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The Valhalla Herald: Volume II (2 parts, give me a minute)

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  • The Valhalla Herald: Volume II (2 parts, give me a minute)


    June 4, 1225 BC----Special thanks to Jonny for this weeks Letterhead

    A Changing of the Guard
    New Government takes office

    Since the dawn of time, the land of the Vikings had known nothing save for the stern ruling of the hand of MrWhereItsAt. His wise council had seen our humble beginnings expand into a mighty nation, our mighty armies defeat the Ottoman Empire in open combat, and our Nation grow to the forefront of the known world. The signs were slow to come at first, but come they did, and it was soon apparent that MrWhereItsAt was no longer suited to his role as leader. His steps were slower, his eyes were those of a weary soul, I suppose a few thousand years of governing will do that to you.

    As plans were underway to find a worthy replacement, though, a more disturbing trend manifested itself in the form of our Supreme Military Commander. Uber had indeed finally lost his mind all together. Where once a proud tactician, he had recently begun to speak nonsense claiming to be a witness to a mighty Rise of Nations. It had been known that Uber was prone to fits of madness ever since he ordered our warriors into the ranks of Ottoman spears, so not much concern was shown. Uber continued to slip into madness, however, joining in a cult that worshipped a god known as ICBM, a cult whose only fear seemed to be something known as an Armageddon timer. These new ravings began to worry many that were under his command, but the final straw came at a meeting with a delegate from Zululand. Uber launched into a tirade insisting that the Zulu be called the Bantu and claiming that they would overrun us with the power of migration, stating that this power embued the Zulu with the ability to breed more proficiently and field many more units than anyone else. As he was drug out of this meeting screaming something about upgrading our attrition research, it was obvious that the entire government was likely due for a refitting.

    GodKing stepped up to take his seat as the head of our government, a proud man looking to whip our nation back into shape after the raving psychotics had been dealt with. In a curious move, he appointed two men to be his Vice President, OPD and Octavian X. Some openly questioned the sanity of such a move, fearing that we were about to be subject to yet more mad behavior from our government. As I looked over the situation, though, I realized it to be an act of genius, not insanity. How could the VP plot an assassination or overthrow of the President if he was busy worrying of his own rival? Kloreep would continue to serve the nation, this time taking up as our Foreign Affairs Minister. BetaHound rose to take the challenge of overseeing our production as the Domestic Minister and dejon, a young man who had quickly risen through the ranks of the military took over for Uber as our Supreme Military Commander.

    - UnOrthOdOx

    Civil Disorder in Warrior’s Luck Breaks Up Really Good Party and Starts Better One
    By Historik Battleaxe

    WARRIOR’S LUCK, Tuesday. Partygoers in Warrior’s Luck were disturbed Thursday night by a rampaging horde of rioters in the city street last night, say public officials.

    “It was scary. I was munching on flugsvamp and taking a sip out of my deer horn when all the sudden we heard this shouting,” said Snorri Snarlgurgle, 24. “I have never been so frightened in my life as I was Thursday. They busted up a really good party, those filthy little…”

    Ottoman rioters stormed the city square, carrying placards reading ‘WEE R SMARTHER THEN UOO’ and ‘YOU FAT FATTIES’ as well as other offensive slogans aimed at the Viking populace. They apparently shouted, “Come on, get outta here! You got no business here! We got feelings too, you know! Hey! Where do you think you’s goin’? You’s only going back to Valhalla, buddy! Get off my land! Don’t make me angry…huff, huff…you won’t like me when I’m angry” as well as some racial epithets, like ‘Hairy Guy’, ‘Northman’ (even more offensive is the reduced version: ‘Norman’), ‘Wolf Coat’, ‘Lousy Patrol’, and ‘Extremely Bad Cheese Makers’.

    The riots started in the Ottoman districts and poorer areas of town. The triggering event was the kidnapping of an Ottoman’s Afghan Hound by a hungry Viking beggar. The Hound was rescued, but the Viking was smoked alive after having his ears ripped off with a pair of toothpicks. Such extremely cruel torture methods have made Turks infamous, says Mr. Harald Bloodtooth Killdamturk, head of the local warrior’s brigade.

    “They are incredibly vile, evil, wicked, evil, vile, wicked, evil, evil, vile, wicked people,” said Mr. Killdamturk.

    The angry mob started burning buildings left and right, moving into the lower class residential areas, and setting them aflame.

    “What they didn’t at first notice,” said Mr. Killdamturk, “is that the lower class residential area is also the Turkish Quarter.”

