Help Lori be human.

[Lorizael]

I'm friends with a married couple in my writing group. When they had their first kid, mom had severe complications during pregnancy that I think were something like what happened to Kate Middleton. Anyway, they didn't want to risk that for their second kid, so they adopted. The adoption took about 4 years to finalize, because they were adopting a little kid from South Korea. It was quite the hassle and had pretty much been the focus of their lives the last couple of years. They just got him a couple months ago. And he just died yesterday.

I don't know the details, except that he had some health problem that involved him being flown by helicopter to the hospital, where he was in PICU for about a day.

I care a great deal about these friends of mine. And I feel absolutely heartbroken for them. It's pretty much all I've been thinking about the last day. But I have absolutely no idea how to express this sentiment to them. I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do or say, and everything I can think of seems either thoroughly inadequate or fake. And I'm worried that if I'm not able to do or say the right thing, they'll think less of me for not supporting them during what is probably the worst moment of their lives.

(Also, **** like this makes me feel guilty about being depressed. But that's not really the issue here.)

[Sava]

Don't worry about it. They're neck deep in grief. Just say the usual, "I'm sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?" or something along those lines.

They're sad. You're sad. Everyone will be sad. That's a given.

There's no playbook describing a specific set of actions that you need to take. Grief is awkward and weird. Everyone expresses their feelings differently.

[KrazyHorse]

Just ask them if there's anything you can do to help them. And let them know that you care about them and are thinking about them.

In other words, pretty much copy what you wrote above, minus the part where you're worried about what they'll think about you.

[MikeH]

1. You can only deal with your own ****. Feeling guilty because other people have it worse is counterproductive. I'm sure your shrink will tell you something similar.
2. Everyone has the same experience when someone else loses a child. There is no adequate way to respond and I don't think anyone who hasn't been through that could really sympathise. Having kids gives you slightly more context, but even so, I have no idea.
3. Because no-one knows what to do or say, they may find that strangely people are avoiding them. Don't do that. I would offer to help in any way you can.
4. It's not about you. Forget about how your response will be perceived because the last thing you want is them to have to reassure you that your response is adequate, and they really won't be thinking about that.

[MikeH]

KH was faster!

[rah]

3. Because no-one knows what to do or say, they may find that strangely people are avoiding them. Don't do that. I would offer to help in any way you can.

This.

[Lorizael]

Okay, I said something. Thanks, guys.

[MikeH]

Just to re-emphasise - your reaction was totally normal/human.

[Guynemer]

To be honest, you are probably so far away from their thoughts right now it doesn't matter what you do, so long as you don't make things worse.

[Sava]

Just to re-emphasise - your reaction was totally normal/human.

agree

(and with guy too)

[Lorizael]

Yes, everyone keeps telling me I'm human. I remain unconvinced.

[MikeH]

To be honest, you are probably so far away from their thoughts right now it doesn't matter what you do, so long as you don't make things worse.

That's true too.

[Hauldren Collider]

I don't think this is even in the same order of magnitude of what they're feeling right now, but when one of my best friends committed suicide (almost two years ago...wow...hard to believe), it was enough that people expressed sympathy to me. Just having people on Poly for instance saying condolences was enough, I didn't really need to know that they fully understood (though I believe many did). I think the best you can do is just to let them know that they are in your thoughts and you are sympathetic. Hope that helps.

[notyoueither]

I'm friends with a married couple in my writing group. When they had their first kid, mom had severe complications during pregnancy that I think were something like what happened to Kate Middleton. Anyway, they didn't want to risk that for their second kid, so they adopted. The adoption took about 4 years to finalize, because they were adopting a little kid from South Korea. It was quite the hassle and had pretty much been the focus of their lives the last couple of years. They just got him a couple months ago. And he just died yesterday.

I don't know the details, except that he had some health problem that involved him being flown by helicopter to the hospital, where he was in PICU for about a day.

I care a great deal about these friends of mine. And I feel absolutely heartbroken for them. It's pretty much all I've been thinking about the last day. But I have absolutely no idea how to express this sentiment to them. I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do or say, and everything I can think of seems either thoroughly inadequate or fake. And I'm worried that if I'm not able to do or say the right thing, they'll think less of me for not supporting them during what is probably the worst moment of their lives.

(Also, **** like this makes me feel guilty about being depressed. But that's not really the issue here.)

What do you feel like saying?

[Elok]

When my wife's sister and BIL died almost seven years ago, I rushed up to Boston to try and comfort her. Before I left, I asked my mom (who has counseling experience) what I could say.

MOM: You don't really need to say anything. Just be there for her. And don't try to cheer her up by saying things like "at least they died together."
ME: Wait, people actually say that to a grieving person? Holy crap, I'm aspie and I think that's an abysmally dick move. If someone says that to her, and she stabs them to death, a jury will let her off, right?

The moral of my story is, the bar is apparently set pretty low here.