"NFL Football is Back!" 2011 Season Thread

[Demonbinder]

I am looking at 4-2, maybe even 5-1 depending on how good Hanie is, which we don't really know yet.

[rah]

and I thought I was drinking the Kool-aid

[Al B. Sure!]

I am looking at 4-2, maybe even 5-1 depending on how good Hanie is, which we don't really know yet.

That's some strong orange kool-aid you're drinking. You're supposed to be distraught and boozing it up right now like this guy:

(The following article was started by a life-long Chicago Bears fan, my husband, and finished by me, his wife. He was just so depressed and drunk, he couldn't keep going and, well, you'll see, I guess.)

This article was going to be about the reeling San Diego Chargers and the rolling Chicago Bears (see that? how witty that alliteration was? see?), but none of that matters now because Jay Cutler's(notes) thumb is broken.

(The author pauses to take a long pull from the fifth of cheap hooch standing next to his computer monitor.)



I was going to go on and on about how Chargers GM Alex Smith needs to be fired as soon as he gets off the plane in San Diego, and that idiot-in-search-of-a-village Norv Turner needs to be denied entry to the stinkin' plane, but none of that matters now, because Jay Cutler's thumb is broken.

I would have loved to have waxed poetically about how this Bears team methodically slapped around a desperate Chargers squad clawing and scratching for a victory. I would have enjoyed raving about the Bears' position in the NFC Wildcard race (hint: very nearly the catbird's seat), gloating about tie-breakers over teams that won on Sunday (see: Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons), crowing about receivers being taken off the milk carton (Johnny Knox(notes), please pick up the white courtesy phone).

(The author takes another long pull.)

I'd have loved to do all that, but none of that matters now.

See, Jay Cutler's thumb is broken.

That means that the most frightening words in the English language for a Chicago Bears fan are about to get uttered in the next week unless something seriously drastic happens, and those words (God forgive me for stringing them together) are as follows:

Now starting at quarterback for the Chicago Bears: Caleb Hanie(notes).

That flushing sound you just heard was our season going right down the ol' porcelain convenience.

Caleb His Own Self Hanie will run out to left guard or wherever it is that hopelessly inept backup quarterbacks go when they are suddenly thrust into duty, and the hopes and prayers of a suddenly-distraught Bear Nation will ride on his hilariously inadequate shoulders.

(The author starts in on another bottle of cheap hooch.)

Caleb Hanie.

This ain't Joe Montana giving way to Steve Young, it's Joe Montana giving way to Steve Ramsey.

This ain't Phil Simms going down and Jeff Hostetler stepping up; it's Simms going down and getting replaced by whoever the worst quarterback in NFL history named Jeff happens to be.

Caleb By God Hanie.

Maybe we can call Brett Favre(notes).

Seriously? I actually thought about Brett Favre?

(The author takes another long pull. His wife removes his belt and a few sharp objects laying around.)

See, see, waht's so wrong about this, see, is that this Bears team was startingg to play like a, a, what-its-name, juggernaut, yeah, like a big ol' jug of lug nuts getting dropped upside somebody's fool head but NOOOOO…Cutler hadda go and be a HERO and try TACKLING somebbody an' an' an' now its

(The author wept aloud and passed out. His wife finished the article for him.)

Hi!

My husband couldn't finish this piece, and some nice men from Yahoo! asked me if I was more emotionally-stable and able to finish the article, so here's the finish.

The Chicago Bears beat the San Diego Chargers 31-20 on Sunday, but my husband couldn't stop crying and drinking when he heard about their quarterback (?) breaking his thumb.

I have no idea why he's so upset. The Bears have a spare guy for in case their regular guy gets hurt. So, now that guy gets to play.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

[-Jrabbit]

I haven't decided. Since we're shooting in the dark here, I'll say 3-3, mostly because they were lucky enough to have this happen just as they get to the weakest part of their schedule.

Defense and special teams should be able to scare up a couple wins. Hanie only has to produce one.

[Demonbinder]

and I thought I was drinking the Kool-aid

Hey, how long have you known me? As MGuth keeps saying, my glass with the Bears is always 3/4 full. And to Alby - that guy is like a lot of Bears fans - pessimists. I did say that we really don't know about Hanie. Always looking at the bright side.

[SlowwHand]

Oakland is no blow off game.

[Demonbinder]

Ron Winters is really tough - watch this video:

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-Ref-knocked-down-trapped-under-huge-fumb?urn=nfl-wp12139

[H Tower]

Ok I have 4-2, Donegeal has the same
Al has 2-4 (3-3 if they beat GB)

Who else wants to make a prediction?

I am looking at 4-2, maybe even 5-1 depending on how good Hanie is, which we don't really know yet.

H Tower and -JR have 3-3.

Ming, step on up and make a prediction

[OzzyKP]

Either 2-4 or 3-3. Hmm... What the hell, I'll make my prediction for 2-4.

[Lorizael]

Ron Winters is really tough - watch this video:

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shu...rn=nfl-wp12139

Half the comments to the video are people saying how he deserevd it because he's such a terrible ref.

[Al B. Sure!]

New poll! Worst NFL ref!

Ron Winters
Mike Carey
Al Riveron
Ed Hochuli
Gene Steratore
Bill Leavy

That's all I know. Anyone know some others?

Steratore has always rubbed me the wrong way. He seems like a douche who thinks he's cool or something. Watch when he's giving decisions, he just gives this vibe like he thinks he's the ****.

[Demonbinder]

Kyle Orton waived - coming back to Bears??

[H Tower]

he doesn't have the arm to be QB in Martz's offense. or the mobility to survive behind that offensive line

[Al B. Sure!]

I guess this means John Fox has decided to ride Tebow the rest of the year.

I would say Houston would make a lot of sense for Orton but they seem confident enough in Leinart. The Redskins picking him up to battle with Grossman would be hilarious. KC is bizarrely still in the playoff hunt and Palko is clearly not the answer in the absence of Cassel. That's a possibility.

I think the Bears are the most likely landing spot because of the history. And at the outcome of the Cutler trade. Holy ****. Who would've seen this coming 3 years ago?

[Al B. Sure!]

Anyway, I think releasing Orton now after Cutler went down is no accident. If the Bears pick him up, they're on the hook for his salary, right? Denver clearly was waiting for a moment like this. Worked beautifully for them except for one thing...

The Bears play at Mile High Dec. 11th. The Tebow vs. Orton possibilities