Beyond Alpha Centauri::::::Discussion Thread 6

[History Guy]

(A small laser-shot goes through Kassiopeia's head for the viciously horrid Marilyn Monroe impression)

And, hey, Mr. President, happy birthday. And don't be taken in by Kassiopeia's breathy voice, he's not really Marilyn Monroe...and if he is...well...we won't ask.

[Mr. President]

Hey, a horrible impression of a Marilyn Monroe serenade is better than none, even if it is delivered over the Internet by a fifteen-year-old Finnish man.

Edit: Asteroidal weapons rock!

[Mr. President]

Hey, BAC-resident Lord of the Rings fans, look at this bizarre thing I found:

http://www.rave.nildram.co.uk/simworld/news.html

It's a page that allows you to personalize (in a truncated manner) the Lord of the Rings story, so that it has your name and those of your friends in it. You can go back and forth and do it as many times as you want with different details. It's funny, in a strange sort of way.

An extract from the one I just created:

Many years passed in Vermont and Daveo spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Daveo was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Daveo hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Daveo opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Osama the wizard.

Osama, is it really you? cried Daveo in delight, bordering on disgust.

Do not put on the ring! warned Osama. I was not going to, replied Daveo.

Osama appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Canberra and was created by the hideous evil snoi, the Dark Lord Mellian. It will kill you and suck out your soul.

[GeneralTacticus]

[Frankychan]

Originally posted by Mr. President
I have some news. Sprayber informs me that he'll be away from the message board until next Thursday. He also says that the Hive is going down and that Yang will become a guest of the Spartan state.

Ooooh that freekin guy! ......... That's a low blow but pretty funny. I guess he had to get his shots in before the INDOMINABLE WILL of the HIVE rolls over the pathetic Spartan tinker toys.

Originally posted by History Guy

Franky--- Ooooooooooooooooooooh. That's a nasty one. Guess the Hive is going to become a floor mop, eh?

Hmmmmmm, Does Morgan want a piece of Yang too?

Looks like Sheng-ji's gonna haveta open up a can of whoopa**! (j/k)

Mr. President-Happy B-day man! Hope you didn't party too hard! arty:

Everyone-Things look like they're picking up. Good work Silence and GenTac as well as Mr. Prez for getting us back on the ball. Gonna have some fun in the upcoming weeks.

[Kassiopeia]

.

Hey, a horrible impression of a Marilyn Monroe serenade is better than none, even if it is delivered over the Internet by a fifteen-year-old Finnish man.

Glad I didn't wear my white dress.

Now, re: the following - nothing personal. Well, mostly.

The Personalised
Lord of the Rings

Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring

Many years passed in Earth and Grego spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Grego was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Grego hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Grego opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Randius the wizard.

Randius, is it really you? cried Grego in delight, bordering on disgust.

Do not put on the ring! warned Randius. I was not going to, replied Grego.

Randius appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Chiron and was created by the hideous evil smeghead, the Dark Lord Sheng-ji Yang. It will kill you and suck out your soul.

AAIIEE! said Grego, I shall give it to you.

Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, Mars. They will know what to do with it, lied Randius. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Randius thrust his body through it and grasped the eye of a small hobbit.

Aha! cried Randius as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, How much have you heard?

Nothing at all Mister Randius, except all those things you said.

Filkins, laughed Grego as Randius mangled Filkins's eye, What are you doing?

Begging your pardon Mr. Grego sir, I didn't mean any harm by it, whimpered Filkins, I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Mars.

Randius gave Filkins's eye one last slam and said Then you at least shall accompany Grego, as shall Silence and GeneralTacticus who are also outside.

You complete smegheadhead, Filkins! laughed Silence and GeneralTacticus unmerrily.

Grego, Filkins, GeneralTacticus and Silence began the journey to Mars. Randius had to go and speak to the boss wizard, charmon and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs.

On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. Let's go in this tomb said GeneralTacticus. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.

Just as the hobbits were about to have their eyes removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily- dressed man. He began to sing:

I am Tom Bombasmegheado
You naughty barrow wights
I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo

The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombasmegheado. Fortunately. Let's get on the road where it's safe said GeneralTacticus.

