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Act II Scene I
Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF YORK and the PAPAL EMISSARY
Geomodder: If I might interrupt thy prayers for a
moment, good archbishop, then I bear ill
tidings from Rome for the King, whose ear I
hath not been blessed with due to these horrid
events at court of late.
Jonny: Go ahead, my friend,
and unburthen thyself of the news that
thou bringeth from afar. I fear that thy
message might but cause the King further pain
in his already troubled state, and with
hap, then might I offer some advice on
how best to broach the subject with my lord.
Geomodder: Many thanks, good sir. ‘Tis word of great
moment that I hath carried from the Pope,
and ‘twill be an ease on my breast to say
it, even as ‘twill be a weight on that
of the King.
Jonny: Tarry no further, good emissary,
and relate this tale of woe. Heavy is
the secret borne unwillingly, and light
indeed the conscience of he that hath
untrammelled himself thereof. Pray tell
me, that I might offer what aid I can
in passing this message to the King, for
‘twere best that he not have to bear too oft
the pain of recent days. I would not be
he to have to don the vestments of mine
office without knowing something of the
nature of my lord the King. Think not that
I hath inveigled my way into the see
of holy York, but the modern churchman
must have some knowledge of politics to
keep his head when all about him are losing
theirs.
Geomodder: Very well, so shall I begin my
tale in the hope that thy politic head
might make this lighter for His Majesty.
Enter KING RAH and the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
rah: Good day to thee gentlemen! I trust that
you hath both enjoyed the bounty of my
kitchens here, and that with the needs of the
flesh thereby taken care of, you were both
able to turn thy attention to the
most pressing matter of the intellect:
namely, who hath wrought these fearsome murders
in the midst of mine own court!
Spike: My lord, I
believe that the ambassador from Rome
hath an urgent message for thee, and I
would that thou took the time to listen to
what he has to say.
rah: ‘Struth, man! I have said
that no other matters will be considered
here until the villainous swine who hath
ridden rampant through the flower of my
English nobility be caught and
made to pay for his treachery! Alas,
how I miss my fool – though I thought him the
culprit, I fear now that I hath only
served to deaden what amusement could be
found in this court. Chamberlain, canst thou
dance? Canst thou don the motley, and provide
us all with a moment of lightness?
Spike: No,
my lord.
rah: ‘Tis a shame indeed, and makes me
wonder why I have you around after all.
Spike: Sire, your son the Prince of Wales.
Enter the PRINCE OF WALES, and the EARLS of ROCHESTER and WESTMORELAND
Sparrowhawk: Father! ‘Tis
a relief to see you looking so well
given the turmoil these days hath draggèd
to our door.
rah: Welcome son. I now recall
why I entertain the Lord Chamberlain
still – his announcements are pitch perfect, and
never premature. ‘Tis good to see that
my heir is still worthy (and alive) to
take the kingdom when I am drawn away
by the old blind boatman.
Sparrowhawk: Father, it would
be with great sadness that I would ever
don the crown that hath been so resplendent
on thy front these years, and at the front of
thine armies to bring true glory and peace
to thy realm.
rah: aside Do you think a pyramid
is too much to ask for?
Spike: aside Perhaps, my lord.
Maybe an obelisk might be more fitting.
rah: aside Aye, sounds very noble. What does one look
like?
Spike: aside It’s a giant…
Lord Nuclear: My lord, the council
are now ready to discuss the matter
of the murderers in our midst. Shall we
call the assembly together today?
rah: Aye, ‘tis meet.
Enter the rest of the cast
rah: Gentlemen, now that we are
together again, then might one of you
care to open proceedings and outline
the case that thou bringest against another
here?
civman2000: I bring the charge against the Duke of
Buckingham, for I hath seem him do some
awfully strange things near that butt of wine
in thy Majesty’s banqueting hall, and
do suspect that he might have don some more
terrible crime than merely enjoying
thy hospitality here overmuch.
rah: I’ll call Clarence, my head waiter, to go
and check that there is nothing wrong with the
wine. Now, as for the rest of you, who here
agrees with good Warwick’s assessment of
Buckingham’s guilt, or have thee someone else
in mind?
EPW: My lord, the blame rests squarely on
the shoulders of the Pope’s mission to this
court. I believe that he is the agent
of our doom, and not of His Holiness!
rah: Are you sure that it wasn’t you instead,
Northumberland? Ha!
EPW: Yes! No! It was, but
it isn’t any more my lord. I think.
Skanky: Sire, this man is clearly a halfwit, and
though he hath donned armour to protect our
lands ‘gainst the Scottish vandals in the past,
I fear he may have been struck on the helm
once too often for all our safety
.
Paddy the Scot: Aye,
thou I fight with ye, and not against ye,
yer have to admit that we Scots can gie
ye a hell of a beating if we’re of
that mind. ‘Twere Northumberland, King rah, that
hath bereft ye o two o yer good sons.
rah: My good thanes, I am most grateful that you
fight alongside me, and hath not aligned
thyselves with thy rebellious country-
men who would see me usurped. Now from the
nods of accord that I see about me, are
you all of a mind that Northumberland
hath committed these crimes, and is deserving
of justice as brought by my Captain, both
swift and terminal.
