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June 4, 1225 BC----Special thanks to Jonny for this weeks Letterhead
A Changing of the Guard
New Government takes office
Since the dawn of time, the land of the Vikings had known nothing save for the stern ruling of the hand of MrWhereItsAt. His wise council had seen our humble beginnings expand into a mighty nation, our mighty armies defeat the Ottoman Empire in open combat, and our Nation grow to the forefront of the known world. The signs were slow to come at first, but come they did, and it was soon apparent that MrWhereItsAt was no longer suited to his role as leader. His steps were slower, his eyes were those of a weary soul, I suppose a few thousand years of governing will do that to you.
As plans were underway to find a worthy replacement, though, a more disturbing trend manifested itself in the form of our Supreme Military Commander. Uber had indeed finally lost his mind all together. Where once a proud tactician, he had recently begun to speak nonsense claiming to be a witness to a mighty Rise of Nations. It had been known that Uber was prone to fits of madness ever since he ordered our warriors into the ranks of Ottoman spears, so not much concern was shown. Uber continued to slip into madness, however, joining in a cult that worshipped a god known as ICBM, a cult whose only fear seemed to be something known as an Armageddon timer. These new ravings began to worry many that were under his command, but the final straw came at a meeting with a delegate from Zululand. Uber launched into a tirade insisting that the Zulu be called the Bantu and claiming that they would overrun us with the power of migration, stating that this power embued the Zulu with the ability to breed more proficiently and field many more units than anyone else. As he was drug out of this meeting screaming something about upgrading our attrition research, it was obvious that the entire government was likely due for a refitting.
GodKing stepped up to take his seat as the head of our government, a proud man looking to whip our nation back into shape after the raving psychotics had been dealt with. In a curious move, he appointed two men to be his Vice President, OPD and Octavian X. Some openly questioned the sanity of such a move, fearing that we were about to be subject to yet more mad behavior from our government. As I looked over the situation, though, I realized it to be an act of genius, not insanity. How could the VP plot an assassination or overthrow of the President if he was busy worrying of his own rival? Kloreep would continue to serve the nation, this time taking up as our Foreign Affairs Minister. BetaHound rose to take the challenge of overseeing our production as the Domestic Minister and dejon, a young man who had quickly risen through the ranks of the military took over for Uber as our Supreme Military Commander.
- UnOrthOdOx
Civil Disorder in Warrior’s Luck Breaks Up Really Good Party and Starts Better One
By Historik Battleaxe
WARRIOR’S LUCK, Tuesday. Partygoers in Warrior’s Luck were disturbed Thursday night by a rampaging horde of rioters in the city street last night, say public officials.
“It was scary. I was munching on flugsvamp and taking a sip out of my deer horn when all the sudden we heard this shouting,” said Snorri Snarlgurgle, 24. “I have never been so frightened in my life as I was Thursday. They busted up a really good party, those filthy little…”
Ottoman rioters stormed the city square, carrying placards reading ‘WEE R SMARTHER THEN UOO’ and ‘YOU FAT FATTIES’ as well as other offensive slogans aimed at the Viking populace. They apparently shouted, “Come on, get outta here! You got no business here! We got feelings too, you know! Hey! Where do you think you’s goin’? You’s only going back to Valhalla, buddy! Get off my land! Don’t make me angry…huff, huff…you won’t like me when I’m angry” as well as some racial epithets, like ‘Hairy Guy’, ‘Northman’ (even more offensive is the reduced version: ‘Norman’), ‘Wolf Coat’, ‘Lousy Patrol’, and ‘Extremely Bad Cheese Makers’.
The riots started in the Ottoman districts and poorer areas of town. The triggering event was the kidnapping of an Ottoman’s Afghan Hound by a hungry Viking beggar. The Hound was rescued, but the Viking was smoked alive after having his ears ripped off with a pair of toothpicks. Such extremely cruel torture methods have made Turks infamous, says Mr. Harald Bloodtooth Killdamturk, head of the local warrior’s brigade.
“They are incredibly vile, evil, wicked, evil, vile, wicked, evil, evil, vile, wicked people,” said Mr. Killdamturk.
