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DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
KING RAH, King of England
The PRINCE OF WALES, his son and heir
The DUKE OF YORK, his second son
The DUKE OF LANCASTER, his youngest son
The DUKE OF SOMERSET
The DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM
The DUKE OF KENT
The DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND
The EARL OF WESTMORELAND
The EARL OF ROCHESTER
The EARL OF WARWICK
The ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
The ARCHBISHOP OF YORK
The THANE OF INVERURIE
The THANE OF AUCHTERMUCHTY
The PRINCE OF DENMARK
A PAPAL EMISSARY
The King’s LORD CHAMBERLAIN
His CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD
His COURT JESTER
THE SCENE: The Court of The King of England
ACT ONE
Scene I
Enter KING RAH, his CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, and the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Spike: My lord, the hour of the council is nigh.
rah: Aye, and though I hath no desire to speak
of such weighty matters today, we must,
for all is not as it ought be in my
kingdom. I pray that we can reach accord
here lest things worsen for my subjects.
Enter the Duke of Lancaster and the Prince of Wales
Spike: My lord, your sons the Duke of Lancaster
and the Prince of Wales.
rah: My sons! Can I
count on your support to resolve the many
problems that beset my court and my kingdom?
Sparrowhawk: Of course father, by tongues not strength
of arms shall we restore the former glory
of thy reign.
Snoopy: We shall not rest yet peace
reigns once more over thy lands father. ‘Twere
a sorry day that these Welsh rebels
hath decided to raise their ugly
heads ‘gainst thy rule O father. We shall
crush their foolishness lest it become a
pattern for all those bearing whatever
petty grievance and decide to take up
arms in pursuit of their cause. Come, let us
take the counsel of our dukes and agree
upon a strategem to snuff this out
for good and ensure peace for those who
seek it, and death to those who oppose it.
Spike: My liege, the dukes of Northumberland,
Kent, Buckingham and Somerset. They bring
news of events on the Shropshire border
that shalt sweeten thy mood. Pray allow them
to make their report as it may well have much
influence on our future discussion.
Enter the Dukes ofHazzard Northumberland, Kent, Buckingham and Somerset
EPW: My liege, I bring dire tidings of our
forces on the Welsh borders. The Welshmen
hath a new, charismatic leader of
some renown. Llywelyn ap Llywelyn
is among the number of the rebels,
and he hath brought a new inspiration
to the pell-mell assembly rising to
the banner of Welsh resistance.
Kassiopeia: My lord,
without this Llywelyn our armies
are faced with little more than peasants, but
he bringeth a new strategy to their
hitherto disorganised raiding, and
unless we act soon, then we well be
faced with a more serious threat
than we hath expected.
Spaced Cowboy: Sire, the time for
talk hath passed, and now we have nought
but to put these upstarts to the sword lest
the situation become more serious.
Hercules: Aye, needs must that this be addressed, and
the sooner the better. I have asked the
Earls of Westmoreland, Somerset, and of
Warwick to join us in our council of
war so that their experience of the
battlefield might aid our cause and ensure
victory for our armies over the
rebellious Welshmen.
Spike: My liege, the Earls
await your reception.
Enter the Earls of Westmoreland, Rochester and Warwick
Skanky Burns: My liege, might I
offer my assistance to thine armies
in the repulsion of this threat to thy
western borders?
rah: Pray do, good Rochester,
thy mighty swordarm hath served England
well countless times, and so I am grateful
of your aid in these dangerous times. I
would gladly hear thy counsel, and that of
your fellow earls, Westmoreland and Warwick.
Lord Nuclear: Sire, ‘tis a time of great strife to the west
and we hath little option but to act now
and to act decisively.
civman 2000: Sire, might I
suggest a strike ‘gainst these rebels under
the cover of night’s mantle?
Spike: I’m sorry,
my liege, but our Scottish allies hath need
of an audience with thine royal person.
The Thane of Auchtermuchty and your noble
friend the Thane of Inverurie. They
bring news of much import to thy current
struggle with the Welsh. It would appear that
the Scottish malcontents hath pledged their
allegience to the Welsh rebels, and that
there is a small fleet on its way to the
Welsh coast with reinforcements against thy
forces.
Paddy the Scot: Well met Sassenach. Yon Jimmy
tells me ye’ve a bit o trouble with the
Welshies. Ach, they’re a stubborn bunch, but
if yer wee men cannae them then
I may be able ter help ye if ye
needs me brave Scottish troops. We’ve gladly
fought a whole lot worse than the leeky men
for your cause, and will de again. Say the
word, and my brave lads at at yer service.
James the Scot: Aye, “king”. If ye be of need of Scottish
might then ye’ve asked the right men. We can hae
a decent force o brave lads on yer borders
by Tuesday if ye so require..
rah: Thank you
gentlemen, but my armies should be more
than capable of controlling this small
discontent on their own. Now I shall be
glad to discuss the Scottish question with
you later, but I am expecting a mission
from Rome today.