Randius arrived at the tower of charmon the White, the boss wizard. There is evil afoot! said Randius, There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Chiron that cause my eye to stand on end

So I see, said charmon. But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring? charmon parted his robes, For I have become charmon OF MANY COLOURS!

What is this? cried Randius, aghast at the naked form of charmon beneath his robes.

Oh what a smeghead, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on said charmon, quickly replacing his cloak. Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is

I hope the hobbits are alright thought Randius. Just as long as they've avoided the road

On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark spammers from Chiron. Do not put on the ring warned Silence. I was not going to said Grego and the black rider buggered off.

Soon the hobbits arrived at the slaming smeghead, an Inn for travellers such as themselves. Grego signed his name as Mr Not-Grego to avoid being recognised.

Greetings Grego said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. I am called smegheader by folk, but I am also known as frankychanagorn, son of frankychanathorn. You can call me frankychan. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken! and he pulled out a stump of a sword, If they get close enough.

Filkins said How do we know we can trust this smegheader, Mr Grego? I mean Not-Grego.

I think that servants of Sheng-ji Yang would seem fairer and feel like more of a smeghead said Greg. Whereas I feel fairer but look like a smeghead! laughed frankychan. Yes said Grego. Oh. said frankychan.

frankychan led the way to Mars. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. Ah! called frankychan, It is Mr. President the elf.

frankychan coo-ee. said Mr. President as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.

Mr. President began to impart his news, Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't belieeeeve it. Those naughty spammers are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come. And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine spammers were bearing down on them.

Fly, Grego, fly said Mr. President, Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a *****. And don't put on the ring.

Grego leapt onto Mr. President's pink horse. My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you. cried Mr. President as the spammers caught up to Grego and stabbed him.

Sorely wounded, Grego escaped the clutches of the spammers and spurred his horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The spammers watched from the other side of the river. Come back, come back, to Chiron we will take you. called the spammers with grim voices. Your eye, your eye, we will slam it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring.

You shall have neither the ring nor my eye screamed Grego as he fell off the horse. Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us said the unlucky spammers as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like spammers-shaped leaves in a river.

Grego woke up in Mars's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. Randius, is it you? he murmured. Indeed it is, smegheadish one. replied Randius kindly. You have been healed by the elves of Mars said Randius and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. But how did you get away from the tower of charmon? asked Greg. I escaped explained Randius inadequately. Also I went to look for that pathetic creature LordLMP. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little smegheader that told the evil Sheng-ji Yang of its location and e'en now seeks it again.

It was a pity said Grego, that the little runt LordLMP was not slain earlier. Randius sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded Yes it was indeed a pity. LordLMP is a worthless ****.

At the Council of Mars the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.

A tall man of the south called Sprayber spoke up. You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud? and he sat down sheepishly.

A short stumpy dwarf called Sovereign said You must destroy this weapon of Sheng-ji Yang and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Grego as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. Stop this foolishness said Randius. Sheng-ji Yang has heard of hobbits and Earth at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount smeghead in Chiron where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine spammers who ride. These nine shall be myself, Grego for the hobbit folk, frankychan and Sprayber for the men, Sovereign for the stout dwarves, Mr. President for the girly elves and Filkins, GeneralTacticus and Silence for cannon fodder.

And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Chiron. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. frankychan said Sheng-ji Yang's eye has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from Chiron. Randius agreed, His eye has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil.

What way did you walk? asked GeneralTacticus Was it worse than the way you walk now? Randius set GeneralTacticus's eye on fire and continued, We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!

I will not go through Moria gnashed Sprayber, What does the ringbearer say? Grego thought for a moment, We should go through Moria he said. Who gives a smeghead what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Sprayber, HAHAHAHAAAAA! Gandalf began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Sprayber along.

At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak smeghead and enter. Hmm hmmed Randius, But what to speak? frankychan ponced up to the door, Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again. And he began to cry. You are an utter smeghead, frankychan said Randius. At that the doors opened.

All you had to do was speak the word smeghead and it would open said Sovereign. That figures said Mr. President gaily, You Dwarves are a bunch of smegheads.

The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. Be very, very quiet commanded Randius No GeneralTacticus, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm! But it was too late as GeneralTacticus dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. You smeghead of a GeneralTacticus! said Randius, kicking him in the eye.

