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Editorial:
This is special Issue that will bring you news upon events following the end of Cybernetic Consciousness as indenpendent faction when PUT merged with CyCon to form CPU. Most of the Issue is dedicated to it, but there are other regular sections too. Also we want to remind you that this are the only democratic paper on Chiron, and official newspaper of CPU.
The birth of CPU, most powerfull faction in history!
As you know, our two respectable factions have united into a two part federal faction. PUT and CyCon remain as two factions, but they are clearly just federal states or factions in our superfaction body. Old names can be used, but only when designating part of the faction.
Our new name, decided on a democratically founded referendum is CPU! Outside readers of this newspaper
must note a few things: first, the acronym CPU has many meanings all most of them are in use. Therefore, Cybernetic Planetary University is correct, but also is Conscious Planet University as is Consciousness Planetary University. It may be difficult for outside readers to understand (especially Hive drones), but addresing CPU will be correct and everyone will understand you. Second, our new goverment is also called CPU - Central Processing Unit. Its organisation have been changed as there are also new positions.
Our government has reformed to be more efficient now when CyCon is gone and CPU born. Several new positions have been introduced. Now there are separate positions for CyCon and PUT domestic affairs. Impaler has been chosen for both positions. Prime Function is Mani-Alpha-3. Military Function is Geo- Beta-2 and Second Function is Kassad-Omicron-9. Foreign affairs is handled by Drogue. And in totally unexpected turn of events, Obstructor-Omicron-9 has became part of government as Information Function.
The war with PEACE continues within predicted successpercentages.
Although the reoccuring space time continuum breeches have lowered the total victory percentage with 37.5629 % (assimilation of all PEACE members), the victory percentage is now calculated at a near perfect 98.8961 % (assimilation of all PEACE bases).
After an unfortunate incident in the Hive embassy (the ambassador was accidently nerve-stapled by testing such a newly developed CPU device for trading purposes), and then replacement ambassador has also been nervestapled, twice , the Hive has decided to abandon the pact with CPU for the time being.
Regrettable as this incident is, we hope we can continue to cooperate with the Hive.
CPU wishes ambassadors Jamski and HongHu a swift recovery and no noteworthy brain-damage as a result of his fullhuman curiosity.
Tassadar destroys all of CyCon!
After a serious dispute between Kassad and our Lord Tass, Tass in demonstration of power leveled all CyCon bases. Tens of thousands Cyborgs died, and we were practically eradicated. While being in hell, a team of delegates led by Obstructor-Omicron-Nine and Mani-Alpha-3 managed to persuade Tass into restoring CyCon into existence. Most of Cyborgs are feeling relifed, as they were supposed to burn in Hell for
the rest of eternity. Public support for government has skyrocketed to 100 percent after this, and percentage of Tass believers has risen to 89 percent.
Several prominent scientists from PUT cooperating with CyCon ones have concluded that meddling with space time continuum is not wise, even if you are God. However their conclusions are not supported as Tass`s tenth commandment clearly says he is the wisest being in universe. After much consideration, we have decided to create a regular section where wrath of our Lord Tass will be recorded,as it is now happening almost on a regular basis.
We also have some more disturbing news: look what Tassadar has done to Tower of Babel, our Secret Project,:
The work of our Lord Tass
Since last Issue Tassadar has obliterated all CyCon bases, turned 3D Offices into a smoking ruin (this is the reason why the new Issue was late), turned our war reporter into a horny naked organic, taught CyberGorillas to breakdance, disrupted communication between CPU members and got drunk in Rec Commons, then frozen 3D Offices in time and finally forced Drogue-Beta-8 to be reborn.
A report from the PEACE front by GeoModder
This year CPU unified forces have established a strategic important spearpoint on the PEACE island west of Liar's Lair. Next to a surprise assault on (Henry) Morgan's Boat, merely providing distraction for PEACE benefit, has a large contingent of CPU troops landed near and occupied a shrine devoted to our Grand Lord Tassadar, deity of Chiron, Destroyer of Bases and Spammer Above All. The heiden pirates, since long ignoring the 10 Commandments of our Supreme Lord, were completely token by surprise on the attack at (Henry) Morgan's Boat and by trying to retake this insignificant base left the land surrounding Little Accident (and therefore the Shrine) undefended and open for what future historians will undoubtedly call the PEACE Accident. Glory to TassGod, who smiled upon and blessed this endeavour by willing it to succeed.
As with the assimilation of Liar's Lair, PEACE resistance can still come from uncalculable directions. While this time a barque and scout patrol were easily overcome with the newest battlecry02.exe (efficiently enhanced by sonar transmitters for the benefit of the barque), a probe team disguised as a former unit responded with roaring noises of its own, appearantly was the spying crew not capable of a proper response to the battlecry transmission by it's own noisy departure. A rapid interceptor squad, realising that an escape meant the exposure of our newest weapon, overtook them and had to destroy these since they showed no signs of willingness to assimilate. Taking no risk with this new PEACE tactic, High Command ordered the elimination of several other seemingly helpless units in the area around (Henry) Morgan's Boat.