Spike: My lord, the Prince of Denmark.
Enter the PRINCE OF DENMARK
Adagio: Hail King rah! How are you my old friend?
rah: Very well, although there is unrest at
our western border. But what of Elsinore?
Adagio: My father is dead, and the manner of
his death was most suspicious. I know
not yet who was responsible, but I
have vowed to discover his murderer!
rah: I am sorry to hear that. Claudius
was a good man, and a valuable ally
to England in the past.
Spike: Sire, the papal
ambassador hath arrived, and he
seeks an audience with you.
Enter the PAPAL EMISSARY
Geomodder: King rah, I
bring greetings from Rome, and his Holiness
wonders whether you have considered his
proposal?
rah: I have, and you may return
to Rome with the tidings that England shall
remain a powerful ally of the
Church, and that once our troubles in the west
have been resolved, we shall allow them to
be used to support our allies throughout Europe.
Geomodder: Excellent news, King rah. I shall relay
this to the Pope posthaste.
Spike: My lord, Captain
Rubychaser has important news for
you!
Enter the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD and the COURT JESTER
joncha: Prithee nuncle, how might I raise thy
humour?
rah: Oh god, who let him out? Let the
jailer responsible be confined in
his own jail for two days as punishment!
joncha: Sire? Thou art not amused?
Rubychaser: Silence fool! Now
is not the time for such frivolity!
My lord, I have dire news. Thine own son,
the Duke of York, hath been found murdered in
his chambers with three darts in his neck. Since
my guards have reported that no-one hath
left the castle since his death, then I must
regrettably inform you that the killer
is within this room.
rah: My son! Cruel fates, dost thou mock me in my
plight? First my country, and now my family.
Sparrowhawk: My brother, I now swear to avenge thy
death, and to bring suffering worse than thine
upon the head of the one responsible!
rah: Aye, ‘tis meet that justice be served. But since
the murderer is here present, then we
will be able to discover their foul nature
and deal with them as is meet. Captain, make
it thy duty to prevent all access
and egress from this palace until the foul
beast is unmasked! Give thy men the word so
that we can deal with this among ourselves.
We shall try to discover who has been
so despicable to commit such a
terrible crime. Return to the throne room
tomorrow morning that we might reveal
what we hath found, and thereby decide the
identity of this heinous creature!
Exeunt
KING RAH, King of England
The PRINCE OF WALES, his son and heir
The DUKE OF YORK, his second son
The DUKE OF LANCASTER, his youngest son
The DUKE OF SOMERSET
The DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM
The DUKE OF KENT
The DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND
The EARL OF WESTMORELAND
The EARL OF ROCHESTER
The EARL OF WARWICK
The ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
The ARCHBISHOP OF YORK
The THANE OF INVERURIE
The THANE OF AUCHTERMUCHTY
The PRINCE OF DENMARK
A PAPAL EMISSARY
The King’s LORD CHAMBERLAIN
His CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD
His COURT JESTER
THE SCENE: The Court of The King of England
ACT ONE
Scene I
Enter KING RAH, his CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, and the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
Spike: My lord, the hour of the council is nigh.
rah: Aye, and though I hath no desire to speak
of such weighty matters today, we must,
for all is not as it ought be in my
kingdom. I pray that we can reach accord
here lest things worsen for my subjects.
Enter the Duke of Lancaster and the Prince of Wales
Spike: My lord, your sons the Duke of Lancaster
and the Prince of Wales.
rah: My sons! Can I
count on your support to resolve the many
problems that beset my court and my kingdom?
Sparrowhawk: Of course father, by tongues not strength
of arms shall we restore the former glory
of thy reign.
Snoopy: We shall not rest yet peace
reigns once more over thy lands father. ‘Twere
a sorry day that these Welsh rebels
hath decided to raise their ugly
heads ‘gainst thy rule O father. We shall
crush their foolishness lest it become a
pattern for all those bearing whatever
petty grievance and decide to take up
arms in pursuit of their cause. Come, let us
take the counsel of our dukes and agree
upon a strategem to snuff this out
for good and ensure peace for those who
seek it, and death to those who oppose it.
Spike: My liege, the dukes of Northumberland,
Kent, Buckingham and Somerset. They bring
news of events on the Shropshire border
that shalt sweeten thy mood. Pray allow them
to make their report as it may well have much
influence on our future discussion.
Enter the Dukes of
EPW: My liege, I bring dire tidings of our
forces on the Welsh borders. The Welshmen
hath a new, charismatic leader of
some renown. Llywelyn ap Llywelyn
is among the number of the rebels,
and he hath brought a new inspiration
to the pell-mell assembly rising to
the banner of Welsh resistance.
