Diplogame HOTW XII Ragnarok - Story Thread

[OzzyKP]

[Diplo Mongolia]

Required reading: Letter to the Chairman of the Bureucratic Committee of the Communist Confederacy of Mongolia from the Prime Minister of Ottoman and reply. Published in the Runan'Gee Standard, official newsletter of the governing committee
-Regarding negotiations and alliance and the road to war.



To Koba Vitharin

The Ottoman people are under threat from a number of Great Powers, and cannot face these threats alone. Holland has proved to be a trusted and reliable friend and the Ottoman people remember their friends and the help received in past times while threatened by others. We are glad that the greatest of the Powers is our closest friend and rejoice in the progress our friend is making.
We would rather that a friend who values freedom dominates this world rather than another power which limits freedoms, particularly economic freedoms and political freedoms which we value.
Therefore we reject your overtures and forward you offensive correspondence on to the people of Holland.
Prime Minister Abdul Alladin




Reply to Prime Minister Abdul Alladin:

Your doggish loyalty is not unexpected, for surely a cowardly nation such as your own would ever seek to hide under the legs of one more mighty rather than display any courage or ambition of your own. Your cowardice is as despicable as your folly. Mongolia offers a hand in friendship and instead you strike down our offer of peace and furthermore, add insult to injury by denouncing our freedoms. You are of course correct, Mongolia has limitations on Economic Freedom. No Mongolian need ever starve, because he cannot afford bread. This is part of the "tyranny" we enforce. No Mongolian need ever beg for work or handouts. No Mongolian need suffer illness that can be cured, simply because he has not the means to hire a doctor. In Mongolia these basic necessities for human life and prosperity are guaranteed freely to every man, woman, child and horse. Of course we cannot accept "economic freedom" as you call it, for it is merely the absence of control of the mighty. Your economic freedom means the poverty of hundreds of thousands, the exploitation of the unpriviligied. In no way will we accept this injustice to exist in our own lands, and your insult shames your own people who live as veritable slaves to your landlords and factory owners. But the straw that has broken the camel's back is your repugnant act of forwarding missives of confidential diplomacy to a foreign party.

Your client-state relationship to your "friend" is most pathetic, seeming more like that of a sheep and shepherd, than men of equal status. May the heavens rain fire on your cowardliness and the earth swallow your pitiful nation. For we have a saying in our lands, he who dare not challenge fate is doomed to its whim. Your nation has less daring than a beaten dog. We wish no further contact with your weakling, city-culture.

-Note that any Ottoman not willing to swear loyalty to the Communist Confederacy of Mongolia will be expelled, and any Ottoman official who would try to enter our borders will be shot on sight.


-Condescendingly yours
Chairman Koba Vitharin.

[Diplo Ottoman]

During the early days of occupation of Tours, as the Dutch officers in the Ottoman corps enjoy themselves.

The Ottoman army fought their own battles, there was no assistance from any other nation, none in technology, none in training, none in leadership, none in mercenaries. This propaganda and lies will only increase hatred and distrust between our peoples, not decrease tensions.

[Diplo Ottoman]

The Mongolian armies have been mobilized, they are on the borders of Ankara and gave the Ottoman people a choice of surrender to the Mongol armies and submit to their rule or suffer the consequences.
The Ottoman people value their freedoms and will not submit to foreign rule. We request that all nations provide assistance to the Ottoman people should the Mongol forces cross our borders in an unjustifiable war.
The mongol forces have been unable to reach sufficient strength to tackle the other Great Powers, so they have switched their attention to the lessor powers. Today it is the Ottoman being threatened, tomorrow if we fail to defend our cities against their massive armies, it may be America being targeted, or maybe France. The Mongol armies have always sought to invade others and appeasement and friendship with them will only encourage such behaviour.
The world must say NO to Mongol aggression and forever contain their armies within their border, otherwise the entire world will be under threat from Mongol domination. They have shown from present and past activities that noone will be safe from their military machine if they are allowed to spread their wings at this time.
World, please confront any aggressive moves from the Mongols forces now and aid the Ottomans in their defence should it be necessary. Our forces are trained and ready, equipped with the latest weaponry, but are seriously outnumbered by the confronting Mongol forces.

[Diplo Ottoman]

Your client-state relationship to your "friend" is most pathetic, seeming more like that of a sheep and shepherd, than men of equal status.

Our relationship is that of true friendship and our mutual friendship has been of great assistance to both nations. We have often provided the nation of Holland with our latest research which has enabled them to defend against unwarranted aggression, including the knowledge of Assembly Line which we taught them and supplied them in earlier times with naval units of upgraded status. In return they have taught us a lot about steel and how to build cannons. We face a common threat and therefore our researchers have often coordinated their learning to counter this threat.
It has been the common threat that has brought our nations together, the common threat of piracy, the threat of Mongol aggression. Also our common freedoms have cemented this relationship.
It is most definitely not a relationship of 'sheep' to 'shepherd' as your propaganda implies.

