christmas quotes?

[Urban Ranger]

"Ho, ho, ho. Now I have a submachine gun."

- <em>Diehard</em>

[tonic]

I got a risque joke in the unsolicited mail which had some Christmas reference. It's rather funny but would that be quotable here?

[UltraSonix]

Post and ask question later.



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No, in Australia we don't live with kangaroos and koalas in our backyards... Despite any stupid advertisments you may see to the contrary... (And no, koalas don't usually speak!)

[Snapcase on Snapcase]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah.

Clark W. Griswold

[Iain Lindley]

"Scrooge wasn't a bad guy - he was just misunderstood"

[Legman]

LOL @ Snapcase. You had some good ones earlier also.

How 'bout

It's Christmas in Heaven,
All the children sing,
It's Christmas in Heaven,
Hark hark those church bells ring.

It's Christmas in Heaven,
The snow falls from the sky,
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven,
There's great films on TV...
'The Sound of Music' twice an hour
And 'Jaws' I, II and III.

There's gifts for all the family,
There's toiletries and trains...
There's Sony Walkman
Headphone sets
And the latest video games!

Now can anyone tell where it's from?

[Snapcase on Snapcase]

The Meaning of Life. I still think it'd be too long to put on a transit page, but good nonetheless.

[Legman]

Correct indeed. Maybe just the third verse could be considered? Seems to apply to every Christmas I can remember.

[Dr.Oogkloot]

How about anti-Christmas quotes?

[Builder]

yes! yes! yes!

[Lefty Scaevola]

per above requests:

"Holidays are often overrated disturbances of routine, costly and uncomfortable, and they usually need another holiday to correct their ravages." E V Lucas

"Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the dejected." Jimmy Cannon

"Next to a circus, ther ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the christmas spirit." Kin Hubbard.

"Christmas, F..k it." Lefty Scrooge Scaevola

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Gaius Mucius Scaevola Sinistra
Pontificator Pendanticus
older richer & wiser than you
<font size=1 face=Arial color=444444>[This message has been edited by Lefty Scaevola (edited December 03, 2000).]</font>

[Snapcase on Snapcase]

I suggest taking White, Leno and SilverDragon as the three quotes.

[Mercantile]

How about "sh!t i am too fat for the chimney" or "$#%$#%$ slumlords could at least clean the chimney once a year"

[Dave Boshko]

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
[Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"]


"The Santa myth is one of the most effective means ever
devised for intimidating children, eroding their self-
esteem, twisting their behavior, warping their values,
and slowing their development of critical thinking skills."
[Tom Flynn, _The Trouble with Christmas_]

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Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
http://www.toyvault.com/Cthulhu/Cthulhu%20Plush%20White%20Background-web2.jpg

[Imran Siddiqui]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.


Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa ****head, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"



And that's as Christmasy as I get... Bah Humbug!