There Is A Black Man Mowing My Lawn

[Wiglaf]

Who goes there? What is he doing? He will likely demand payment when he has concluded. Advice please. The last time I called the police and told them a black man was washing my windows, they told me to shoot him and hung up. I am not sure who will take this seriously, but one thing is for sure: a black man is mowing my lawn and make no mistake he will want bank when he is done. Suggestions are welcome. This ordinarily happens to me when I am on the interstate or in traffic.

[KrazyHorse]

I suggest that when he is done you run outside with at least two pistols in hand (and a backup piece tucked into your sock) and angrily demand payment for the damage he has done to your artwork (working title "slightly ragged lawn; midatlantic variety")

[Riesstiu IV]

Offer to fellate him as compensation.

[Solomwi]

Who goes there? What is he doing? He will likely demand payment when he has concluded. Advice please. The last time I called the police and told them a black man was washing my windows, they told me to shoot him and hung up. I am not sure who will take this seriously, but one thing is for sure: a black man is mowing my lawn and make no mistake he will want bank when he is done. Suggestions are welcome. This ordinarily happens to me when I am on the interstate or in traffic.

Call the cops again, but this time tell them he's Iranian.

[Asher]

I don't know what to do. We don't have the blacks in Canada.

Ask Drake. He has lots of the blacks in Harlem. He is a black himself.

[Wiglaf]

I told him to get off my lawn like a man. He responded essentially to say that he was born in one of the more urban, low-income and predominately African-American areas of the city and, as such, is unaccustomed to being told what to do, noting that even my sister, of whom he has carnal knowledge, is not as demanding or as shrill as I am. He has continued mowing; I am not sure how those devices work, but he appears to have pulled something to make it louder and drown out my protestations as he continues his unsolicited yardwork. He is clearly muttering something and has a pickup truck that either has drugs, guns, or both in it. This is going to escalate. Should I start throwing bricks from the balcony?

[KrazyHorse]

Take his truck as payment for the heartache he has caused you.

[Wiglaf]

There's no way I can hotwire it with him right next to it. Do you suppose I should fake going after the truck to draw him away, then steal the mower and lock my door? Then the lawn would only be half-done, but at least half would still look as I intended. My only hesitation is that I have never yet used a mower and am worried about chopping off my penis or foot as I run to my door with it over my head.

[-Jrabbit]

Invite a bunch friends/colleagues over for a party.

Stat!

[KrazyHorse]

Assuming you are armed with at least one 50 cal sniper rifle you should be able to put a round through the engine of the lawn mower from your balcony, thus saving yourself the trouble of having to drag the man's body away the next time trash collection comes by.

[Wiglaf]

Invite a bunch friends/colleagues over for a party.

Stat!

That is what the black man probably wants. You sound like someone who does some unsolicited mowing yourself. Is this the usual endgame?

Assuming you are armed with at least one 50 cal sniper rifle you should be able to put a round through the engine of the lawn mower from your balcony, thus saving yourself the trouble of having to drag the man's body away the next time trash collection comes by.

No sniper rifle; just a 12-gauge right now. Everything else is on loan to friends.

[Solomwi]

There's no way I can hotwire it with him right next to it. Do you suppose I should fake going after the truck to draw him away, then steal the mower and lock my door? Then the lawn would only be half-done, but at least half would still look as I intended. My only hesitation is that I have never yet used a mower and am worried about chopping off my penis or foot as I run to my door with it over my head.

KH was almost right. Take his guns and drugs as payment for the heartache he has caused you. Then shoot the mower. And the machine.

[Wiglaf]

By machine do you mean the black man?

[Solomwi]

By machine do you mean the black man?

No, I meant that by mower.

[KrazyHorse]

That is what the black man probably wants. You sound like someone who does some unsolicited mowing yourself. Is this the usual endgame?



No sniper rifle; just a 12-gauge right now. Everything else is on loan to friends.

If you aim for the part of the mower furthest from the man then you should be able to disable the machine while only causing minor injuries to the man (certainly not enough to prevent him from limping away and at worst dying in the cab of his own truck, which will then be towed by the city after you report it as an abandoned vehicle).

Otherwise your only choice is to give him your family's address and alarm codes (and if you have them, nude pictures of your mother/sister) in the (probably futile) hope that he will choose not to violate your virgin white *******.

Edit: goddamnit. Apostrophe fault? Pathetic.