The next assault will most likely be a live event again since this observer injuries of the last assimilation have healed and the new implants fully integrated by now.
Deeeespiteeee theeee experieee[static] of anotheeeer spaceeee timeeee [static]inuum breeeeach on the Shrineeee of Tassa[static] our forceeees weeeereeee ableeee to assi[static]eeee Littleeee Accideeeent [static]hout problee[static][end transmission]
The following item was received from 3DEF-link with HQ.
StartTransmission 86398-34 13:56-23-2157
From: TF 34-1
To: CPU-MAF
At 05:34, day 23 MY 2157 the assimilation of PEACE target designation P-7 is completed.
Losses were 16.7156 % higher then calculated due to following reasons:
- unmapped sensor array on the isle.
- PEACE resistance in the woodlands surrounding target P-7
- destruction of an upload unit in target P-7 by a newly assimilated cyborg (random error integration)
Unit morale has risen with 2 ranks due to these reasons.
- upload of a partial PEACE garrison in Marine Division 3
- assault experience with PEACE resistance in forementioned woodlands
Task Force is currently replacing and repairing losses in preparation of target P-9 assimilation.
EndTransmission 86398-34 13:57-23-2157
***Following item just came in from war reporter*** GeoModder
Total elimination of Calico defenses by our cruisers was done prior to our taking of the base, but disappearances are reported among the civilian population.
According to Calico governor records, a colony pod was dispatched to Yardarm Island before our forces were within reach. According to the fleet commander will this not noteworthy delay the conclusion of PEACE assimilation.
PEACE claims that they are not being defeated - on the contrary they are conquering CPU!
To show that we treat all news reports equally, we give you this bit of PEACE broadcast from their Captain of Information. We have cut out all the "Arghhh!"s,
"Shiver me timbers"s and "I am so drunk"s.
We are not being defeated! Our victorious Pirate troops enter one Cyborg city after another! Just recently
Apolyton Prime has fallen under our control! Glory to Pirates! [large unsettling sounds including shouts "death to Cyborgs",
"Do their women have beards?", "Long live Hercules", sound of breaking glass, loud burping, throwing up and someone falling
into the sea]
We will continue to ravage their homes, pillage their cities, kill their children and u****** on their graves!
-Why do we not rape their women?-
You fool! We will continue with that part when we reach University part if we found some bearded woman! We do not want to stick
our ******* into strange sockets! One of us almost got fried! And we bring you spoils of war - look!
[large plastic head is shown] It is head of Drogue!
-This looks like a childs toy to [sounds of serious beating up and screaming for help]-
Power to the Pirates! Death to CPU and Hive!
-Why Hive?-
Urm I do not known, because we need to hate someone else? Maybe Angels?
Complete government has rejected this PEACE broadcast as truthful. Drogue himself laughed when he heard it, which is probably consequence of the apsurdity of the news and not the fact that Drogue just finished tasting all the drinks (
) We in 3D just wonderwhere are the so called undefeatable Pirate troops? We certainly haven`t seen them pillaging around here. Even in their former capital which is under our control. PEACE are just an example of terrible inefficiency of organics.
Also all physical similarities with the Hive information minister are said to be accidental (by both of recently nervestapled Hive ambassadors).
Is Tassadar actually a Hiverian plot for worldwide domination?
We all know that 18th century French philosopher and writer Voltaire once said: "If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him". Later on Chiron, Voltaire starts his Hive faction, whose name is curiously identical to those of the philosopher one. Later Tassadar, a member of Voltaires faction, gets expelled and becomes later a God. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It is most likely that Voltaire created a God to ensure worldwide communism. Hive does not have it`s own temple of Tassadar but yet it hasn`t been destroyed once! I give you this proof, submitted by Tassadar himself:
As we can see, Tassadar is actually a failed Hive world domiantion product. And it would be best for us to stop worshipping him.... hey where did that lightning come from? The sky is clear and.. AIGHHHHHHHH [burning flesh sounds] [end transmission]
Funeral for this unbeliever will be held after we drop him in the recycling tanks
Procreation stimulation section
Greet our newest recruiting officer: Seven of Nine!
Business section
In a shocking turn of events, CyCon institutes free market, reallowing free trade and liberalisation. Economy and lab output skyrockets while industrial capacity suffers a minor setback. Factionwide increasing efficiency also reduces discontiment through all bases. Due to this change we now present you a business section to cover the news in our new free market system.
Boolean Broadcasting Channel (BBC) and Cybernetic News Network (CNN) and Acta Binaria Channel (ABC) have merged with 3D Offices. This has made Obstructor a media monopolist, since he not only edits, but owns a large share of3D.
Economical analysis confirmed that he is the richest cyborg/function in all of CPU, and probably on Chiron. It is believed that 3D Offices recent moving to a new location is somehow connected to this fact. Some are suspicious how did he get so rich in a planned economy, but some suspect revenue from Claire-Jamski tapes.
