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I know. I've been to therapy, (psychotherapy) and on Monday, I will start to talk about this very topic. This is kind of an acid test, see how it goes. It's obvious, and I'm in the wrong, but for your benefit, it's got plenty of pervy things.
So many of you are familiar with the somewhat strange relationship I had with Dr. Lovely. She used to make me feel excellent, and a minute after, absolutely horrible. She knew exactly what to say to me to be warm, and exactly what to say or do to make me feel depressed in an instant. We dated for almost a year, and then she dumped me. There were lots of good things about her, and is, except her personality (I think). I was feeling extremely lonely, and we remained friends. I had nothing else to do. Besides I felt really depressed. There were moments when I thought she was the one; exciting, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and very erotic in the not so conventional ways.
So, as I started to have more problems with loneliness, I decided to do the unthinkable, and be more open with her. I said I am being sexually frustrated, as in not feeling to have any, so she gleamed and suggested we can continue to do all the things we used to. I thought about it for a microsecond and said "sure". Options were to not have any. I mean I was not up to seeing anyone at that point. I figured I'd have fun with her, and I'd find someone to date and we'd stop the fun part and remain friends if possible. Drop the benefits part. Practical, yes?
She let me know she has met 2 women at a party she plays with. OK, cool. None of my business. Then, she was open about it that one of them has a crush on her. And I saw it. I've met her once. She is obviously INTO Dr. Lovely. Also they are all polyamorous, and she was well aware that I am her ex BF and we have not changed things, except we are both single now, as the relationship won't work. And she is bi-sexual and likes men so... I felt a bit bad at that point. I bit like a cheater. She assured me they are just playing, and that the one with crush on her is OK with it, as they're all polys. Perhaps to my mistake and stupidity, I was only thinking "cool". The fact that they were 3 women made it easier for me. Having lesbian sex, and knowing Dr. Lovely is not looking to have a _real_ relationship with a woman but more like a group of admirers, or people to have sex with, I figured if she gets into her more, or vice versa, we'll end our fun. Simple, yes?
Turns out her GF is actually a former male, having her bits cut off. At this point I am not so sure anymore. I am not totally convinced that a man who cuts his bits off to be a female is totally free of mental issues. Not judging here, but there is a high likelihood. The point being, I was beginning to think she is but a novelty to her. Then, we were supposed to hang out (no sex) and she cancelled on me twice in a row, because she was taking care of her flue ridden GF. And that she (former he) was with her for the week. I thought wow, she must really like her, the longest she ever was with me was 4 days in a row because we were abroad. Other than that? Rarely. Once, a full weekend. A whole week? She must be really into her. At this point, I was actually happy for her.
I was supposed to meet her tomorrow, and she messaged me today about it, then asked what I am doing tonight. I said not sure yet, any ideas? She replied no, just curious. Classic move, used to it, and never tells me if she is doing something. Information always 1-way. Like intelligence apparatus. We ask you, you tell us, we will not reciprocate.
Then, I came back to the city and get a surprise call from her "where you're at honey?", and she's like oh, I'm right there, wanna come by and we'll go to the sex store to get some supplies for tomorrow's play. I thought sure, why not. On the way, she suddenly tells me, "so I went on a date today, actually a second date". OK... confusing. Then she wanted to talk about it many times, decided not to. Then she said, "let's have a beer and I'll tell you about the good news". Then, a minute later she said she wants to go home. And off she went. Classic; yes, no, yes, no.
So, I was more confused as in did she not really like her current GF? Also, does she think this new guy is polyamorous or not? If not, is she _really_ willing to give up her way of life? And even so, why did she feel that she needs to tell me this? She doesn't tell any other things ever? Trying to make me feel jealous? The way I see it, she is trying to create a race condition, making us all feel ****ty, while feeling herself superior. This would be my analysis. Now, I feel bad about this all. I feel most bad for her current GF. Also, I am beginning to think what happened while we were dating? If I was honest to myself, I'd realise most of her previous stories were all lies, about her husband cheating on her all the time and being violent. I see this in her. Her husband got severely depressed, and I understand, if he fell in love with her, and she did this kind of stuff? Yeah, it would drive anyone insane. The thing that irritates me the most is the back and forth. It is so literal, she can want something now, and decide against it the very next moment. It is chaotic beyond reason. I feel a bit ashamed myself as well. I am single, I should just quit this whole thing and find myself a stable partner. Wish her good luck. I don't know how to bring this up with my therapist. It's all about kinky sex and polyamorous crap. While some of it is exciting, a lot of it is bad, emotionally. I can see it working, but seeing how her current GF wants to have a relationship, we are nothing but cogs in her game, where she clearly wants to punch us and pull us back. Maybe I'll just get one for the road tomorrow and call it quits after? I mean, I don't want to be rude or anything.