The angry mob started burning buildings left and right, moving into the lower class residential areas, and setting them aflame.
“What they didn’t at first notice,” said Mr. Killdamturk, “is that the lower class residential area is also the Turkish Quarter.”
As they watched their houses melt away in the flames, they began to wonder why they had made such a huge error.
“They tried to cover their tracks, looking around nervously, walking in the opposite direction, humming, etc. It didn’t work; we knew that those morons had, in a rage, set their own houses on fire. So we stood there in the streets laughing at them.”
The Ottomans, recognizing an extremely bad move on their part, walked away, and waited for a few hours before they began to rise up again, after they thought the initial embarrassment was over. Apparently, they felt even worse two mornings later when the drinks wore off.
The mob moved towards the Viking district this time, busting up a really good party. Partygoers protested their eviction from the local Viking Flugclub to no avail.
“One Turk said to me, ‘Look, I write novels, but I haven’t had any of them published yet, so I gotta warn you, I’m in a really baaad mood’”, said Mr. Snarlgurgle.
The mob moved on towards the governor’s palace after a brief stop when some of the Ottomans accidentally immolated themselves.
However, before they could wreak more havoc on the neighborhood, a portion of the population banded together and magically turned into an incredibly gorgeous Nordic entertainer, who was really, really tall.
“Wow! Hurrah!” shouted the Ottomans as Miss Snorklet de Gargle stepped out onto the makeshift stage. A few Ottomans were so amazed that they dropped their torches on each other in dumbfounded amazement, illuminating the area for the performance.
Miss de Gargle entertained the mob in various different…ways. Most popular were her own renditions of ‘Anything Goes’, ‘I’m the Laziest Girl in Town’, and ‘Roll out the Barrels of Hard Grog’.
When the concert ended two days later, much of the town was burned out and all of the Ottomans were either dead drunk, or just dead.
Miss de Gargle’s services were purchased by the Viking high command for use in times of war.
- History Guy
History of the Vikings
As seen from the times of GK
Part 2
Part 3 to follow in the next installment of…
The Viking Herald
Part 2
We began work immediately. Many of the hunters were out hunting, of course. We Vikings are a bloodthirsty lot. We like lots of fresh meet, and a large variety of it also. I suspect that if raw meet wasn’t so hard on the digestion, we never would cook it.
As the hunters began coming back, I had them report directly to the new Barracks. Ghengas Farb was kinda upset about the whole arrangement, but I just told him to speak to UberKruX about it and, well, GF disappeared real quickly. Of course, later on I realized what a mistake it was having all the hunters report directly to the new Barracks.
You see, none of them had the opportunity to take their catch to the markets and sell them. The people began getting upset that there was little or no fresh meat. (Even though WhiteBandit was claiming to be selling fresh meat, I think it was week old rat myself.) On top of that, the hunters found GF’s old Mead Cellar. Apparently, the workmen I had that remodeled his longhouse into the Barracks had overlooked it.
Keeping a large number of men, with lots of fresh meat and a couple hundred casks of Mead, locked up in the Barracks doing something that they probably didn’t want to do was just a recipe for disaster. Just as they were tearing down the second wall for the BBQ, I was notified by runner of the situation.
I was out at my sheep ranch, doing a final count on the lambing for this season when the runner arrived. Aaargh. When would Unortho be getting back? I had enough to do with my own chores. Next time, I will just run for president and get to boss everybody around. So back to town I went, running, in a panic. Drunken hunters…. Great.
I was, however, saved from disaster from a most unexpected quarter. Panag, sensing the disaster about to unfold, and also sensing a hefty profit I suspect, had closed down his Whore House and Pancake Emporium. He sent all of his girls, along with more than a few sheep, over to the Barracks. The girls traded their services for all the meat and mead, and by the time I had arrived everything was calm. There was only one thing to deal with, and it was History Guys drunken cousin, Thag.
The brute wanted to join up with the hunters. The hunters didn’t want to be around his smell. Said that it would give away their position to the enemy. Thag refused to bath, saying that it was against his religion. MWIA was trying to calm the situation, but was having no luck.
