The Recycling Tanks

[Jamski]

This thread is for putting funny things in. All humourous pictures, links, stories, jokes, drunken ramblings etc will be accepted by the Special Commission for Humour. Also open for any other kind of rubbish that people might want to post. Who knows, this is a private forum moderated by Voltaire, so maybe he'll let us post p0rn and \/\/@R3z, not that the Party knows anything about that, but there are benefits to being a member of the Peoples' Advisory Council... BLACKMARKET GOODS and CORRUPTION.

Yummy

Also we need to nominate a "Hive Babe of the Month" who will be featured in PRAVDA on page 3.

-Comrade Jam

[Jamski]

In Soviet army a soldier sneezes during the roll call.
"Who sneezed? asks the commander.
No one answers. Therefore the commander says:
"Shoot the first row!" First row falls down dead.
"Who sneezed?" asks the commander again.
Again no one answers.
"Shoot the scond row!" Second row falls down dead.
"Who sneezed?"
The soldier is no longer able to resist and says:
"Me."
The commander answers:
"Bless you!"

-Jam

[Jamski]

Once upon a time Brezhnev says during a press conference:
"Comrades journalists, I must tell you, these time-zones, these are a global problem. Recently, I wanted to talk to Indira about the uprisings in East India. I called her and, what the hell, she was in the bath... A blunder, really. And another one: I'm returning from lunch and say to myself: Call Ronald and settle that rocket stuff. But it was half past five in the morning in America and he was asleep. He was so upset that I rather didn't mention the rockets. Or I called the Pope in Rome to ask how did he feel, an hour after the assassination attempt. And it was only an hour before it....."

-Jam

[Jamski]

This is a good 'un

Little John comes home from is first day of school.
"So what was it like?" asks his father.
"Fine," admits the pupil, "I understood everything the teacher had said. But still I don't get what is that socialism. Could you explain it to me, dad?"
"Humanely? For you to understand? So, look: Once there was a big man, well, in fact, he was rather short than big and his name was Lenin. Originally his name wasn't Lenin, but Uljanov. And this Uljanov had a friend, actually he wasn't his friend, he was a scoundrel and is name was Stalin. Well, I say Stalin, but his name was Dzugashvili. And these two friends made the October Revolution. Actually, it wasn't a real revolution, it was a putsch and it wasn't in October but in November...."
Little Johnie shakes his head and says:
"Jesus, that's a right mess!!!"
"Great," says his father, "so you got it."

-Jam

[Jamski]

Russian Trains

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.

Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it."

Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it."

Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.

Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.

"Now. I tell you the train is moving."

-Jam

[Jamski]

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

-Jam

[Static Universe]

A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."

[Static Universe]

A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook.
"Do you have sausage?"
"No."
He makes a note.
"Bread?"
"No."
He makes another note.

"20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line.

"No bullets either," he writes.

[Vev]

Some of you may have seen this. I also have an extra entry for Enron once I've found it.

FEUDALISM
=========
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
==============
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take
care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
======================
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
=======
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you
to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
==============
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
=================
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
===================
You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
============
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
==============
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
========================
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
===========
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it
pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one,
milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
PURE ANARCHY
============
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
===============================
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
==========
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.

[Static Universe]

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

[Jamski]

Now that I like

-Jam

[Static Universe]

Hive probe teams have finally returned with our first confirmed intelligence on the Pirates. They will be dangerous foes indeed.

[Jamski]

Look out for the Fusion Carrot Busters growing in the box ?!?!?

-Jam

[Static Universe]

Originally posted by War of Art
Look out for the Fusion Carrot Busters growing in the box ?!?!?

No, no, Bugs is teaching the Pirates how to exploit a nutrient resource.

[Gnool]

What do you get when you cross the head of the Hive secret police and Tiger Woods?

Someone who plays golf whenever they want!

or

Someone who wins a game of golf by shooting everyone!

or

The perfect golfer, ruined by the capitalist marketeering and inferior golf skills of Tiger Woods!

or

Someone who endorses sweat-shop labour and then shoots everyone!

or

Someone who says "pass me my nine iron" but instead of actually playing golf just shoots everyone!

(I made them up, they're barely jokes they're so terrible)