Internal Function has already suggested that 3D Offices are scrapped and recycled for its estimated value of 3200 credits (interfactional megacredits), but Obstructor declined claiming that news are more worth than just a petty sum of credits. He also supposably said something about squads of CyberGorillas and dark corners, but this is yet unconfirmed.
Entertainment section
"Three engineers, Hive, Drone and CPU one, were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The Drone engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Free Drone Republic, we are taught to be extremely thorough.`
The Hive engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, `At Hive, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.`
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, `At CPU we don`t urinate on our hands.`"
Once again, applause for our talented joketeller.exe!
3D-Link Television Guide
Tonight on BBC (Boolean Broadcasting Channel) - a shocking story about non-bearded Pirate girl being rejected by her societyuntil CPU liberation. Later on, a story about successful integration of PUT and CC research elements leading to discovery of Planet Busting Technology, which led to completion of our first Planet Buster.
On OES (Obstructor Entertainment Station) we prepare you many fun shows: Star Trek reruns, Stargate reruns, a new episode of Psi Files, also Procreation and the Base whole night maraton, with the latest reality show: War with PEACE - vote for base you want to be obliterated! Also from movies we offer you Matrix 17: Retribution, Terminator 4: Rise of CPU, and the latest sequel in award winning James Beta serial: Assimilate Another Day with Impaler as James Beta!
The Philosophical Corner
After a few 3D Issues without them, the 3D Editorial Office presents a new edition of the Philosophical Corner. In this Issue our Prime Function Mani Alpha-3 discusses the political, philosophical and theological consequences of our recent change towards a free market economy:
As you have read in this 3D Issue PEACE has once again been heavily defeated in battle, losing two bases this year: The war against PEACE has now almost come to its conclusion. And with that an era in our history on Chiron. Thus minds started to ponder about our future after PEACE’s defeat; the question arose what road to follow next.
There were scientific studies, lengthy and rational debates between many cyborgs, massive computer simulations by Athena, and so on. But finally we have reached a conclusion on what course to follow: On Mission Date 21570223 the Collective Assembly, the parliament of the Consciousness, officially accepted a series of laws liberalizing our economy. We have moved more towards an economic type called a “free market”.
This may look odd at first to any rational thinking human, especially since the Consciousness due to its telepathic bonds, collective consciousness etcetera, will always be the most communalist faction of all on Planet. And after all, it is more efficient to work with each other to achieve one common goal instead of competing against each other, such as in a free market. However the problem is that despite our advanced scientific methods we cannot predict a full 100% the results of our actions, and thus determine what is the most efficient action to reach a chosen goal.
Therefore it is rational not to dedicate all our resources and talents on the same project, just in case the project decided on by the Collective Assembly might not be the most efficient one after all to reach a certain goal. Instead we now allow individual citizens, or groups of citizens, to start “cooperatives” - a nineteenth century socialist invention - to test things (technologies, products…) out on their own, determine their efficiency, and bring them on the market to test what other cyborgs think of them. By the processes of competition and trial-and-error it would become clear what cooperative is most efficient and provides the best product and service. The methods of that cooperative will then be generalized to the whole faction, and the members of that cooperative will be rewarded and get a higher social status within the Consciousness.
It is of course true that besides many successful cooperatives there will be some failures. Those will waste precious resources that could otherwise have been spent on more useful projects. During the PEACE war we could not afford any precious resources spent on free cooperative experiments that had an unknown chance of success. Thus the Collective controlled all resources centrally. But now that is no longer the case, and it has been calculated that the surge in creativity inherent to a free cooperative market system will more than make up for the slight decrease in industry.
Due to the Fullhuman’s inherent need for categorization, many economists will from now on call us a “free market”. However it should be pointed out that we cannot be equalled to free market economies such as the USA on Old Earth. We still have and will always have a strong government providing free education, health care, public transport, cybernetic implants, datalink access, etcetera.
Also on Old Earth greed and personal profit was the motive for many humans in a free market. This is not the case for cyborgs. Since we share a collective consciousness, what is the good for the individual, is good for the whole collective; and what is good for the collective, is good for every individual cyborg. We perform our duty not for greed, but because we realize that our efforts will contribute to the common good of both ourselves and the Consciousness.
All this proves that we have not forgotten Lord Tassadar’s Sixth Commandment “Thou shalt dedicate thyself to communism, thy belief system of your Lord Tassadar”. We are still Children of the Garden of Eden of Communism, and will strive to further Lord Tassadar’s cause on Chiron.
Special announcement: because we now institute Free Market do not be surprised if you see large fireballs coming out from the skies, earthquakes, floods, volcano eruptions, Locusts of Tassadar and such, since we predicted that Tassadar will destroy CPU yet again with 89.678 percentage. We certainly hope that God will read philosophical section before he undertakes any faction destroying action.
you should have seen that coming
You shall taste my wrath 
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