears his throat “Beta, Miss Clear is here to see you.”

He looks up. Half confused, half annoyed. And then a charming smile crosses his weathered face. “Ah, Witt, Jon! Good to see you? And Miss Clear, welcome to my humble abode.”

Jon Miller and Wittlich pass on their regards, and then leave me to do my interview. They have promised me he is harmless.

Crystal Clear, nervously: “So Beta, how is life in the New Voice?”

Beta: “Splendid! Just Splendid! The weather is lovely and the view of the mountains superb!”

Crystal: “And the chaos in the city?”

Beta: “Chaos, what chaos? Oh, the noise and smoke and such. Do not worry, my dear. That is the 23rd Voxian Immortal Regiment finishing off another Stormian chariot unit. Glorious, isn’t it? And just so you know, you are completely safe here. Have no worries.”

Crystal, after a pause: “Yes, but I thought.... Well, wasn’t that war over…?”

Beta: “Oh yes. Soon it will be. Gathering Storm is on their last legs. They cannot hold it together much longer. We have worn them down militarily, and their economy is in collapse. You really didn’t expect a bunch of chicken-worshipping infidels to defeat Vox Controli did you?”

Crystal, confused: “Ah, no, I guess not. But tell me Beta, where do you get your intel from?”

Beta: “Hah! As if I would tell you? Did Theseus send you? Yes, that is what those dastardly southerners would do. Use a reporter to get Voxian secrets. So, no no no! I will not reveal my sources. But I will tell you, they are very reliable! Why, just recently I learned of a Gathering Storm plot to take over North Estonia. And I, Beta, am the only one who can save Vox Controli.

Crystal, now half amused: “How do you plan to do that?”

Beta, looks around the room and lowers his voice: “Come here and I will show you. Hehehe. They will have no idea. It will be a complete surprise. The might of the Immortals will fall on their unholy souls. See, I have this secret book. It tells me everything I need to know about defeating the Stormians. And I am the only one who has it. It was produced by the GSIA – that is the Gathering Storm Intelligence Agency – but be quiet about that. And then they renamed it to try and fool me. But did it work? Oh no no no. You can’t fool a wise old minister of information that easily.”

Crystal, cautiously: “May I see it?”

Beta, somewhat worried and unsure: “But you promise not to tell anyone. Of course you wouldn’t. A good girl like you. You’re Jon’s niece aren’t you? Yes. That’s it. Jenny Miller. I remember you. Yes, still quick as a whip, I am. Well here, take a quick peak. But remember, it is top secret. If you let this information get out, I would have to have you executed. You understand don’t you? Good. This is the book. The key to ending this war! The final solution to Voxian victory! Ha ha ha! We have the infidels now! Right where we want them…. Release the Immortals… Let slip the dogs of war…. Ha ha ha ha.

I leave the room nervously, as Beta, with spittle running down his chin, laughs and points out his barred window. Wittlich comes scurrying down the stairs to make sure I am alright. He glances into the cell and then pulls the door gently to a close, after somewhat sadly, yet fondly looking in on Beta. As we ascend the stairs, Wittlich sees that I am carrying a well worn book. He asks what it is and I hold it up for his inspection.

He smiles. “Ah, ‘A HitchHiker’s Guide to Gathering Storm’. Quite a good read actually.”

[Wittlich]

Great Spin Panzer!

[History Guy]

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

MADRID, Friday - Responding to a call from UnOrthOdOx's secret underground bunker S.P.I.N.U.B., Pope Calixtus I of the Catholic Church asked Spanish and Egyptian Cardinals to take the Popemobile over to S.P.I.N.H.Q. and purge it of the vile wickedness of commentators and bad reporters.

The Spanish Inquisition arrived the next day, and immediately burst into a secret meeting of GhengisFarb, Wittlich, Beta, Theseus, and Panzer32, who were planning their next posts at S.P.I.N.

"Well," said GhengisFarb just before he was dragged away screaming by Cardinals Biggles and Fang, "everyone was asking me where I'd been hiding all the missing monkeys, and I firmly denied having anything to do with it. They egged me on, Theseus smacking me around with bananas, and I finally shouted 'I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!'"

At this point, Swiss Police Officials report, the door burst in and the Spanish Inquisition arrived, crashing in upon the wild posting operations.

GhengisFarb, apparently pretending to be a member of the Spanish Inquisition himself, tried to make his way out the back door, but was promptly set upon by Cardinals Biggles and Fang.

Even now, from behind the oaken doors, we can hear the shouts of "Confess!" followed by long screams.

Theseus was released soon after his arrest when he pulled out his Spanish Inquisition identification card.

When asked about the Spanish Inquisition (the Pope not answering calls about the subject), he simply responded: "In the early years of the first century, to combat the rising tide of religious orthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance through the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film."

"This," he said, "is the Spanish Inquisition."

Cardinal Ximinez, in between putting Panzer32 and Wittlich on the Comfy Chair and punching Beta with the Comfy Cushions, was able to answer some questions for the press.

"Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four...no...Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise..."

He then offered to come in again.

We will keep you, our faithful readers, informed as this dramatic story unfolds.

[GhengisFarb™]

UNEMPLOYED SPANISH "INQUISITIDORS" IMPERSONATE THEIR FORMER JOBS

Unemployed Inquisitidors attempted to arrest members of the SPIN organization recently and failed utterly. Unhappy with the fact that the late Pope transferred all Inquisition authority and positions to GoW many years ago, they attempted to revitalize the heathen Inquisition which the late Pope had attempted to make ammends for.

SPIN members GhengisFarb, Wittlich, Beta, Theseus, and Panzer32 fell on the floor laughing their brains out as the true Inquisition promptly appearing and questioned the ignorant Spanish to death.

EDITOR'S NOTE, not sure that Wittlich is an actual SPIN member, he simply seems TO POST COMMENTS in the SPIN thread and not articles...........