So many of you are familiar with the somewhat strange relationship I had with Dr. Lovely. She used to make me feel excellent, and a minute after, absolutely horrible. She knew exactly what to say to me to be warm, and exactly what to say or do to make me feel depressed in an instant. We dated for almost a year, and then she dumped me. There were lots of good things about her, and is, except her personality (I think). I was feeling extremely lonely, and we remained friends. I had nothing else to do. Besides I felt really depressed. There were moments when I thought she was the one; exciting, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and very erotic in the not so conventional ways.
So, as I started to have more problems with loneliness, I decided to do the unthinkable, and be more open with her. I said I am being sexually frustrated, as in not feeling to have any, so she gleamed and suggested we can continue to do all the things we used to. I thought about it for a microsecond and said "sure". Options were to not have any. I mean I was not up to seeing anyone at that point. I figured I'd have fun with her, and I'd find someone to date and we'd stop the fun part and remain friends if possible. Drop the benefits part. Practical, yes?
She let me know she has met 2 women at a party she plays with. OK, cool. None of my business. Then, she was open about it that one of them has a crush on her. And I saw it. I've met her once. She is obviously INTO Dr. Lovely. Also they are all polyamorous, and she was well aware that I am her ex BF and we have not changed things, except we are both single now, as the relationship won't work. And she is bi-sexual and likes men so... I felt a bit bad at that point. I bit like a cheater. She assured me they are just playing, and that the one with crush on her is OK with it, as they're all polys. Perhaps to my mistake and stupidity, I was only thinking "cool". The fact that they were 3 women made it easier for me. Having lesbian sex, and knowing Dr. Lovely is not looking to have a _real_ relationship with a woman but more like a group of admirers, or people to have sex with, I figured if she gets into her more, or vice versa, we'll end our fun. Simple, yes?
Turns out her GF is actually a former male, having her bits cut off. At this point I am not so sure anymore. I am not totally convinced that a man who cuts his bits off to be a female is totally free of mental issues. Not judging here, but there is a high likelihood. The point being, I was beginning to think she is but a novelty to her. Then, we were supposed to hang out (no sex) and she cancelled on me twice in a row, because she was taking care of her flue ridden GF. And that she (former he) was with her for the week. I thought wow, she must really like her, the longest she ever was with me was 4 days in a row because we were abroad. Other than that? Rarely. Once, a full weekend. A whole week? She must be really into her. At this point, I was actually happy for her.
I was supposed to meet her tomorrow, and she messaged me today about it, then asked what I am doing tonight. I said not sure yet, any ideas? She replied no, just curious. Classic move, used to it, and never tells me if she is doing something. Information always 1-way. Like intelligence apparatus. We ask you, you tell us, we will not reciprocate.
Then, I came back to the city and get a surprise call from her "where you're at honey?", and she's like oh, I'm right there, wanna come by and we'll go to the sex store to get some supplies for tomorrow's play. I thought sure, why not. On the way, she suddenly tells me, "so I went on a date today, actually a second date". OK... confusing. Then she wanted to talk about it many times, decided not to. Then she said, "let's have a beer and I'll tell you about the good news". Then, a minute later she said she wants to go home. And off she went. Classic; yes, no, yes, no.
So, I was more confused as in did she not really like her current GF? Also, does she think this new guy is polyamorous or not? If not, is she _really_ willing to give up her way of life? And even so, why did she feel that she needs to tell me this? She doesn't tell any other things ever? Trying to make me feel jealous? The way I see it, she is trying to create a race condition, making us all feel ****ty, while feeling herself superior. This would be my analysis. Now, I feel bad about this all. I feel most bad for her current GF. Also, I am beginning to think what happened while we were dating? If I was honest to myself, I'd realise most of her previous stories were all lies, about her husband cheating on her all the time and being violent. I see this in her. Her husband got severely depressed, and I understand, if he fell in love with her, and she did this kind of stuff? Yeah, it would drive anyone insane. The thing that irritates me the most is the back and forth. It is so literal, she can want something now, and decide against it the very next moment. It is chaotic beyond reason. I feel a bit ashamed myself as well. I am single, I should just quit this whole thing and find myself a stable partner. Wish her good luck. I don't know how to bring this up with my therapist. It's all about kinky sex and polyamorous crap. While some of it is exciting, a lot of it is bad, emotionally. I can see it working, but seeing how her current GF wants to have a relationship, we are nothing but cogs in her game, where she clearly wants to punch us and pull us back. Maybe I'll just get one for the road tomorrow and call it quits after? I mean, I don't want to be rude or anything.
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