Please wish me luck, my last round with the beast

[Pekka]

Liking the new lay out

So on Tuesday, I will go to my last MRI. Then, on 22nd, I will have my appointment. 2 weeks of agony and waiting. Then again, it's only 2 weeks and this has been defeated once in for all.

I am really scared, none of this has gotten easier contrary to my first belief. It's worse and worse and I've decided to make this my last check up. It's now 4+ years. If it takes me over, it will do that. But these check ups are seriously messing up with my life. Having to accept dying soon is rough. I'd rather live and not think about it too much.

The good part is, I have a friend who will come with me. You know her Nothing more than friends. And I'd prefer someone to come with me than going there alone. Besides, she was there the last time as well.

In any case, wish me luck. I've no symptoms, yet this is unbelievably difficult. I hope no one has to go through with this, ever. I'll dance with the beast once more, may she present herself now or forever be gone.

[Berzerker]

I didn't think you'd be alive, you've beaten the odds so keep on truckin. Every day, every week, they're closer to solving the mystery, and you might not even need them anymore.

[-Jrabbit]

Wishing you all the best, SuperCitizen. The world needs you!

[giblets]

good luck!

[Dinner]

I would keep going to check ups if that was what the doctors advise.

[Kidlicious]

Not sure about your decision but I'm not in your shoes. Sorry that you have to go through all of this. God bless.

[Uncle Sparky]

Make Pekka great again!!!

[Pekka]

Thanks all.

It's been torture. I need to vent a bit. I felt very depressed this morning, and stayed home. Can't see people. Has little to do with the check up. Everything about being tired.

My son has been obviously traumatised by earlier things (divorce) and is regressing. My ex is still on my ass, harassing me with SMS messages. They usually come at night. I don't care about the content, it has no effect on me, but I have to read them as they might have some vital info about the kids. I never reply, or tell her that I do read them (just in case). I do reply, but not right away. So my son does not sleep much. He starts to cry every 2 hours at night. Last night I was so tired and annoyed I just yelled to get his pillow and come next to me. He went quiet... I figured he fell asleep again (he is 4), and started to cry again. I could not get up, I was too tired, too everything. He yelled he's afraid, I yelled the same "come to my bed!"... then I finally made that he also yelled "I'm in the bathroom!". I got up, and he was pooping and needed me to wipe his butt. There he was. In the dark, scared, probably sitting on the toilet for half an hour, me yelling back. Felt absolutely horrible about that. I was so late from work, so that helped my decision to go back home. e

I've surely beaten the odds. The thing is, if it re-occurs, I realistically stand no chance. It should be swift and gruesome. It is the most aggressive type. It would mean that we did not get the rebel base that keeps sending the cancer cells. Aggressive meaning it's the fastest possible and is not separable from normal brain cells. So not possible to really operate on if it comes back. The thought is a lot to handle. I might have only few months or less, then. Logically, MRI does not change a thing. Even without this knowledge, I'd be gone, so this does not change it. It would give me an opportunity to choose to fight it.

The thing is, it is unbearable. The process that is. I have not lived for 4 years the life that I so desperately want to live. I'm scared, every 3 months, I go in, and a little piece of me dies. Month before, I get a letter giving me the schedule and the anxiety kicks in. The end of life process. I've been able to deal with it for almost 4 years, but now it's just too much. I talked about this with my neuro-oncologist who said she understands this dilemma, and I'm not the only one. If it causes too much stress, we can just stop this. Come back if I get symptoms. Do it once a year perhaps. This is not getting easier, this is getting worse and worse every time. As I am waiting in the hall way, nervously hearing the clock going tick tock tick tock, I think I just might die from panic. Last time, it was easier having my then GF with me. Before that, I had to go alone every single time. So while horrible, still a bit easier.

So I'm thinking maybe once a year. The last check up was almost 6 months ago, and it's been quite good in between. Haven't paid it much attention. I don't think I can have meaningful friendships as long as I dwell on this. I need a break. During these times, I feel excruciating loneliness. The one that physically hurts. Where you want to have help, yet that's the last thing you ask for. Too afraid of being rejected. Maybe it makes no sense (it does not), can't remember if I posted here, but when I got sick, no one, not a single friend of mine came to visit. I got bunch of messages. The thing is, a lot of them said they'd come. The disappointment was painful and I've never forgiven it to them. I had my ex going psycho on me, cheating with her current man, laughing me to die (Yes, it actually happened). I have no illusions of human decency or courage. I understand it, logically. I don't accept it. Such friends, I do not need. Even my last GF is still a better friend.

So right now, I'm just surviving, taking it a day at a time, or hour by hour.

I've no plans, except take it as I can. I am not doing alcohol or drugs, it's not something I do when I am afraid. I kind of isolate myself, maybe binge on some series. Don't feel good, but somewhat safer. This has lasted since my first tumour, that I got in 2009. So that makes it almost 8 years of regular "are you going to die" check ups. It only re-occurred much worse after the first 3 years to Stage 4. Before that it was Stage 2, and different type. Much smaller, too. It hasn't been fun. It's been really really tough, and I have not used it to my advantage. I don't lash out on people. Everyone has their problems. I still work like I used to, no excuses. But today, and most likely until the actual check up, I am not going to be very strong or fun to be around with. OK. I'm done.

[rah]

Best wishes. Good luck.

The supercitizen shall remain undefeated.

[kentonio]

Best of luck Pekka!

[Ming]

Best of Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bereta_Eder]

Supercitizen ≠ defeat

[BeBMan]

Best wishes!!!

[Dinner]

Well, I can certainly understand why you would prefer not to put yourself through feelings like that. I do know if cancer comes back the best defense is early detection and that means going in for the check ups even if you dread doing so. The good news is the longer you are in remission the less likely it is that cancer will pop back up so each time you go and get a clean bill of health the less and less likely it becomes that it will ever come back.

it will be difficult but maybe try to change the way you look at things, the glass as half full instead of half empty. That is how I deal with difficult things. Which ever choice you make I wish you the best and consider you a friend, man.

[Berzerker]

good luck, Pekka

[Pekka]

Thanks for all the nice comments!

The path is dark and lonely, every bit of niceties help. I just counted I've been here for years. Mostly ranting and raving, rambling and whatnot.

But I have good news! Doc called today, just to say if I wanted to cancel my appointment as it's all good.

She was concerned how I'm doing at work, if I sleep enough, etc. If I need anything. I told her that I've been having difficulties coping, have a lot of stress, work too much and am tired.

So, she said well what are you doing this summer? I said hiking. "So I will write you a.2 month sick leave for the summer, save your summer vacay days for later, do not talk to your work doctors, they do not know about brain damage and the load your brain is taking at the moment. You will not recover unless you take 2 months off. This is not a burn out, this is simply a physical thing." I was pretty much complying with her but she insisted on ordering me to rest and recover. Minimum of 2 months paid sick leave.

That works That being said 5 years is soon done with and I will consider this bugger beaten as of now. Oddly, I do not feel celebratory, yet. My dear friend (dr. lovely) made me excellent food, took me to breakfast (paid for it all), gave me really good whisky, and we just watched Sherlock. We'll binge on GoT on the weekend. She even went as far as to take off time from work to come to the check up with me, but now of course the situation is different. In any case that's excellent.

And I started proper therapy with an actual psycho therapist. I think I'm done toughing it out by myself. It's too hard, I have to admit. I know I am in shock and it will settle in on the weekend or the next week. Difficult to explain, I was supposed to be in misery and agony until Wednesday and the doc kind of unexpectedly ruined my process of dying. Really difficult to explain. But of course I am relieved. So yay and party.