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(humour) What else could the Morgans use those spy lamps for...?

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  • (humour) What else could the Morgans use those spy lamps for...?

    Just a thought – in the new Alien Crossfire expansion pack storyline, the Morgans use full spectrum lamps during the Churn as a handy means of espionage. But what else could they use the lamps for, we wonder…?


    ‘Damn these lamps! Can’t we get any more?’ exclaimed Santiago to one of her assistants. Santiago paced along, studying a computer notepad where she was carefully writing out the lyrics to another defamatory song about Deirdre.

    ‘Well, uh, we ordered more from Morgan, but they’re taking some time to get here. To increase efficiency, we placed the full spectrum lamps in the areas where they’ve been requested most.’

    Santiago tapped a number on her notepad. ‘Efficiency up to +1’ she wrote, pleased. ‘Lieutenant – what do you think of hacking the UN computers to change all these social settings?’

    ‘Colonel! That would be cheating,’ said her assistant, shocked. ‘After all, what point would there be in playing the game?’

    ‘This isn’t a game, Lieutenant! This is life and death.’ The Colonel fell silent for a second, mulling something over in her head. ‘What rhymes with switch?’

    ‘Stitch? Witch? Bi-’


    The video feed fizzled out. The Morgan tech operating the projector equipment said, ‘This is just a demonstration of the spying capabilities of the lamps. Sir?’ The tech looked over to CEO Nwabudike Morgan.

    Morgan sat, with his fingers steepled, at the head of the board table. This was the sort of thing he lived for as an industrialist. He’d just been given the perfect introduction by the blissfully ignorant Santiago.

    ‘Gentlemen. I’m pleased to announce that our profits will be increasing by 30% within the next month. All of this is due to the sale of our full spectrum lamps.’

    Morgan stood up, hoping that no-one would see the cushions piled on his seat. The twenty-second century, he thought bitterly, and still there wasn’t a cure for haemorrhoids.

    ‘With the recent Churn, all the factions have been staying indoors or underground, necessitating the purchase of our lamps. It will be some time yet before they can reverse-engineer them to create their own. Moreover, we have been able to use these lamps for espionage purposes, boosting our Probe Team score to +4.’

    He paced around his assembled directors, who were eagerly following every word.

    ‘But this isn’t where our increase in profits will be coming from. Not at all. The creators of the full-spectrum lamps had envisaged that they would be used only for large open spaces, but it is apparent that other factions have discovered more… practical uses.’

    Morgan let them think about this for a while.

    ‘They use the lamps for tanning. Yes, you heard correctly. Tanning, in saunas. Only our full-spectrum lamps can produce a perfect natural looking full body tan. Bearing in mind that Every, Single, Lamp,’ he said, emphasising every word, ‘contains a broadcast quality camera, I unveil to you the new improved Morgan Adult Entertainment Network!’

    He clicked a button on a controller in his pocket, waving his arms with a flourish. Screen after screen of wall-sized LCD panels flared to brightness across the room. Dozens, scores, hundreds of naked women appeared on the different screens.

    ‘We have feeds from the Spartans, the Hive, the Peacekeepers, and of course, our favourites, the Gaians. I can tell you now, I have seen the video feeds from the Gaian cameras and we will be able to charge premium rates for them. Deirdre alone… well, you’ll have to see for yourselves.’ Morgan smiled down evilly at the assembled directors, who were practically drooling.

    One of the directors raised his hand. ‘What about the University? Don’t we have video feeds from there?’

    ‘Are you crazy, man? We don’t want to put people off with disgusting images of computer nerds!’

    Finally returning to his seat, Morgan commanded the full attention of the directors. ‘The Churn has forced all the factions down into their underground holes, including ours. Morale has plummeted worldwide. But from today, Morgan citizens will have no need for low spirits! As you will soon discover, there is nothing better for the ills of man than to see Lady Deirdre Skye in her natural state…’

  • #2
    That's great

    Glad I found this one in the archives

    -->Visit CGN!
    -->"Production! More Production! Production creates Wealth! Production creates more Jobs!"-Wendell Willkie -1944


    • #3
      Hilarious. I don't think the Hive allows its citizens to sunbathe, though. And are there any sexy Hiverians? Who know what the innards of the hermit kingdom look like.


      • #4
        I was sort of wondering about the hive,since beauty isn't an efficient priority, but regardless- the story still stands as highly amusing
        -->Visit CGN!
        -->"Production! More Production! Production creates Wealth! Production creates more Jobs!"-Wendell Willkie -1944