At first, MWIA was going to just force him to bathe, religious nut or not. However, when it became known that Thag didn’t know how to even use a bow and arrow, and that the forces I was helping train for Uber were all going to be bowmen, well, that fell through. Then MWIA asked if GeneralTacticus could use Thag as a diplomat. Of course that idea was turned down quickly. Options were running out.
The next morning when I went to work, MWIA was sitting behind Unortho’s desk. Oh great. Now what? “GK, I have two things to go over with you today. But before that, I just want to say thanks for sending all those people up north to Trondheim. Getting rid of all that riff raff was one of the best things we have ever done. Now, first thing, I just got a message from UnOrthOdOx. It seams that he will not be able to return in the near future. He wants to know if you are willing to take over for him on a full time basis. No, wait, don’t answer just yet. Second item, Thag. What shall we do with him? We need to get this guy something to do so that he will let everybody alone to do their jobs.”
- GodKing
Ode to the Viking People and An Account of Their Mystikal Origins
Part II (to be read as an addition to that appearing in the First Valhalla Herald)
The chiefs thus united, it would not be for long. What was needed to bind them permanently was a common goal – that goal was announced: the conquest of all parts of the land. Brave, fearless Viking Berzerkers cried out their approval and two scouting parties were formed, named after the Gods of Old: Thor and Odin. War Commander UberKruX sent out these scouts, but before he did so, he gave each man his very own axe, and made him name it after a woman. UberKruX was a warrior, but he also had some sagely knowledge too, and he realized that without women, the boys in the band would need SOMEthing to keep them from feeling lonely. He suggested that, when they missed their fine Norse maidens, they take out their axes and leave the others to find a copse of trees and try for a bit of a whack
These scouts went forth in to the unexplored to seek out adventures about which Odes could be written, and perhaps, if they were lucky, peoples rife for the plundering, whilst the remainder had to content with building in boring little Asgard.
Soon, strangers were encountered: The Ottomans – an odd group wearing fancy clothes. The Berzerkers stared at this oddness – a good warrior needs only his scabby furs to keep warm, and to stay at the height of Viking chic. More, too - the Iroquois, a people with the same wanderlust in their souls as every red-blooded Viking. But they had no love of fighting, instead preferring to worship the very trees and mountains that furnish Viking warriors with the axes so critical to the personality of each one. The scouts continued their explorations, but resolved the Iroquois would one day have to fall under the hammer. Others were found – the Zulu Warriors, far from home themselves, in which a kindred sense of bloodlust was felt. Their troops’ strange formation of a line of warriors stretching for some distance into the wilderness was named after the young Zulu that spoke with the scouts - !Kon’chga – this odd formation became the “!Kon’chga line”.
It became clear that this land was populated by many – more than it seemed that it should be, for its size. This was only further confirmed with the discovery of the Celts, who too had much in common with the now-weary Berzerkers. But the weariness was not for long – the fancy pantsed Ottomans attacked us!
Such a strain was almost too much for the leader MrWhereItsAt, and his young protégé WhiteBandit took control. Times were dark as Asgard itself was besieged by Ottoman soldiers! WhiteBandit recalled the best warriors from the scouting mission, leaving the rest to continue their wanderings. The warriors made all the difference, shoring up defences in Asgard and preventing it’s sacking. Once the Ottomans were fleeing in dismay, Vikings everywhere bayed for blood – revenge would be ours! The Warriors assembled and under the leadership of those who had seen duty in the scouting missions, ventured forth to wreak a horrible plague of doom upon the Ottomans. Our enemy had established a city near our explored lands, and this was our first target. The battle was magnificent, and many Viking warriors ascended to join the gOdZ. Eventually, an untrained group of shovel and hoe wielders struck the final blow, and how the hordes laughed at the stuck-up Ottomans when they surrendered! The laughter only grew louder when an indemnity was paid for the trouble caused us by the Ottomans. There was little trouble ¡V indeed word of the fighting had reached home, and now many young Norsemen looked towards their eloquently coiffed neighbours with the gleam of conquest in their eyes. Yes, it was clear that the fire between the two lands was not over, just left smouldering¡K.
- MrWhereItsAt
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