Adagio: Aye, my friend, I can
see none who would now gainsay thee, and put
forth their own candidate, so we must now
see that Northumberland takes his campaign
of terror no further.
rah: Very well, Captain,
willst thou do this deed in the sad manner
of the killer of an old friend? I know
that you both bear the scars of battles won
and lost together, but we can have no
time for sentiment in these dark days.
Exit the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, and the DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND
Geomodder: King rah, needs must that we speak of many
things….
rah: Later, my good prelate – I cannot
be expected to concentrate on those
matters beyond my court at this time, and
rest assured that I shall hold audience
with thee first when this ill wind hath blown by
and we might better decide.
Geomodder: Aye, o king.
Exit all but the DUKE OF KENT
Kassi: It’s curiouser and curiouser
at the court of the King in these strange times,
but I shall not be offering myself
to don the chronicler’s cape and gown to
record this moment for posterity,
for I fear that I may not live to see
that day. When I was but a young squire,
I was honoured to be the son of a
Duke, and yearned to mature to the age at
which I could join the great armies of His
Majesty, and battle alongside my
countrymen to defend the peace of our
nation, and to expand the glory of
the name of Kent! In full armour at the
lists, then felt I no such fear to meet at
full speed the onrushing lance of my foe,
as I do today in the knowledge that
there are those among our number who would
seek to bring infamy upon the court,
and to dispose of their rivals in the
most underhand fashion. Were these dogs to
make their intentions known, and to bring an
army to the gates of London, then might
we be able to resolve this in the
traditional way!
Enter KING RAH and the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD
Rubychaser: Sire, I hath despatched
the Duke of Northumberland as you bade
me, but I fear that once again, I am
the bearer of ill tidings. Returning
to the court to make my report, I saw
the body of the Earl of Westmoreland,
lying murdered on his bed. His head
was smashed in the same way as Lancaster
hath been discovered, by a blunt metal
object. Lying under his bed was a
strange weapon, though I had no impression
that it had been used in his murder. It
was a plain horseshoe, as made by all the
smiths of London. Further ‘neath the bed was
a more strange find! The Earl had a quiver
of small darts, as have taken the lives of
both the Duke of York and of the Duke of
Somerset.
Kassi: So Westmoreland was one of
our wicked killers! My lord, we must all
redouble our efforts to find this brute
who hath broken the heads of Lancaster
and the dread Westmoreland!
rah: Aye, Kent, we shall
return here tomorrow to discuss and
deliberate on these details that the
good Captain hath found!
Exeunt
Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF YORK and the PAPAL EMISSARY
Geomodder: If I might interrupt thy prayers for a
moment, good archbishop, then I bear ill
tidings from Rome for the King, whose ear I
hath not been blessed with due to these horrid
events at court of late.
Jonny: Go ahead, my friend,
and unburthen thyself of the news that
thou bringeth from afar. I fear that thy
message might but cause the King further pain
in his already troubled state, and with
hap, then might I offer some advice on
how best to broach the subject with my lord.
Geomodder: Many thanks, good sir. ‘Tis word of great
moment that I hath carried from the Pope,
and ‘twill be an ease on my breast to say
it, even as ‘twill be a weight on that
of the King.
Jonny: Tarry no further, good emissary,
and relate this tale of woe. Heavy is
the secret borne unwillingly, and light
indeed the conscience of he that hath
untrammelled himself thereof. Pray tell
me, that I might offer what aid I can
in passing this message to the King, for
‘twere best that he not have to bear too oft
the pain of recent days. I would not be
he to have to don the vestments of mine
office without knowing something of the
nature of my lord the King. Think not that
I hath inveigled my way into the see
of holy York, but the modern churchman
must have some knowledge of politics to
keep his head when all about him are losing
theirs.
Geomodder: Very well, so shall I begin my
tale in the hope that thy politic head
might make this lighter for His Majesty.
Enter KING RAH and the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
rah: Good day to thee gentlemen! I trust that
you hath both enjoyed the bounty of my
kitchens here, and that with the needs of the
flesh thereby taken care of, you were both
able to turn thy attention to the
most pressing matter of the intellect:
namely, who hath wrought these fearsome murders
in the midst of mine own court!
Spike: My lord, I
believe that the ambassador from Rome
hath an urgent message for thee, and I
would that thou took the time to listen to
what he has to say.
rah: ‘Struth, man! I have said
that no other matters will be considered
here until the villainous swine who hath
ridden rampant through the flower of my
English nobility be caught and
made to pay for his treachery! Alas,
how I miss my fool – though I thought him the
culprit, I fear now that I hath only
served to deaden what amusement could be
found in this court. Chamberlain, canst thou
dance? Canst thou don the motley, and provide
us all with a moment of lightness?
Spike: No,
my lord.
rah: ‘Tis a shame indeed, and makes me
wonder why I have you around after all.
Spike: Sire, your son the Prince of Wales.