Kassiopeia: My lord,
without this Llywelyn our armies
are faced with little more than peasants, but
he bringeth a new strategy to their
hitherto disorganised raiding, and
unless we act soon, then we well be
faced with a more serious threat
than we hath expected.
Spaced Cowboy: Sire, the time for
talk hath passed, and now we have nought
but to put these upstarts to the sword lest
the situation become more serious.
Hercules: Aye, needs must that this be addressed, and
the sooner the better. I have asked the
Earls of Westmoreland, Somerset, and of
Warwick to join us in our council of
war so that their experience of the
battlefield might aid our cause and ensure
victory for our armies over the
rebellious Welshmen.
Spike: My liege, the Earls
await your reception.
Enter the Earls of Westmoreland, Rochester and Warwick
Skanky Burns: My liege, might I
offer my assistance to thine armies
in the repulsion of this threat to thy
western borders?
rah: Pray do, good Rochester,
thy mighty swordarm hath served England
well countless times, and so I am grateful
of your aid in these dangerous times. I
would gladly hear thy counsel, and that of
your fellow earls, Westmoreland and Warwick.
Lord Nuclear: Sire, ‘tis a time of great strife to the west
and we hath little option but to act now
and to act decisively.
civman 2000: Sire, might I
suggest a strike ‘gainst these rebels under
the cover of night’s mantle?
Spike: I’m sorry,
my liege, but our Scottish allies hath need
of an audience with thine royal person.
The Thane of Auchtermuchty and your noble
friend the Thane of Inverurie. They
bring news of much import to thy current
struggle with the Welsh. It would appear that
the Scottish malcontents hath pledged their
allegience to the Welsh rebels, and that
there is a small fleet on its way to the
Welsh coast with reinforcements against thy
forces.
Paddy the Scot: Well met Sassenach. Yon Jimmy
tells me ye’ve a bit o trouble with the
Welshies. Ach, they’re a stubborn bunch, but
if yer wee men cannae them then
I may be able ter help ye if ye
needs me brave Scottish troops. We’ve gladly
fought a whole lot worse than the leeky men
for your cause, and will de again. Say the
word, and my brave lads at at yer service.
James the Scot: Aye, “king”. If ye be of need of Scottish
might then ye’ve asked the right men. We can hae
a decent force o brave lads on yer borders
by Tuesday if ye so require..
rah: Thank you
gentlemen, but my armies should be more
than capable of controlling this small
discontent on their own. Now I shall be
glad to discuss the Scottish question with
you later, but I am expecting a mission
from Rome today.
Spike: My lord, the Prince of Denmark.
Enter the PRINCE OF DENMARK
Adagio: Hail King rah! How are you my old friend?
rah: Very well, although there is unrest at
our western border. But what of Elsinore?
Adagio: My father is dead, and the manner of
his death was most suspicious. I know
not yet who was responsible, but I
have vowed to discover his murderer!
rah: I am sorry to hear that. Claudius
was a good man, and a valuable ally
to England in the past.
Spike: Sire, the papal
ambassador hath arrived, and he
seeks an audience with you.
Enter the PAPAL EMISSARY
Geomodder: King rah, I
bring greetings from Rome, and his Holiness
wonders whether you have considered his
proposal?
rah: I have, and you may return
to Rome with the tidings that England shall
remain a powerful ally of the
Church, and that once our troubles in the west
have been resolved, we shall allow them to
be used to support our allies throughout Europe.
Geomodder: Excellent news, King rah. I shall relay
this to the Pope posthaste.
Spike: My lord, Captain
Rubychaser has important news for
you!
Enter the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD and the COURT JESTER
joncha: Prithee nuncle, how might I raise thy
humour?
rah: Oh god, who let him out? Let the
jailer responsible be confined in
his own jail for two days as punishment!
joncha: Sire? Thou art not amused?
Rubychaser: Silence fool! Now
is not the time for such frivolity!
My lord, I have dire news. Thine own son,
the Duke of York, hath been found murdered in
his chambers with three darts in his neck. Since
my guards have reported that no-one hath
left the castle since his death, then I must
regrettably inform you that the killer
is within this room.
rah: My son! Cruel fates, dost thou mock me in my
plight? First my country, and now my family.
Sparrowhawk: My brother, I now swear to avenge thy
death, and to bring suffering worse than thine
upon the head of the one responsible!
rah: Aye, ‘tis meet that justice be served. But since
the murderer is here present, then we
will be able to discover their foul nature
and deal with them as is meet. Captain, make
it thy duty to prevent all access
and egress from this palace until the foul
beast is unmasked! Give thy men the word so
that we can deal with this among ourselves.
We shall try to discover who has been
so despicable to commit such a
terrible crime. Return to the throne room
tomorrow morning that we might reveal
what we hath found, and thereby decide the
identity of this heinous creature!
Exeunt
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