[LzPrst]

hmm...

[Diplo Mongolia]

Required reading:

This is the Ottoman way, and other amusing stories, by comedian Maksul Hikos.


This is the Ottoman way.

I am certain that most of my countrymen, fine riders and strong women have caught the recent spat between our dear beloved leader, Chairman Koba and the Prime Minister of Ottomania, Abdul Alladin. As we all know, our neighbours the Ottoman have never been very bold, and their responses are to us strange, if not even comical. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the finer points of this problem, may I please be allowed to elaborate on the causes and circumstances for this situation.

Let us begin with the Ottoman.
An Ottoman is a creature that evolved not from a vertebrae like most people, but from some form of spineless toad. This has been scientifically proven in my own lab numerous times. Let me give you an example.

If you insult a Mongol, let us for arguments sake say that:
"Your father is a drunken goat, your mother a harlot and your horse is a cow." -The natural response of any Mongol or any man, would be to cut out the tongue of the insulter and keep it as a trophy to dissuade others of similar folly.

The Ottoman however, would reply, and I assure you that this has been clinically proven: "My dear sir, may I please beg to differ, you see, I do not agree to this definition, as it seems most unfair towards my family, and livestock. If I may please point out that goats do not drink alcohol, and as such my father cannot be a drunk. And furthermore, my mothers profession has been for as long as I can remember, a seamstress, and only occasionally did she accept payment for carnal services given to men. And I have the word of my salesman, that my horse is in fact not a bovine, it is merely customary for dutch horses to have horns glued on. So, I must respectfully request that you set the record straight for further notice. Please."

When confronted with this inherent cowardice, an Ottoman will usually respond that "This is the Ottoman way".


As a writer I get to travel quite a bit, and in my travels I have encountered many an Ottoman. Here is one of the incidents that I witnessed.
I was travelling by train in a cart with one frenchman, one dutch and one ottoman. We were having a good time and enjoyed ourselves with fine cigars and good wine. Until the dutchman, had a bit too much and revealed that he was in fact a flamboyante. A flying dutchman as some call it, a man who loves other men. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not as normal in our lands as in holland. And having a bit too much wine he began to flirt a bit with the frenchman. The french have their own culture for this, but this particular gentleman was not in the mood and politely made it clear. The dutchman then turned his attention to me, but I told him respectfully that he should look elsewhere if he did not want to experience being thrown off a moving train. At last the flying dutchman turned his attention to the Ottoman and suggested boldly that they go out and have some carnal fun in the empty compartment next to ours. The Ottoman blushed, then started sweating, rose and let the dutchman out. And then followed him into the empty compartment across from ours. The flying dutchman winked at myself and the french monsigneur, closed the door to the other compartment and drew shut the drapes. I stared at the Frenchman and said, "I guess it's more common than I thought."
-Not really came the reply, it's just that an Ottoman has never refused a dutchman anything and to do so would be a breach of etiquette. And an Ottoman would rather do as you just witnessed, than seem impolite.

And this I assure you, is the Ottoman way.

[OzzyKP]

An old Mali joke:

In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are American,
the mechanics are Mongolian,
the lovers are Incan,
and the bankers are Dutch.

In Hell: the cooks are Mongolian,
the policemen are Carpathian,
the mechanics are American,
the lovers are Russian,
and the bankers are French.

An old American joke:

In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are American,
the mechanics are Mongolian,
the lovers are Incan,
and the bankers are Dutch.

In Hell: the cooks are Carpathian,
the policemen are Carpathian,
the mechanics are Carpathian,
the lovers are Carpathian,
and the bankers are Carpathian.

[OzzyKP]

On a beautiful deserted island, in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Carpathian men and 1 Carpathian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 Dutch men and 1 Dutch woman

2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman

2 Ottoman men and 1 Ottoman woman

2 Mongolian men and 1 Mongolian woman

2 Mali men and 1 Mali woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Incan men and 1 Incan woman

One month later, the situation is as follows:

One Carpathian man has impaled the Carpathian woman on a stake for looking at the other Carpathian man.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

The two Dutch men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the Dutch woman.

The two Russian men are sleeping with each other and the Russian woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Mongolian men, after looking at their stalwart Mongolian woman, have started swimming.

The two Mali men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the Mali woman.

The two Ottoman men built a grand hut on the island, outfitted it with the finest palms and coconuts around, decorated it with the finest tropical bird feathers, and gave the Ottoman woman every comfort imaginable. Then, once everything seemed to be going perfectly, the two Ottoman men got in a boat and went in search of another island so they could start over.

The American men began by dividing the island into East and West. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the Carpathian men are not getting any.

The Incan woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two Incan men are contemplating suicide.

[OzzyKP]

A Mongolian explorer, a Dutch explorer, and an American explorer meet up in the jungle. after a while, they're captured by natives.

native chief: you three are dead men. we will sacrifice you, and save your skin to line our canoes.