    As they watched their houses melt away in the flames, they began to wonder why they had made such a huge error.

    “They tried to cover their tracks, looking around nervously, walking in the opposite direction, humming, etc. It didn’t work; we knew that those morons had, in a rage, set their own houses on fire. So we stood there in the streets laughing at them.”

    The Ottomans, recognizing an extremely bad move on their part, walked away, and waited for a few hours before they began to rise up again, after they thought the initial embarrassment was over. Apparently, they felt even worse two mornings later when the drinks wore off.

    The mob moved towards the Viking district this time, busting up a really good party. Partygoers protested their eviction from the local Viking Flugclub to no avail.

    “One Turk said to me, ‘Look, I write novels, but I haven’t had any of them published yet, so I gotta warn you, I’m in a really baaad mood’”, said Mr. Snarlgurgle.

    The mob moved on towards the governor’s palace after a brief stop when some of the Ottomans accidentally immolated themselves.

    However, before they could wreak more havoc on the neighborhood, a portion of the population banded together and magically turned into an incredibly gorgeous Nordic entertainer, who was really, really tall.

    “Wow! Hurrah!” shouted the Ottomans as Miss Snorklet de Gargle stepped out onto the makeshift stage. A few Ottomans were so amazed that they dropped their torches on each other in dumbfounded amazement, illuminating the area for the performance.

    Miss de Gargle entertained the mob in various different…ways. Most popular were her own renditions of ‘Anything Goes’, ‘I’m the Laziest Girl in Town’, and ‘Roll out the Barrels of Hard Grog’.

    When the concert ended two days later, much of the town was burned out and all of the Ottomans were either dead drunk, or just dead.

    Miss de Gargle’s services were purchased by the Viking high command for use in times of war.

    - History Guy

    History of the Vikings
    As seen from the times of GK
    Part 2

    Part 3 to follow in the next installment of…
    The Viking Herald
    Part 2

    We began work immediately. Many of the hunters were out hunting, of course. We Vikings are a bloodthirsty lot. We like lots of fresh meet, and a large variety of it also. I suspect that if raw meet wasn’t so hard on the digestion, we never would cook it.

    As the hunters began coming back, I had them report directly to the new Barracks. Ghengas Farb was kinda upset about the whole arrangement, but I just told him to speak to UberKruX about it and, well, GF disappeared real quickly. Of course, later on I realized what a mistake it was having all the hunters report directly to the new Barracks.

    You see, none of them had the opportunity to take their catch to the markets and sell them. The people began getting upset that there was little or no fresh meat. (Even though WhiteBandit was claiming to be selling fresh meat, I think it was week old rat myself.) On top of that, the hunters found GF’s old Mead Cellar. Apparently, the workmen I had that remodeled his longhouse into the Barracks had overlooked it.

    Keeping a large number of men, with lots of fresh meat and a couple hundred casks of Mead, locked up in the Barracks doing something that they probably didn’t want to do was just a recipe for disaster. Just as they were tearing down the second wall for the BBQ, I was notified by runner of the situation.

    I was out at my sheep ranch, doing a final count on the lambing for this season when the runner arrived. Aaargh. When would Unortho be getting back? I had enough to do with my own chores. Next time, I will just run for president and get to boss everybody around. So back to town I went, running, in a panic. Drunken hunters…. Great.

    I was, however, saved from disaster from a most unexpected quarter. Panag, sensing the disaster about to unfold, and also sensing a hefty profit I suspect, had closed down his Whore House and Pancake Emporium. He sent all of his girls, along with more than a few sheep, over to the Barracks. The girls traded their services for all the meat and mead, and by the time I had arrived everything was calm. There was only one thing to deal with, and it was History Guys drunken cousin, Thag.

    The brute wanted to join up with the hunters. The hunters didn’t want to be around his smell. Said that it would give away their position to the enemy. Thag refused to bath, saying that it was against his religion. MWIA was trying to calm the situation, but was having no luck.

    At first, MWIA was going to just force him to bathe, religious nut or not. However, when it became known that Thag didn’t know how to even use a bow and arrow, and that the forces I was helping train for Uber were all going to be bowmen, well, that fell through. Then MWIA asked if GeneralTacticus could use Thag as a diplomat. Of course that idea was turned down quickly. Options were running out.

