Comments on The Thinker

[Pericles]

Well since the tradition on this board seems to be to run a separate comments thread, here it is. I hope that you enjoy The Thinker. The hero is a little odd, but he's harmless. For now.

I'll post as the Muse strikes. And please let me know what you think. Feedback is always appreciated

[Vi Vicdi]

If he's so good at schmoozing with wealthy clientele why do the cops smack him down at first sight?

He got a positive reaction from every civilian who passed him, even given the informality of his "shop", so he must come across as at least somewhat respectable, yet the SWAT team guy singles him out of all the other pedestrians?

Either the cops will beat down anyone at random, in which case everybody would run like hell, or they are "profiling" by appearance, in which case he must have fit the "profile", which would have led me to think that at least some of the people passing him on the street would have thought of him that way as well. Or there is some science-fictiony explanation like "the SWAT guy's helmet-cam automatically scans the DNA of passers-by and recognized our hero as a fugitive" or some such far-fetched thing. If the SWAT guy recognized our intrepid artist then why did the artist not in turn recognize the cop?

What gives? An inauspicious beginning, unless I'm missing something really obvious.

[President Jakjon]

I disagree. It generally had a good vibration, which lasted through the police scene. However, I cannot imagine why the police would do that. It needs explaining, which means that you have a thread for the next chapter.

However, it is a great start. I'm getting a William Gibson feel from Pericles; something that I don't get from anyone else, really. However, you don't have that cyberpunk thing going on, but that's okay, because if you did it would be boring. Keep writing! Please!

(PS: I'm almost done with my next chapter, so watch for the "Untitled" thread to pop up again.)

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[edgecrusher]

looks good, although i'd have to at least partially agree with Vi Vicdi. granted the whole profiling thing may be the case... or they could have been out to specifically get him. we'll have to wait and see.

[Hydro]

Pericles,

You’ve just put enough in your story to tantalize, it seems, with hints and innuendo, and built a little tension around your hero (or is it antihero? non-hero?). Obviously, you’ve left the scene purposefully vague. What I’d like to see is more of a Chiron flavor. Your first chapter (??) could be on Earth, after all. Simple things like saying ‘Chiron Green Marble’ can do tie the story line to Planet. Marble, after all, may be present on other planets but it is largely a product of biology and geologic heat and pressure – the different biology and ecosystems on Planet may or may not produce ‘marble’ (I’m a geologist, so I’m being picky). As another example, having him fuss with a breath mask when outside also sets the stage, or perhaps a comment on nitrogen narcosis. And there is always fungus, which I see as present almost everywhere on Planet in one form or another.

I don’t have a problem with the thuggery of the police, btw. I just considered it as part of setting. You do kind of owe it to us to explain why and how, though.

In any case, you have set the scene and I look forward to your future posts!

Hydro

[Pericles]

Thank you all for your comments. I always find it interesting to listen to people's reactions to these stories. Your constructive comments are very helpful.

President Jakjon and edgecrusher: Hopefully some of your concerns will be resolved in this post. However, your excellent questions are central to the plot and will be revealed slowly. Stay tuned.

Hydro: Yes, it is a bit vague. Hopefully, things will slowly become clearer. After all, I can't give it all away now, can I As for the geologist comment, you are quite right. In an early draft, the marble was called plasti-marble. But that sounded awful, so I switched it back. However, the marble question will be addressed.

I hope you enjoy the new post. But it is a bit grim.

[Vi Vicdi]

Okay, you made the "save".

[Jasonian]

Grim it is. But interesting. At least now we know why those cops knocked him down.

Good work, and I await more!

[Raging Mouse]

I remember the hero of a very dark, raining and cyberpunk movie whose name was 'Deckard'...

Nice, nice work. A fine picture of future press-gangs. Also kinda reminds me of 'La femme Nikita'.

[President Jakjon]

The second chapter is good! "So, I'm joining the Army." However, the tense is a little annoying. Now, I'm reminded of a William Gibson short story. Has anyone here ever read "Burning Chrome"?

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[Arkayik]

Pericles,
Good job there. This is a very interesting story. I would suggest that you stick to your guns and don't write to your critics. I think you've got an interesting story here, and I would like to read YOUR version of it.

cheers,

[President Jakjon]

Of course, to paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope, "You must write what you feel is right." However, one should also consider the suggestions of others. Perhaps they have come up with an idea that you would use, but you haven't come up with it yourself. And sometimes the suggestions are essentially cosmetic. I shifted into a longer format because of a suggestion.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks