Ashes 2013/14

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Before we start, let's clear a few things up.

Yes, it's only three months since the last Ashes series. That's cricket. It'll be about three years until the next one so let's revel in the abundance for now.

Now we've cleared that up, let's get on with the important bit- spending a couple of months *****ing about the fact that Onions wasn't selected despite being the best bowler in county cricket by a clear margin. It's an interesting approach taken by the England selectors- picking bowlers not because of how good they are, but how tall they are. Finn has been the weakest link in both Ashes series he's played in, and if anyone suggests he's a better pick than Onions this time around, I'll laugh. And then openly weep.

How are you feeling, Aussies? I think this is going to be a really close series.

[pchang]

So, even you think cricket is not a sport.

[Sava]

oh I misread this

i thought it was about asher

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

So, even you think cricket is not a sport.

Of course not. It is an art, a hallmark of civilisation, and the benchmark of a gentleman.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

England-

Alastair Cook (c)

Lest we forget, Cook has played in 4 Ashes series, and under-performed in 3 of them. OK, in 2010/11 he was absurdly brilliant, but he still has every chance of dicking this up.

James Anderson

Usually lethal in England, but the atmospheric conditions in most of this tour won't really suit him. I can't see him being near the top of the wicket-taker tables, but he'll be a solid performer.

Jonny Bairstow (wk)

Oh God. A scrappy batsman, and England's 5th-best wicket-keeper. I just pray he's never called on.

Ian Bell

The Shermanator is in fine form right now. Expect a century or two here.

Gary Ballance

Probably there to carry the drinks.

Stuart Broad

If he stays uninjured, he could win matches. He'll be the pantomime villain for the Aussies to boo at, and he seems to thrive on that. I expect him to be vying with Swann to be England's leading wicket-taker.

Michael Carberry

Much as I'd like to see Compton in the team, Carberry has certainly earned his slot. Expect him to open the batting with Cook.

Steven Finn

Why? He's tall, I'll admit that fact. He's certainly tall. But why? Poor selection.

Monty Panesar

Probably won't play more than one test (if that), but when he's blowing hot, he's glorious. I hope he gets a shot at redeeming himself after a wasted summer.

Kevin Pietersen

I suspect this will be KP's last show. He's looked past his best for a good four years now, and there are better prospects waiting in the wings. Expect disappointment.

Matt Prior (wk)

Underperformed woefully in the last Ashes, but he's still our best keeper/batsman by miles. If he finds form, he'll make the difference between winning and losing the series.

Boyd Rankin

Rather impressively, his first class batting average is even worse than Monty Panesar's. I'm not sure how that's possible. Nice and tall, which is why he's another baffling choice ahead of Onions.

Joe Root

Our new number 6. Naturally, I'd prefer England to play five bowlers, but if they're going to insist on being boring at least Root's our strongest 6 in many years. He's going to be a long-term plan for England, so he may as well rack up the experience.

Graeme Swann

Ah, Swanny. The safest choice in the team, and will probably be the biggest wicket-taker and man-of-the-series. The player Australia are probably most jealous of.

Ben Stokes

All-rounder, unlikely to make much impression unless there are multiple injuries

Chris Tremlett

Was terrifyingly brilliant in 2010/2011 Ashes but has never come remotely close to that form since then. If he regains that form, England will win the series, no question. However I can't really see that happening. Still, he scares the Aussies, so I'd have picked him.

Jonathan Trott

Dreadful in the last Ashes, and I suspect he might slip down the order in this one. I think his best is behind him.

[Colon™]

Yes, it's only three months since the last Ashes series. That's cricket. It'll be about three years until the next one so let's revel in the abundance for now.

Cricket is so deliciously baffling. I'd ask after the reason for this scheduling, but I'd rather not know and assume it's set by the alignment of stars.

[Krill]

Not far from the truth IIRC.

[regexcellent]

Why, is it on some kind of lunar calendar or something of that nature?

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Ashes series alternate, home and away, between England and Australia. It's a summer sport. Summer happens at different times.

Anyway, strict and predictable timetabling is a hallmark of the working classes.

[Alexander's Horse]

I happen to be returning to Australia for the summer from this Friday - all I can think about is just in time for the cricket Forget Mum lol.

Let's get in the mood shall we. This compilation heavily features Pakistan but is one of the best I have seen.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

I winced at the last clip- a Shoaib Akhtar 100mph missile straight to the neck.

[Alexander's Horse]

Hard to feel sorry for Ganguly when he goes down lol.

Akhtar reminds me of Jeff Thomson. Part of the terror of both bowlers was the batsmen never knew where the next ball was going - neither did the bowler - but they knew sooner or later it was going to hurt.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

The Aussie press is running stories about disharmony in the England team. That's always great fun, because England players are then forced to get interviewed and pretend that they like KP.

[Alexander's Horse]

KP just trashed Brisbane on Twitter, sign of a confident player if a dill.

[MikeH]

I went to one of the days at the Oval last time. Was a particularly dull days cricket in all honesty, the one when England slow played all day. Anyway KP was on the boundary near us for a few hours. Had quite a funny rant at one guy who kept singing "KP KP give us a wave" between every over - but did end up signing the guy's ticket and having a photo with him.

And then he came on and batted and the time he was at the crease was the best cricket we saw all day.

In England generally we have this fear of our players being good, knowing they are good and being a bit arrogant about it. In case people think we are taking it too seriously or something. I dunno.

We should celebrate KP.