    The next morning when I went to work, MWIA was sitting behind Unortho’s desk. Oh great. Now what? “GK, I have two things to go over with you today. But before that, I just want to say thanks for sending all those people up north to Trondheim. Getting rid of all that riff raff was one of the best things we have ever done. Now, first thing, I just got a message from UnOrthOdOx. It seams that he will not be able to return in the near future. He wants to know if you are willing to take over for him on a full time basis. No, wait, don’t answer just yet. Second item, Thag. What shall we do with him? We need to get this guy something to do so that he will let everybody alone to do their jobs.”

    - GodKing

    Ode to the Viking People and An Account of Their Mystikal Origins

    Part II (to be read as an addition to that appearing in the First Valhalla Herald)

    The chiefs thus united, it would not be for long. What was needed to bind them permanently was a common goal – that goal was announced: the conquest of all parts of the land. Brave, fearless Viking Berzerkers cried out their approval and two scouting parties were formed, named after the Gods of Old: Thor and Odin. War Commander UberKruX sent out these scouts, but before he did so, he gave each man his very own axe, and made him name it after a woman. UberKruX was a warrior, but he also had some sagely knowledge too, and he realized that without women, the boys in the band would need SOMEthing to keep them from feeling lonely. He suggested that, when they missed their fine Norse maidens, they take out their axes and leave the others to find a copse of trees and try for a bit of a whack

    These scouts went forth in to the unexplored to seek out adventures about which Odes could be written, and perhaps, if they were lucky, peoples rife for the plundering, whilst the remainder had to content with building in boring little Asgard.

    Soon, strangers were encountered: The Ottomans – an odd group wearing fancy clothes. The Berzerkers stared at this oddness – a good warrior needs only his scabby furs to keep warm, and to stay at the height of Viking chic. More, too - the Iroquois, a people with the same wanderlust in their souls as every red-blooded Viking. But they had no love of fighting, instead preferring to worship the very trees and mountains that furnish Viking warriors with the axes so critical to the personality of each one. The scouts continued their explorations, but resolved the Iroquois would one day have to fall under the hammer. Others were found – the Zulu Warriors, far from home themselves, in which a kindred sense of bloodlust was felt. Their troops’ strange formation of a line of warriors stretching for some distance into the wilderness was named after the young Zulu that spoke with the scouts - !Kon’chga – this odd formation became the “!Kon’chga line”.

    It became clear that this land was populated by many – more than it seemed that it should be, for its size. This was only further confirmed with the discovery of the Celts, who too had much in common with the now-weary Berzerkers. But the weariness was not for long – the fancy pantsed Ottomans attacked us!

    Such a strain was almost too much for the leader MrWhereItsAt, and his young protégé WhiteBandit took control. Times were dark as Asgard itself was besieged by Ottoman soldiers! WhiteBandit recalled the best warriors from the scouting mission, leaving the rest to continue their wanderings. The warriors made all the difference, shoring up defences in Asgard and preventing it’s sacking. Once the Ottomans were fleeing in dismay, Vikings everywhere bayed for blood – revenge would be ours! The Warriors assembled and under the leadership of those who had seen duty in the scouting missions, ventured forth to wreak a horrible plague of doom upon the Ottomans. Our enemy had established a city near our explored lands, and this was our first target. The battle was magnificent, and many Viking warriors ascended to join the gOdZ. Eventually, an untrained group of shovel and hoe wielders struck the final blow, and how the hordes laughed at the stuck-up Ottomans when they surrendered! The laughter only grew louder when an indemnity was paid for the trouble caused us by the Ottomans. There was little trouble ¡V indeed word of the fighting had reached home, and now many young Norsemen looked towards their eloquently coiffed neighbours with the gleam of conquest in their eyes. Yes, it was clear that the fire between the two lands was not over, just left smouldering¡K.

    - MrWhereItsAt
    Last edited by UnOrthOdOx; June 4, 2003, 09:40.
    One who has a surplus of the unorthodox shall attain surpassing victories. - Sun Pin
    You're wierd. - Krill