Enter the PRINCE OF WALES, and the EARLS of ROCHESTER and WESTMORELAND
Sparrowhawk: Father! ‘Tis
a relief to see you looking so well
given the turmoil these days hath draggèd
to our door.
rah: Welcome son. I now recall
why I entertain the Lord Chamberlain
still – his announcements are pitch perfect, and
never premature. ‘Tis good to see that
my heir is still worthy (and alive) to
take the kingdom when I am drawn away
by the old blind boatman.
Sparrowhawk: Father, it would
be with great sadness that I would ever
don the crown that hath been so resplendent
on thy front these years, and at the front of
thine armies to bring true glory and peace
to thy realm.
rah: aside Do you think a pyramid
is too much to ask for?
Spike: aside Perhaps, my lord.
Maybe an obelisk might be more fitting.
rah: aside Aye, sounds very noble. What does one look
like?
Spike: aside It’s a giant…
Lord Nuclear: My lord, the council
are now ready to discuss the matter
of the murderers in our midst. Shall we
call the assembly together today?
rah: Aye, ‘tis meet.
Enter the rest of the cast
rah: Gentlemen, now that we are
together again, then might one of you
care to open proceedings and outline
the case that thou bringest against another
here?
civman2000: I bring the charge against the Duke of
Buckingham, for I hath seem him do some
awfully strange things near that butt of wine
in thy Majesty’s banqueting hall, and
do suspect that he might have don some more
terrible crime than merely enjoying
thy hospitality here overmuch.
rah: I’ll call Clarence, my head waiter, to go
and check that there is nothing wrong with the
wine. Now, as for the rest of you, who here
agrees with good Warwick’s assessment of
Buckingham’s guilt, or have thee someone else
in mind?
EPW: My lord, the blame rests squarely on
the shoulders of the Pope’s mission to this
court. I believe that he is the agent
of our doom, and not of His Holiness!
rah: Are you sure that it wasn’t you instead,
Northumberland? Ha!
EPW: Yes! No! It was, but
it isn’t any more my lord. I think.
Skanky: Sire, this man is clearly a halfwit, and
though he hath donned armour to protect our
lands ‘gainst the Scottish vandals in the past,
I fear he may have been struck on the helm
once too often for all our safety
.
Paddy the Scot: Aye,
thou I fight with ye, and not against ye,
yer have to admit that we Scots can gie
ye a hell of a beating if we’re of
that mind. ‘Twere Northumberland, King rah, that
hath bereft ye o two o yer good sons.
rah: My good thanes, I am most grateful that you
fight alongside me, and hath not aligned
thyselves with thy rebellious country-
men who would see me usurped. Now from the
nods of accord that I see about me, are
you all of a mind that Northumberland
hath committed these crimes, and is deserving
of justice as brought by my Captain, both
swift and terminal.
Adagio: Aye, my friend, I can
see none who would now gainsay thee, and put
forth their own candidate, so we must now
see that Northumberland takes his campaign
of terror no further.
rah: Very well, Captain,
willst thou do this deed in the sad manner
of the killer of an old friend? I know
that you both bear the scars of battles won
and lost together, but we can have no
time for sentiment in these dark days.
Exit the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, and the DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND
Geomodder: King rah, needs must that we speak of many
things….
rah: Later, my good prelate – I cannot
be expected to concentrate on those
matters beyond my court at this time, and
rest assured that I shall hold audience
with thee first when this ill wind hath blown by
and we might better decide.
Geomodder: Aye, o king.
Exit all but the DUKE OF KENT
Kassi: It’s curiouser and curiouser
at the court of the King in these strange times,
but I shall not be offering myself
to don the chronicler’s cape and gown to
record this moment for posterity,
for I fear that I may not live to see
that day. When I was but a young squire,
I was honoured to be the son of a
Duke, and yearned to mature to the age at
which I could join the great armies of His
Majesty, and battle alongside my
countrymen to defend the peace of our
nation, and to expand the glory of
the name of Kent! In full armour at the
lists, then felt I no such fear to meet at
full speed the onrushing lance of my foe,
as I do today in the knowledge that
there are those among our number who would
seek to bring infamy upon the court,
and to dispose of their rivals in the
most underhand fashion. Were these dogs to
make their intentions known, and to bring an
army to the gates of London, then might
we be able to resolve this in the
traditional way!
Enter KING RAH and the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD
Rubychaser: Sire, I hath despatched
the Duke of Northumberland as you bade
me, but I fear that once again, I am
the bearer of ill tidings. Returning
to the court to make my report, I saw
the body of the Earl of Westmoreland,
lying murdered on his bed. His head
was smashed in the same way as Lancaster
hath been discovered, by a blunt metal
object. Lying under his bed was a
strange weapon, though I had no impression
that it had been used in his murder. It
was a plain horseshoe, as made by all the
smiths of London. Further ‘neath the bed was
a more strange find! The Earl had a quiver
of small darts, as have taken the lives of
both the Duke of York and of the Duke of
Somerset.
Kassi: So Westmoreland was one of
our wicked killers! My lord, we must all
redouble our efforts to find this brute
who hath broken the heads of Lancaster
and the dread Westmoreland!
rah: Aye, Kent, we shall
return here tomorrow to discuss and
deliberate on these details that the
good Captain hath found!
Exeunt
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