We must be swift, intoned Randius as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Silence? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light. he said, walking into a room full of orcs. Oops! said Randius.

We must run from this place, cried Randius, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. Randius ran after them.

Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. frankychan, who was hiding behind Mr. President's prancing form, strode out. Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of frankychanagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin.

Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. frankychan wet himself.

AAIIEE! mentioned Mr. President. A Kassiopeiarog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!

This is a foe beyond all of you. said Randius, Fly you smegheads, fly! Randius turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Kassiopeiarog smashed Randius through the bridge and into the abyss, Randius thought bitterly Actually I could have done with a bit of help.

About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. frankychan was hysterical. They're going to get us and cut our eyes off. I'm too beautiful to die.

Mr. President minced forward. Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of boys.

That is not what we say in Gondor. growled Sprayber. Then you are smegheads in Gondor. said frankychan, I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves. No one sought to challenge him on that.

In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Grego was asked to come before Mellian, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The very sight of her caused Grego's eye to swell.

Greetings, my lttle Grego. said Mellian, I have a gift for you. And she gave Grego a kick in the nuts.

Thank you, my lady Mellian. said Grego when he got his breath back. Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that kick in the nuts will sustain me.

The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. Oh dear said Filkins, Are we going to that 'orrible Chiron place Mr Grego? Grego considered a moment and said I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else.

I will go with you. said Sprayber.

On the hill, Grego was in deep thought. Then Sprayber appeared. Give the ring to me Grego and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get ****-faced every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way he said. I'm sorry Sprayber but I can't help but think you might misuse it, replied Grego. That does it. yelled Sprayber, unsheathing his sword, I'm going to slice your eye off. Grego became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.

What have I done? cried Sprayber. Grego, you have misunderstood me. Come back! Then frankychan appeared, What has happened here? he asked. Nothing, honest. said Sprayber May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the truth.

Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings

[GeneralTacticus]

[Mr. President]

[Kassiopeia]

Tee hee

Originally posted by meHAHAHAHAAAAA! Gandalf began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Sprayber along.

Huh?

[History Guy]

Oh man. I feel so...left out.

[Kassiopeia]

Oh man. The moment I noticed you had posted here I remembered that. Errr, consider it a courtesy, since your name would've been in one of the slots reserved for Mellian/LordLMP...

It all comes tumbling down,
tumbling down, tumbling down
It all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down...

Need... to see... Evangelion...

[Kassiopeia]

Oh, and one of the guys was called "One of the BAC Authors" until my memory served me... so it's just pure luck I got almost all of you in.

[History Guy]

Heh, I guess I feel a whole heck of a lot better now.

[Kassiopeia]

Good news: I've written down a whole lot of story ideas.
Bad news: None of them have anything to do with AC, not of the S/M nor the Bi kind.
Soon I'll go to extremes and ask one of you guys to cover the Terran stuff at the conference. For the sake of my mental health, could it be arranged that my writing participation in it is not absolutely needed?

[Kassiopeia]

What the f**king hell?
I posted this short story at a Final Fantasy forum WAY long ago. It had such content that I felt that I'd be flamed to death, so I kinda 'forgot' the whole thing there. Now I decided to head back, and there was but one comment:

Wow...
Incredible...I don't really know what to say, it's incredible. One of the best stories I have read. Set aside the way you handled the plot you so masterfully created, I think you made the best mix between the two games, FFVII and FFVIII. It was somewhat funny and strange, but all together amazing, to see how you completly changed the story of both games ,without it looking ackward. A masterpiece.

Each paragraph made me wantto reach theend slightly more. You contructed this with great skil...Well, I'm quite completly out of words...Just amazing...

You said in the begining, that we will have to give you one hell of a reason to keep on writing. I'll give you one: You obviuosly have incredible talent. I need not comment anymore on how much I liked this story. It would be a great loss to us to miss a writer like you...

Enough said, but well done!

This is, like, the first time anyone has said me the magical words "your story just made me want to read it to the end". Edit: actually, it really isn't, but that doesn't really matter. I think of that as one of the highest compliments an author can ever receive!

Read it Here. Don't mind the fanfic, read the comment. Sure, there was only one, and one person alone is no demographic, but s/he said the magical words! It doesn't matter who says them or how many of them say it.