    An UnOrthOdOx Hobby

  • #2
    Some terms useful for people interested in Norse Mythology, in no particular order:
    • Einheriar – The dead hero’s who dwell in Valhalla.
    • Asgard – the home of the Aesir, or those gods who are descended from Odin.
    • Valkyries – Female spirits who take the Einheriar to Odin hall of Valhalla in Asgard.
    • Ragnarok – The end of the world. A time when the Giants and the gods battle each other, destroying each other except for a few of the good benevolent gods who will survive and create a paradise.
    • Aesir – those gods who come from Odin, Vili and Ve’s line.
    • Vanir – Gods of the air, akin to Odin but not of Odin. Friends of the good gods, they generally ignore mortals.
    • Jotunheim – Land of the Giants adjacent to Gladsheim.
    • Gladsheim – the land of the gods. A fertile plane where Asgard is.
    • Odin – the All Father, God of the Gallows
    • Gungir – Odin’s magic spear
    • Draupnir – Odin’s magic ring
    • Hlidskialf – Odin’s throne, located at his hall of Valaskialf
    • Odin’s Halls – Gladshelf, Valaskialf & Valhalla
    • Odin’s wolves – Freke & Gere
    • Odin’s ravens – Hugin & Munin (thought and memory)
    • Odin’s 8 legged horse – Sleipner
    • Aegir – God of storms and Seas
    • Balder – God of beauty
    • Bragi – God of song and poetry
    • Fenris – Wolf hound. Son of Loki. Very evil.
    • Fjalar – Dwarven Hero and Battlemaster
    • Forseti – God of justice, son of Balder.
    • Forseti’s Hall – Glitner
    • Fossergrim – Waterfall spirit, Male. They mate with maidens who go to the falls to bathe. Their offspring are always male, who upon reaching maturity go forth and find a waterfall of their own.
    • Frey – Vanir, God of Sunshine and Elves. Son of Njord & Skadi.
    • Skidbloudnir – Frey’s ship
    • Blodug-Hofi – Frey’s horse
    • Gullin-Bursti – Frey’s golden Boar
    • Alfheim – Fairyland – Home of Frey
    • Skirnir – Shield man, protector of Frey
    • Freya – Goddess of Love and Fertility, who likes to disguise herself as a falcon. Leader of the Valkyries and twin sister of Frey.
    • Brisingamen – Magic necklace of Freya, that glows when a lie is told in its presence.
    • Frigga – Wife of Odin, goddess of the atmosphere.
    • Garm – Giant sized wolfhound that guards the gates of Hel. Has a wonderful treasure of the numerous mortals and gods who tried to bring the dead back into the land of the living, and died trying.
    • Heimdal – guardian of the Bifrost bridge, constantly tormented by Loki for doing his duty.
    • Hofud – Heimdal’s sword.
    • Gjaller – Heimdal’s horn. One pitch lets people know of oncoming visitors. Another warns of the giants approaching the land of Gladsheim and of the beginning of Ragnarok.
    • Bifrost bridge – the rainbow bridge that connects Gladsheim to everywhere else.
    • Hel – Evil goddess of Death. Her right side is all black, her left is all white. The white side has no face, just appears to be a porcelain mask. Daughter of Loki and sister of Jormungandr and Fenris.
    • Idun – Goddess of Spring and youth. Guards the apples of eternal youth. Wife of Bragi.
    • Jormungandr – World serpent. A serpent so large is wraps around the world. The Norns have predicted that only Thor will be able to kill it in the times of Ragnarok, but he will die due to the beast’s venom in doing so.
    • Loki – God of Mischief, strife and fire.
    • Magni – God of strength, son of Thor
    • Modi – God of Courage and Berserker Rage. Thor’s son.
    • Norns – Goddesses of Fate, named Urd, Verdandi & Skuld. They guard Yggdrasil.
    • Yggdrasil – the tree of life.
    • Sif – Goddess of Excellence and Skill in Battle – Thor’s wife
    • Surtur – Giant, lord of those who embrace fire and heat.
    • Thor – God of Thunder.
    • Mjolnir – Thor’s Hammer.
    • Thor’s Goats – Tanngrishir & Tanngjost.
    • Thrym – Giant, lord of those who embrace winter and cold.
    • Tyr – God of War and Law. He lost his right hand to Fenris as the dwarves tied him up.
    • Uller – God of Hunting, Archery and Winter. He has lost power as Odin has gained it.
    • Vidar – Son of Odin, god of Strength and Silence.


    - GodKing

    Letters to the Editor



    UnOrthOdOx,

    gah... I say stop with this LITARCY thing, and these odd talks on ´´writing´´ and ´´reading´´... this is no good for a warrior... if Odin meant for us to read books he´d have had women dress with ´em...

    - Nuclear Winter

    Dear Nuclear Winter,

    While I am sure that there is many a warrior echoing your cry, allow me to explain the purpose of reading and writing to you:

    When Odin created the Vikings, he gave unto us a warrior’s heart that is true. We do indeed delight in the ways of warfare, however, Odin also gave unto the Vikings a poet’s soul. What good is a victory, I ask of you, if there is no one to hear telling of it? What good are the feats of war if there is no one to take joy in their telling?