Dutch: well if we're destined to be boats.. might i have one last request?

chief: what is it.

Dutch: would you allow us to kill ourselves? i'd rather not die stuck like a pig on the end of a stick.

chief: alright. how will you die?

the Dutch explorer asks for his pistol, with a single bullet in it. he shoots himself in the head to save his dignity. chief turns to the Mongolian explorer.

chief: how will you die?

Mongolian guy asks for his sword, and stabs himsefl to save his honor. chief turns to the American explorer.

chief: how will you die?

American guy asks for a fork. he proceeds to stab himself repeatedly all over, screaming "F*** YOUR CANOES, F*** YOUR CANOES!!!"

[OzzyKP]

A turk is walking in a French mall and he feels threatened by all those French around him so he goes to a gun shop he comes inside and sees some big knifes and asks the shop keeper,"how much for those knives?"

shop keeper: they're not for sale

the turk is getting angry but he sees some guns and he asks how much for those guns

the shop keeper again tells him their not for sale

the turk is now really getting mad and he thinks this guy must be a real racist so he ask the shop keeper, "have you got something against turks?"

the shop keeper says, "ya we have knifes gun what would you like?"

[Diplo Holland]

The immaturity of the Mongol breed made it all the more obvious their intentions.

Based on jeolousy, abject fear and hatred the Mongols go about cutting out tongues, threatening neighbours and bullying any that get in their way.

This includes great nations. The Inca were bullied in pre-historic timnes; The French were bullied twice over the eons to allow secret passage of Mongol troops to invade Holland OR ELSE; The Ottomand also have been twice bullied over the eons for not fitting into the Mongol designs of the world.

Old man Clovis handed Dirk the latest intelligence that typified all that need be said about the Mongrols.

--

To: diplo_ottoman@plomp.eu
From: Diplo Mongolia/J4P
Date: 05/11/2008 05:49PM
Subject: Concerning the Future

As our secret agency of foreign diplomacy has discussed, the future of our world stands at a crossroads. It is a crossroads it has stood at for a thousand years, but the choices are not equal.

As you know, there is little love lost between Mongolia and Holland. Our positions of rivalling powers is the cause. We have the same dislike for the Inca. However, currently, our concerns have drifted further and further towards the Dutch. We have statistical numbers that would shock and disturb you. Their military is vast and incredibly advanced. They are on the verge of technology that is far beyond your own or all other nations of the world combined. Their empire is huge and opulent as well as productive. Despite my disagreements with my former comrade in arms Temujin who has apparently resurfaced from the dead, yet seems mad as a hatter in most of his statements, I must regretfully admit that Mongolia's power and place in the world has waned. We are no longer a superpower. The reason is that while my own Confederacy has prospered greatly, as has your Colonial upstart, and that of many other nations, Holland has enriched itself at the expense of all others so as to make themselves by far the one and only superpower on Terra.

I realize, that if something is not done to halt them, they will perpetually dominate Terra, and their might will only grow relative to other powers. There will, if something is not done, come a time when they cannot be challenged, nor negotiated with or even resisted. This is the future as it runs towards an orange world. This is our crossroads. As a nation that values freedom and independence, you surely must see the value of halting the might of the mighty before it becomes unstoppable.

If you were to aid us in restoring the balance of power, we would be greatly thankful and furthermore, gladly support you in any just claims you may have. Not to mention the potentialities of spoils of war.

I have presented to you a carrott. An olive branch of cooperation and mutual benefit. I need not announce what the stick is, should you refuse our overtoure.


-Koba Vitharin

---

"Also, How are the Inca going to feel about this?" Dirk mused.

"What an insult to the Ottomans and the Inca! Holland and Inca are two equally strong and advanced nations sharing a similar dream of world peace. And the Ottomans are equal partners in trade and Holland is only as advanced as it is because of Ottoman friendshp and trade."

"Hmmm indeed. It is clear that an alliance against Holland is being organised by the Mongols and probably the French - although they would stab either three of us in the back and yet the Mongols are the ones most deserved of a quick jab by a French bayonette up the rectum..."

[Diplo Holland]

Dirk laughed out loud when he saw the next intelligence report!

It was headed: "French Privateers - 4 in Marseilles and 2 in Grenoble"

[Diplo Mongolia]

Do me a favor and "leak" these intelligence briefings to the Standard, comrade Makreb? Thank you, that will be all.

[Diplo France]

Originally posted by Diplo Holland
Dirk laughed out loud when he saw the next intelligence report!

It was headed: "French Privateers - 4 in Marseilles and 2 in Grenoble"

We demand an apology from the Dutch goverment revealing classified information. We fail to see the humor of the situation. Is France by some preverse logic barred from building new ships? Is owning Privateers suddenly a crime?


And if the above is true does that mean France can in turn reveal the number of Ottoman or Dutch destroyers? Shame be on you sirs.