Comments on Far Jericho

[problem_child]

This is where to post comments on Far Jericho. I started the story after having read alot of others, and got worried about "leakage".
I don't know how much I'll actually write, so speak up if it grows on you an I start to slack.

[problem_child]

Okay now I need feedback, I'm obiously very close-up to the tale, so if anybodies read it so far...

And I know about the misspellings and the and a weird sentences, every re-read brings previously invisible causes for concern "burnt meat touched his nose" was a particular hair-raiser.

But does it make sense so far in general?

?

[Guardian]

Well, it looks like a start to me...

[problem_child]

thanks Guardian, thats excuse- er... i mean encouragement enough. More will appear soon.

[Alynzia]

Hello! I'm sorry your audience have not been more forthcoming about your story, I personally think it is really cool.

There is lots of interesting imagery (well described too!) and intriguing ideas. Enough to keep me reading

I look forward to seeing more,

Alynzia.

[problem_child]

tang kyorr Alynzia ,

knowing at least two people out there will be reading this has inspired me to push more squares, the result will be added as soon as i've taken ten minutes to hunt for those trecherous sentences and CRUSH THEM! AHAHAHAHAHAH!

further chapters and Word6 will be arranged later, but if anybody is willing to let me use their name for my own devious ends i'd appreciate it. Why? coz it'd be interesting to see what its like writing a character based on a real person (well, kinda).
It'll adda lil'extra pressure to the charater development.
Any volunteers stay where you are while everybody else steps backwards.

[Guardian]

Well, I'm not backing off here either, but maybe I shouldn't be appearing in too many different shapes...
(I've already said yes to Alynzia... )

[problem_child]

Actually.... yesss... i think i have just the spot for you good sir, you are very- suitable, for this position.


yesss.....


>wanders of rubbing my fingers together and muttering something about mice and resonance-phase-capacitance<.

[Guardian]

I am? Well, hmmm... this sounds interesting...

[problem_child]

There, a new chunk in the story.

[problem_child]

^bumped

[korn469]

problem_child

ok i sat down and read your story today from begining to end...on the gramatical side i noticed a few problems...your biggest problem was spelling, no offense intended (i'm not a good speller either), i'm not sure if you use a spell checker but it would probably catch most of those mistakes...i noticed quotations out of place in one paragraph and some capitalization problems, but that is about it...i provided examples below

The Other side
"one of our agents however... (cap)
“Conzar, his blocky frame looking very seated (quote)
Recovery
nauseus (spelling)

on the style side, i like the pacing of your story and the details are wonderful...

i particularly loved this part

she had attended the Gaian festival of Light for the annual spawning of the sun fish

little details like that really make the world seem to come alive...

i have a quibble with how you refer to the Cybernetic Conciousness as the Cybes...i think that refering to them as borg/borgs seems more realistic (borg would seem like the informal reference which would also include some overtones of disgust towards them) for an informal way to refer to them and Conciousness as the formal (and polite) way to refer to them

for example

"we have to work with the borgs again?!"
"we appreicate any aid the Conciousness could provide"

that sounds better than

"we have to work with the cybes again?!"
"we appreicate any aid the Cybes could provide"

also datapad could be better than infepad...but that is up to you and not as clear cut as the borg example

all in all it's a good story though...keep writing, i wanna see what happens next

[problem_child]

thanks Korn, spelling and mistypes are *sigh* just part of how I bash things out and then post before i have a chance to change my mind (then i usually use the Edit button with each re-read till its right>horror!<) still, i'm using Word6 now so that should improve.

I prefer "Cybe" as "Borg" makes me feel uncomfortably trekkie with my imagery of the tale's world

Pronounced like "Sib" or "the Sibs" or Cybian "Sibean" reflecting vernacular or common usage, formal "Cybernetic Consciousness" used more... well, formaly.

infepad i preffer over data-pad, as data is raw, unformated, unpresented. Many autistics look at the world and see a wealth of data that means the world is a hard place to make sense of.

Information however is the edited, filtered, precise and presented data, the cooked food, the user-interface, thats why i preffer "infe-pad",

i guess its just me being "par-tic-ular" about things i'm glad your into the story, thanks for continued feedback.

[problem_child]

hello, andothe chapter, [The Tower now added, i'm particularly interested in any comments about those last two chapters (thanks agin korn for input on The Other Side

by te way- those of you who read it already, the things been edited again- and again!

i promise to try harder to only ever post "proof-read perfect" text from now on!

[Alynzia]

Read and loved!

Hi there problem_child!

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your story. This damn forum hates me, it won't let me post my comment to your story twice before, my Nonlinear Genetics or more Aki Chronicles... so I'm only going to post comments from now on, I'm hoping you're reading this!

I really loved your latest installments, really. The stuff covered is so diverse, in description, events and general style. It's so damn real, yet I still get a sense of wonder from it.

There is a good setting immediately with a haunting atmosphere and very good descriptions, well written and the action flows. The changes in writing style are very effective.

My only criticisms are that there is slower action when Sehn is trying to remember his past, which gets a bit dull. Also, sometimes the writing is a bit confusing, but I guess it shows the varied sections of the story. Other actions are interesting.

The narrative is intriguing from different perspectives. The mind worm scene is absolutely riveting! The story is very descriptive all the way through and the writing is good.

Only someone blind to the quality of your story would worry about the few typing mistakes and grammatical errors. I personally prefer two enthusiasically typed posts as opposed to one stuffy and pedantic 'Oh look, I learnt hypercorrect posh English' post, any day of the week!

It is getting really exciting, feed me more!

Alynzia.
(Blood enemy of the Apolyton message board.)