    Reading and writing allow for us to make a far more permanent record of such feats of war and allow the Vikings to share their poet’s soul. By writing something down, it also prevents such perversions of the truth that tend to occur when a story is left only to telling and retelling. It was just the other night, in fact, that I heard a telling of our hero Thag and how he slew 3 regiments of Ottoman spears. While certainly an enjoyable story, we know the truth thanks to the story begin written down originally, free of such drunken exaggeration.

    As to having women dress in the paper…for a small fee, I am sure we can arrange something to your liking with your subscription…

    We thank you for your comments, and hope you continue to help us make the Valhalla Herald a better paper

    Sincerely,
    UnOrthOdOx
    Cheif Editor of The Valhalla Herald



    UnOrthOdOx,

    What can you write for the Herald?

    - Nuclear Master

    Dear Nuclear Master,

    We here at the Herald are pretty liberal, allowing nearly anything to be submitted. You can write anything you wish as long as it does not violate the rules of Apolyton. Also, we put up a sign up thread before each edition goes out, feel free to speak up and take one of the 'assigned' articles there, or make up one of your own. In any event, articles should be delivered to me via PM or E-mail @ SirUlias@AOL.com. Anyone expressing an interest in submissions is notified of the deadline (which is always pretty relaxed) through PM.

    We thank you for you interest and hope to be publishing some of your works in the future.

    Sincerely,
    UnOrthOdOx
    Cheif Editor of the Valhalla Herald
    Last edited by UnOrthOdOx; June 4, 2003, 14:43.
    One who has a surplus of the unorthodox shall attain surpassing victories. - Sun Pin
    You're wierd. - Krill

    An UnOrthOdOx Hobby

    Comment


    • #3
      Brilliant!
      Empire growing,
      Pleasures flowing,
      Fortune smiles and so should you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Good work.
        meet the new boss, same as the old boss

        Comment


        • #5
          edit - been added above, so I deleted it. Thanks Unortho.
          Last edited by GodKing; June 4, 2003, 16:07.
          If you're interested in participating in the first Civ 5 Community Game then please visit: http://www.weplayciv.com/forums/forum.php

          Comment


          • #6
            oh ya, good paper. Thanks all.
            If you're interested in participating in the first Civ 5 Community Game then please visit: http://www.weplayciv.com/forums/forum.php

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks GK,

              That actually was auto deleted from my E-mail after the week of me having no connection...let me edit it in for submission with the E-mail version... Ah, there, just a minor format edit.
              Last edited by UnOrthOdOx; June 4, 2003, 14:44.
              One who has a surplus of the unorthodox shall attain surpassing victories. - Sun Pin
              You're wierd. - Krill

              An UnOrthOdOx Hobby

              Comment


              • #8
                Great job as usual, UnOrthO.
                I'm sorry, I couldn't contribute in this excellent issue. But I'm a lucky guy, I explained my RL requests to my Editor and he was very patient... And I say to you, folks, there's no such kind of editors in RL... UnOrthOdOx is unique.
                Btw, a little announcement: I'll be absent for two or three weeks (maybe observing a little, not much more), I have many things to finish. It's my intent to recriate the Geographic Society as soon as I come back. And the cartoons, naturally. See you, folks.
                RIAA sucks
                The Optimistas
                I'm a political cartoonist

                Comment


                • #9
                  Ahhh, the fun of the Herald...

                  If ONLY it came in mega-size printed Sunday edition. I'd d never look at another paper again.
                  Consul.

                  Back to the ROOTS of addiction. My first missed poll!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Aro
                    And I say to you, folks, there's no such kind of editors in RL... UnOrthOdOx is unique.
                    Nah, just here on Poly. In RL Im pretty brutal about getting things done. Then again, I only have myself to blame if they don't in RL, too...

                    Im just being far more relazed about this paper, even from the JG days, and having more fun with it as a result.

                    Besides, you have some exciting things happening!
                    One who has a surplus of the unorthodox shall attain surpassing victories. - Sun Pin
                    You're wierd. - Krill

                    An UnOrthOdOx Hobby

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Great work, and thank you all for the contributions.

                      Nice header as well.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Another fine edition, UnOrthO!

                        Maybe someday I'll find the time to submit a story... (or maybe just another heading )

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by UnOrthOdOx [*]Frigga – Wife of Odin, goddess of the atmosphere.
                          So after a bad day at home, Odin complains about his old Frigga'n lady?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I can relate with the poor, demented Uber. I, too have been afflicted with the Rise of Nations syndrome and have been splitting my time between 20-30 hour Civ3 games and 4-12 hour games in the land of RoN.

                            Comment

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